Today after 8 + years of constant unasked for advice and critiscm I snapped and had words with my stepmother.
She has always helped me with my daughter for which I am grateful as it has allowed me to go to work knowing my child was safe and loved.
BUT every other day she has told me what I am doing wrong, when I should be doing something that I am disorganised, I shouldn;t do this etc. And all the time I have smiled and said ok.
My younger brother has left home and not returned because of this woman.
Today after she told me over the phone that I should not have got married and should not be having any more children I had had enough.
I went across to see her and told her that I appreciated and was grateful for everything she does for me with regards my daughter enough was enough and I could not stand any more of her "advice"
She then went off on one. I told her (calmly) that I should be allowed to voice my opinion as well. Huge row resulted - me calm her shouting.
Was I wrong?
2006-06-21 10:57:21 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
p.s I am 28.
2006-06-21 11:02:43 · update #1
Well done, I know how hard that was to do, because I've been there in my youth!
Now wait her out and stay as calm as before, continue to be your usual self.
If you're lucky, this could be a life learning experience for her. If it isn't, don't beat yourself up over her problems, they're her's, not yours.
Whenever others need to control our lives, criticise everything about us, it's usually because they are frightened, or troubled in their own life, or frightened of being left behind.
She needs you in her life, every bit as much as you need her, she just needs to accept that you are an adult, and learn to treat you with respect.
You've shaken her, now wait her out.
You've proven your maturity in the way you handled this situation, it's down to her to follow suit.
2006-06-21 11:41:00 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 10⤊ 3⤋
Communication in the proper form (respectful, calm, constructive) is never wrong. From your comments, it seems there are some good points to your stepmother, and in her own very misguided way she is probably trying to "help" with her criticism and advice in the only way she knows how. The comments hurt worse coming from someone so close to you. If it is worth trying to mend fences, I would recommend that you write a letter, which may possibly reiterate some of what you have already said. Make it as positive as you can without losing ground - you love her, you respect her, you need her support and you feel hurt when she says "......." Despite your calm presentation earlier, she probably felt attacked and reacted rashly. A letter would give her time to think about things. Your relationship may never heal completely, and if it does it will likely take more bending on your part than hers. You have to decide if it is worth saving. The last thing I can tell you is this: the comments are hurting you, so the more effort you put into letting them roll off your back, the happier you will be. It doesn't make her right in saying what she does, it just reduces your level of stress if you can think "OK, what does she know, but I'll love her and smile and thank her for her concern then forget she ever said it". Good luck.
2006-06-21 11:19:44 · answer #2 · answered by davis0375 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me like you should learn to stand up for yourself more often-otherwise the longer you bottle things up (and im awful for this!! :) ) the more dramatic it is, when it finally surfaces.
I think theres no time liek the present-and you did the right thing but finally telling her the truth-and being honest (even though sometimes the truth hurts!)
Even though she has been good to your daughter, and cared for her as her own (which you have to respect) she should also have respect for you-and should not tell you how to bring up your daughter-and epsecialley not tell you that you are doing it "wrong". Parenthood isnt easy i know (although im not talking from experience!!) and she of all people should understand this.
She is probabley hurt and upset at the moment, as if you put yourself in her shoes for a second (minus the put downs!!)- you would see that she thinks that you have perhaps disrespcted her, and are not thankful or appreciative or her childcare or being there for you.
I would personally try to resolve this as soon as you can-as not only will you loose a step mother, but you daughter will suffer also.
Explain to her your feelings and be honest and open with her. Tell you that she has hurt you for a long time with the comments that she has said-and that at times you have felt undermined and undervalued, and made to feel like you are not a worthy mother.
I would tell her that i respected her wishes, but to not to be so critical as it deeply hurt me. I would also apologise for any harsh words said (someone needs to apologise first to break the ice!!) and that you greatly appreciated everything she did for you.
A hug never goes a miss!
I hope this helps...
Good luck!
xx
2006-06-21 14:14:29 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
no you were not wrong. now she knows how you feel. now that she knows this you should set up consequences for her acting in the ways you dislike. treat this like you would trying to teach your child not to do things. she wants to keep criticizing you husband well she doesn't have to see your family. that way your husband is not there for her to criticize. criticize your job, no more gifts or anything of value. change of behavior through manipulation if she is not an understanding person.
2006-06-21 11:04:47 · answer #4 · answered by fubar2us 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No way - you have every right to voice your opinion! She just didnt like to hear it - but too bad for her. You shouldnt be subjected to her advice in exchange for her help!
2006-06-21 11:02:31 · answer #5 · answered by Just Curious 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i dont think it would matter if you were 108 or just 8 respect for the individual doesnt need to be 'earned'...there are "unspoken rules" to communicating...that being that people should be prepared to listen, as well as talk...i think you have it sussed, not sure about your step mum though?!...time will tell
2006-06-21 11:17:00 · answer #6 · answered by notmyfault.marc 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you go girlfriend!! This woman obviously has control issues. It sounds like you handled it just right.
2006-06-21 11:08:24 · answer #7 · answered by sparkie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hell no! Bravo! You kept your cool and that opinionated woman didn't! It's her move now, one that had better start with "I'm sorry". WTG!
2006-06-21 11:01:26 · answer #8 · answered by shire_maid 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no, BUT gift horses and mouths spring to mind
2006-06-21 11:16:25 · answer #9 · answered by dogbob 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow well done its probabily about time to..shes got to realise she can support you but she should never interfere.
2006-06-21 11:04:05 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋