i need some good DIRRTY JOKES...LET ME HEAR SOME!?

Answer 1

1.... A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

2... A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first *******." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."



3... (((((THIS ONE IS THE FUNNIEST)) )) One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

4... A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."




5...A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'" (HAHA THAT ONES FUNNY TOO)


6... There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 Years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!" (haha)

Answer 2

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.


A farmer has three daughters, and they all have a date on the same night. To show the boys who's boss the farmer sits with his shotgun and waits for the door bell to ring. The door bell rings...
"Hi! I'm Joe, I'm here for Flow, we're going to the show is she ready to go?" The farmer thinks and lets his daugther go. He takes a seat...
The door bell rings...
"Hi! I'm Freddy, I'm here for Betty, were going to get Spaghetti is she ready?" The farmer thinks and he lets his daughter go. He takes a seat again.
The door bell rings...
The boys, "Hi! I'm Chuck!" The farmer shot him!

Answer 3

not sure if this is waht u want but....................................................



Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act.

Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed.

Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping.

Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Answer 4

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"

"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.

"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"



Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.

"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.

"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.

"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his *** in 10 years... so lick that!"



The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, waited a short time and make a second small white dot next to the first.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

'It's a period,' reported Johnny.
'Yes, I can understand that,' she said, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'

'Damned if I know,' said Johnny, 'but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

Answer 5

A father brings along his little daughter to the barber while he gets his haircut. The little girl is watching the barber work while she eats her Hostess snack cake. Over time she gets closer and closer to the barber’s chair where the barber is giving her dad a trim. The barber says to the girl "You’re going to get hair on your twinkie." To which the girl replies, "Yeah, and I’m gonna get ****, too."

Answer 6

I DONT KNOW IF YOU CAN HEAR IT, BUT YOU CAN READ THEM
A Little boy was taking a bubbles bath
Bubbles was her name.
Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid, like in your milk or in the bath tub or maybe on a stick?
Well he's in town and HES looking for you

Answer 7

a man went in a bar and saw a pot of gold on the counter and asked the bartender wat it was for the bartender said if u go in the back and make the horse laugh ill give it to u so the guy made the horse laugh and took the gold. the next day he came back and saw another pot of gold he said wats this one 4? the bartender said if u go in the back and make the horse cry ill give it to u and the deed to my bar. he made the horse cry and took the deed and gold. the bartender asked how did u make him laugh? guy says i told him my di ck was bigger than his! how did u make him cry? i showed him!

Answer 8

the husband always wanted the lights off when having sex with his wife, and she let him turn them off. one day, after many years of this, she got sick of the darkness and turned the lights on only to find her husband using a dildo on her.

"i cant believe you have been lying to me all these years!" she yells.

"yeah," he yells back, "then explain the kids!"

Answer 9

Yo mamma's so ugly she makes a vibrator go limp!

Answer 10

a horse fell in the mud!!