Marks out of ten for this naughty story, read if ye dare,, not in good taste. You have been warned!!!?

Question

There was a bloke on the pull in the pub. Pretty drunk decides to have a go with the fairly plump girl he spies and chats her up. They get on pretty well and start copping off with exploring hands and they agree to go back to her place. As they get there and the doors close they are really hot for each other and paws bods and hands make contact real fast. The girl is a bit self conscious so they don't bother with the lights, there is some ambient light so its not pitch dark but as good as, but who cares as his hand explores as her tongue tastes. Now like I said this girl was fairly plump, and as his hand cups her warm round breast his mouth covers her big stiff perky nipple and he licks, runs his tongue around the nipple and gives it a little suck...to his surprise some fluid pops out. Taken aback for a second he then thinks hey novelty ****. plump girl...must be pregnant and that's milk. Tasted different to regular milk but **** it he’s going to make the most of it so they go for it for ages several times over with loads attention on her sweet milky nipples. Can’t wait to tell his mates about the novelty boobs as he falls asleep. Birdsong and sunlight awakens his happy slumber next to his warm sleeping woman. Light now emmn; breakfast time he thinks and this time I get to admire the view. So he lifts the duvet running over his hot prize running his eyes across those orbs of delight moving left to right from his left nipple to the edge of her right breast to her right nipple to the flaccid recently deflated off coloured biggest boil he has ever seen dribbling the last remnants of fresh yellowy green pus he happily lapped up the last night sucked through the waxy cap his tongue broke into his mouth. As in utter horror his face paled to the colour of what was last lights milky desert!!!!! Hmmnm extra custard anyone? For that sweet creamy tongue coating taste just imagine it running down your tongue till you swallow. Got yah be careful what you read…

Best fun with this true story is the reaction of the next person you hand this print out to pref over dinner.

Or is this better... cat or cream?

1 Pick up your cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position left forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat’s mouth opens pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3 Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden

6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees; hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls and grumbles from cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler gently into cat’s mouth with the other. Drop pill down the ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously to make it swallow.

7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8 Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9 Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

10 Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11 Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12 Ring fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from the tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13 Tie the little bugger’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat’s throat to wash down pill.

14 Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to A & E, sit quietly while doctor stitches your fingers and forearm, and remove pill from your eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15 Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

Dan the creme story was from the true stories section of FHM magazine (and the grosest thing I ever read) got the cst hing on the net. Having had one it sounds true in terms not of cruelty to cats but how hard it would be to give one medicine for its own good. Ie money on the cat to win and more so if you were dumb enough to try and give one a bath

If you want a top laugh dress up the nipple story like I did and leave the rest in small print and then leave it somewhere pepps can find or hand it to peeps as they enter the rooms and watch the punch line reaction when they squrm... Then hand them something creamy....evil Joey

Pink lady show them one at a take and take your digital camera on video setting

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LOOK TO SOME OF THE MUPPETS HERE WHO THINK i NEED HELP... CHILL OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!


THE NIPPLE STORY CAME FROM THE TRUE STORY IN A LADS MAGAZINE CALLED FHM...

AND SEEN BY MOST AS JUST YUUUUUUUUUUUUCK AND SOMETHING YOUR MATES WOULD TAKE THE PISS OUT OF YOU FOR IN THE PUB FOR BEING SO STUPID.


THE CAT STORY GOT EMAILED TO ME AND MOST FOLK WHO HAVE HAD A CAT WILL KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET THE CAT TO TAKE A PILL AND THAT OFTEN THE CAT WINS AS IT DID IN EACH LINE...


RELAX!!!!!!!! and get a sense of humour guys and a life .... stop taking it so serious

I actually love cats. Ive had too and no we were not cruel to them... but is was a right job to get them to a vet as the cat was psykick and would scarper at the first hint of trouble

Answer 1

Now that was hilarious. At last, someone on here with a sense of humour. Thank you for restoring my faith in the human race. Now where did I put that banana smoothie.....................

Answer 2

I'm sure I've read the Cat story before, somewhere... but it's good for a giggle. The boiled boobs...? UGH! I've suffered with a boil once so I know how disgusting they are...! Didn't see that coming, so I guess it's a good story...! Pass the bucket!

Answer 3

Funny! Loved the boil on the boobs story - definately a twist in that tale and made me laugh.

Answer 4

I thoroughly enjoyed the two storeys,
especially the one about the cat , as i have had a cat my self,
and it brought back some funny memories.
Thanks for the chuckle.

Answer 5

The story about the cat is messed up and cruel mate, in fact i think you sound very messed up and cruel also...

Answer 6

11/10. very funny. now how can I e mail this about.
well done mate.

Answer 7

Re: cat story.....

Shoot Cat -Insert pill.....

Job done!




p.s. I love cats really.... but they are buggers when it comes to pills....

Answer 8

Wow what a story.

Answer 9

LMAO ,heard them before but they are still funny

Answer 10

that main story is sick!! now it should put people off one night stands