Anyone got any jokes?

Question

Hey, guy's out there who really knows how to joke-- please tell me one's you know. But please don't tell jokes that are innapropriate or if it is frrom ahajokes.com... I've read them all and still unsatisfied...

Answer 1

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the
pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom.
I'm going
to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think
I may be in
with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and the
young man leaves. He soon returns and says, "Give me
another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very
cute too. She always crosses her legs in a
provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might
strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as
the boy is leaving he turns back and says,"Go on,
give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is
still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think
she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his
girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right
and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head
and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner
and thank you for all you give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank
you Lord for your kindness."

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying,
keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his
girlfriend is even more surprised than the
others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear,
"I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a
pharmacist!"

Answer 2

How about this local joke: 1 day there was a poor farmer been invited to stay in a 5 star hotel. After taken his heavy dinner (the best serves in his life), he got an stomach upset so he asked the room boy the toilet was! The nice room boy showed him the wash room and the toilet. The farmer is still not satisfied and decided to look for rubbish bag and did the passouts onto it. Wow wanted to know what did he do next? He opened the window and swung the bag full of his smelly shits out and landed on the swimming pool. What a shameful farmer was! The reason why he did this was he used to see pit toilets only in his village where no water and electricity supply.

Have a nice reading. Feed me back.

Answer 3

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''

Answer 4

you comprehend you're a Redneck while... a million. you're taking your dogs for a walk and you the two use the comparable tree. 2. you could entertain your self for extra advantageous than quarter-hour with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has no longer left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your backyard truly than mow it. 5. you think of "The Nutcracker" is a few thing you do off the intense dive. 6. The Salvation military declines your furniture. 7. You supply to offer somebody the shirt off your back and that they do no longer choose it. 8. you have the community taxidermist on velocity dial. 9. you come back from the unload with extra advantageous than you took. 10. you save a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your spouse can climb a tree swifter than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas checklist. 13. you save flea and tick cleansing soap interior the bathe. 14. you have been in contact in a custody combat over a searching dogs. 15. You flow to the inventory vehicle races and don't choose a software. sixteen. you comprehend what share bales of hay your vehicle will carry. 17. you have a rag for a gas cap. 18. your domicile does not have curtains, yet your truck does. 19. You ask your self how provider stations save their restroom's so sparkling. 20. you could spit with out beginning your mouth. 21. you communicate your motor vehicle plate personalised with the aid of fact your father made it. 22. Your lifetime purpose is to very own a fireworks stand. 23. you have an entire set of salad bowls and that all of them say "Cool Whip" on the element. 24. the biggest city you have ever been to is Walmart. 25. Your working television sits on precise of your non-working television. 26. you have used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your community and does $one hundred,000 well worth of advancements. 28. you have used a rest room brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade commencement considering the fact which you have been on jury duty. 30. you think of rapid food is hitting a deer at sixty 5. 31. in case your genealogy does not branch.....

Answer 5

A pharmacist has a high school boy named John working for him after school. Things are slow around the drugstore one day and the pharmacist says, "hey John, while things are slow, I want you to mind the store while I run to the post office for a minute."

The pharmacist goes to the post office and returns a few minutes later. He asks "did I miss anything while I was gone"? John says "Mr. Stevenson came in here to buy something for a cough." The pharmacist asks " so what did you give him"? John replies "castor oil." The pharmacist yells "you can't give someone castor oil for a cough!" John replies "sure you can. Look at Mr. Stevenson across the street holding onto the light pole. He's afraid to cough."

Answer 6

So President Bush is getting his daily briefing on the casualties in Iraq.

In addition to the injured, he is told that three Brazilians died.

He is suitably pensive for such a moment.

Then he asks Condi Rice, "So, how many is a Brazilian?"

Answer 7

Q;what do u call a 250lb. man taken down by a 62 year old woman?
A: Ben Rothleisberger (he's the Steelers QB who was in that accident about 1 week ago)

Answer 8

The Day I Died

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to
accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St.
Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first
man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all
over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out
onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man
hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a
hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some
bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony
and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack,
and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it
was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well,
sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and
slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the
apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my
fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then
the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Answer 9

So there was an american, a black guy and a mexican that found a genie who granted them each a wish. The black guy asked that he and all of his brothers in America be taken back to their homeland of Africa, so the genie did it. The mexican asked that all of his people in America be brought back to their homes in Mexico, so the genie did that as well. Then the american said: "So you mean to tell me that all of the blacks and mexicans are gone?" and the genie replied "Yeah"; so the american said "Well then i'll have a coke."

Answer 10

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all! day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted...