My four year old son won't listen to anything I say....?

Question

Could someone tell me if something has worked for them??? He's been in the time out chair, I've taken his favorite toys, games etc. Nothing seems to work.... Not only is he disrespectful to me but my neighbours little girl is six and he bullies her and says mean things to her..... I don't understand why he's like this, both his father and I have a loving relationship and we always use common courtesy.... Please help, I'm afraid that Ive lost control and now I'm wondering how to get it back

Answer 1

First I must say, I am sorry this is so long....but there were so many points to touch on, and I just need to give it all to you in good detail, for you to be able to make this work! So bare with me here.....
I am so sorry to hear of your frustration with all of this, mainly because you are right, and I know it must wear on you, but more importantly, it is making it near impossible for you to enjoy motherhood and your children as the true blessing that they are. Try to realize, that there is help, and something will work, but it is going to take alot of work and time, since from the sounds of it, your son is already way out of hand. I will help you with each and every instance when I can.
First of all, sit down with him and have a LONG talk. he is 4, and old enough to understand most of what you will need to say. Explain to him, that his behavior has really gotten out of hand, and that you need his to try really hard to help make everything better for everyone. Tell him there will be no more extras of anything, until she earns them back by showing he can be better....that means no more treats, new toys, etc.... Ask him to talk to you about his feelings. I am only guessing here, but it sounds like there is something bothering him. It could be as simple as....he feels you don't love her as much, because she senses your frustration with her....even though your frustration is for good reason. You will have to talk to him about starting all over with a new "whatever his name is" ("new Ryan" for example), and a new you, to both get along better. Time-outs are clearly not enough. For starters, if he is screaming and throwing a fit, then he STAYS in time-out. Do not start the timer for time-out, until he is quiet and calm.....it is ok for him to cry, but not scream, yell, or throw a fit. When he is calm ...start the time for 10 minutes...if he starts screaming again, tell him that time-out starts all over....and when he is calm again, reset the timer for another 10 minutes....do not let him out of time-out when he is done with his fit....that tells him he is in control...
Make sure he understands this....he needs to see you are calling the shots. Tell him how much you love him, and that that is why you are changing things now....you want him to grow up to be a good person. If he screams and throws a fit for anything....whatever it is, do NOT give it to him, and if other kids hand it over to make him happy, take it away and say he doesn't get it, because that is not how we handle things. Tell him he needs to learn to use his words, and that it is ok to be upset, but not ok to act that way. If he tells you NO, get a bar of ivory soap, and use it every time he disrespects you. You don't have to put it in his mouth much, but make sure it touches his lips/teeth so he gets a good taste. I know this may sound harsh, but your son is going to need this to get him back in line. With my kids I only used the soap once (for biting their siblings), and that was all it took. Have the soap somewhere where he can see it as a reminder
I don't believe in spanking usually, however, I have used it when 1) they are doing something that could hurt them (such as running in the road), or 2)when they did something really terrible like hurting another person....I saved it for those types of things so they would always know that this behavior was NOT taking place with me around. They have only been spanked maybe 10 times total in their whole lives, at the most, less for my younger ones,.
When your son does well, REWARD him with time alone with Mommy or Daddy. It sounds like he needs that more than anything. At first, reward him for 20 minutes of good behavior....take him in another room and play a game with just him or watch a movie, or make some brownies together! And be ridiculously complimenting him and talking about his good behavior every 5 or 10 minutes. I know that sounds ridiculous, but he will need that at first until she starts to understand the new way. Then little by little he will need it less often....only needing a reward every hour, then every few hours, etc etc....but that may take days! Literally ignore his if he is being snotty, but not hurting anything...and only say, "I don't want to spend time with you when you act that way, it doesn't make me feel very good. I will pay attention to you, when you decide to be nice again." Then when he changes his "tone" make a HUGE deal of it, and hug him and kiss him and tell her how much you love the new him! You must over react with excitement, to get your point across to him that you love the good him, and even though it will make you feel silly, it will make him really try harder. What you are trying to do is make him realize that the good behavior will get your attention, not the bad. But do talk to him, because it sounds like there is some underlying problem that he just isn't sure how to verbalize to you.
.Tell your 4 yr.old that if he can't act like a 4 yr.old, then he won't be treated like a 4 yr.old. he has to be a big boy if he wants the priveleges that go with being big.
You must stand strong....and discipline him constantly and consistantly, he will only continue to get worse if you don't, and you need to be able to LOVE your son........Good luck! You will be in my thoughts......

Answer 2

This is a completely normal situation that happens to most people so don't feel like you're a bad parent. You should look at this problem as lots of individual problems, because from what you say, nothing has caused a major reason for all of these things. The main problem here is his sister, because he could end up seriously hurting her. First try to explaining to him why he shouldn't hurt others. If he doesn't listen then catch the individual situations by taking him aside and talking to him, DO NOT USE TIME OUT/NAUGHTY CORNER, because he will not learn anything. With children his age it is all about being calm and being prepared to explain situations as he won't know anything you have'nt told him. You don't sound like the sort of person to do this but don't shout or be violent with him because he looks at you for guidance and if he sees you expressing your anger like this then he will copy as this is what you've taught him. Don't do a super nanny and leave him in his room to cry about stuff because although he will go to sleep eventually it's only because young children don't have a fight or flight instinct and so they do the only thing they can when they're in trouble is cry to get help and when he does stop crying it's because he is shutting down and giving up which teaches him that he cannot make a difference in the world and nobody loves him. I'd need a more detailed description in order to answer your question properly so e-mail me with any other details you can if you want a more precise guide of what to do. P.S; is the child four or two, this is not clear. All of this is based on how old he is.

Answer 3

Without observing the situation it is hard to tell you what might work, however watching Nanny 911 (if this isn't something you've already done) may give you some insight on what is going on and maybe some suggestions on how to get this under control. Often the parents don't realize certain things they are doing are influencing certain behaviors in their child. Also, if your son goes to a public daycare, that could be some of what is going on. I used to work for a daycare and unfortunately the behavior of the 'good' kids didn't rub off on the ill-behaved ones. It was the other way around.
I know that consistency is very important. If you say that you are going to do something if he misbehaves, then follow through every time. Make sure you do not threaten something that you are not going to carry out. That way he knows what consequences will come from his behavior.
Again, I suggest watching that show, it gave me some really good insight with my son who is 2 1/2.
I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 4

A nuisance child is a cry for help. I am sure you are a loving parent who seems very concerned with your child's well fair. Children test limits all the time. Its very normal. However, I would recommend consistency. Try to praise him with your attention when he is doing the "right" thing. Do not focus so much on control or ostracizing him. Be consistent and ignore negative behavior and praise positive behavior. This is not a pure science and can test your patience........hang in there and use the resource I listed below from incredible early childhood educators across the country. Good Luck

Answer 5

Ok, this will be kind of long. I have had this problem too. I looked for advice from a professional. I tried spanking, time outs, taking toys away and nothing ever worked. What I was told to do is Do the time out thing. ( time out is somewhere that there is nothing to be entertained by, No tv, no toys, no nothing). Do not talk to your child while they are in time out. If he is yelling or crying tell him his time out will start when he is quiet. If he still will not cooperate then take him somewhere like a room and shut the door. Remember no entertainment. Hold the door shut if you have to. Tell him when he decides to be quiet and sit in time out he can come out. Do not let him out until he is quiet. When he does come out put him back in time out to finish his time. If he does this remind him why he was in time out. If he does not go back to the room. The Dr. that i spoke with said it is a vicious cycle. It could be an all day thing, but sooner or later they will get tired of this and they will remember. My first question was" what if he tears up the room while he is in there?" He said that after his time out is complete then make him go in and pick up some of the stuff he messed up. Not all at once. Let him play then go back and pick up more. If he refuses to pick up back to time out. VICIOUS CIRCLE! But as hard and long this seems it has worked for my son who is 5. Good luck!

Answer 6

Look lady, the problem with parenting in our day in age is that everyone is scared they are being watched, everyone is worried about the store secutrity camera watching them... got some news for the world-THEY ARE NOT RAISING YOUR KID! you are.
you need to start spanking your kid..time outs just give them time to plan what stupid thing they'll do next. I dont condone child abuse but let me tell you this, I had to spank my son 4-5 times between the age of 6-7...I have never had the need to do it again... because he understands that misbehaving to a degree will get him a sore *** and grounded with nothing but the walls to stare at.... stop doing what is PC and start doing what is needed to keep your son from becoming the next high school shooter

Answer 7

i have a little boy that is the same way. what I have done, I start counting to 2 if has not stopped the behavior then he does go to the time out chair. i know you said you tried it . but i also put 4 Min's on the timer and if he is not quite and still is not wanting to stop. i put more time on the clock till he is quite and ready to say sorry for what he has done no matter if it took 4 hours to get throw to him. the good new is after 4mounth of me siting to my guns he got the point if mommy counts i will stop or to the chair

Answer 8

Ever watch that Nanny show on tv?
I don't have kids of my own so I'm not best one for giving advice to this question but the things on that show that they always stress are:
not losing your cool..keep your voice calm
being consistent with punishment
talking to your kids when they are calm about how you felt when they were acting up and about how they felt

I'm sure there are books out there that can help more with specific info.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 9

It sounds like he wants to be the boss, and you are losing. Make sure you be clear taht YOU are the boss, and YOU are in control. It's a battle of wills. Do not let him get away with anything that deserves a punishment. You have to show that you are in charge, not him. Read Dr. James Dobson's "Strong willed child", and another one (I forgot the title) for toddler discipline. Talk to him when he is in a good mood, and explain to him what are the things he does that bothers you and hurt your feelings. And if he does them again he'd be punished (be specific of what) and be VERY consistent in executing them when he does misbehave.

Answer 10

you have a loving relationship with your husband but how about your child. Take a look at who he is hanging around at daycare or where ever he might be picking up these habits and reward for being nice. Make him say sorry for being mean to the girl next door. Because behavior is learned so he must see it someplace. So take a good hard look at his environment.

Answer 11

okay sounds mean but I would Yell at him and but the fear of god into him. I babysit a child how does the same thing and his mom was like throw your shoe at him, or spank him. well I don't spank, but he has been yelled at and a couple of times when he was being a real pain in the A**, when we would be out I would buy everyone else McDonald's and not him, and thing like that. it seemed to have worked because he WILL NOT talk back to me anymore! good luck