god or no god in wedding ceremony?

Question

My boyfriend & i have began to plan our wedding. We have a serious problem concerning the ceremony. I'm atheist, he was raised Christian but is seriously beginning to doubt the existance of god (we met in an atheist chat room). The problem is that i want no mention of god, no prayer, no religious undertones etc in the ceremony. He became very upset, his family are strong Christians & he felt that it would be a huge insult to them & disrespectful. He suggested that we comprimise. How the heck do you comprimise in this situation? Mention god and say a prayer in one half of the ceremony, and not in the other, that makes absolutely no sense. My beliefs would still be disregarded. I care deeply about his family, but this is OUR wedding. I'm not willing to cheat myself to please his family. If it was actually HIM that honesly wanted the prayer and mention of God, i'd be ok with that But he flat out said, "I just don't want to catch grief from my family". What do i do?

people have scolded me that the ceremony is not just for us, it's for our families too. well my family is agnostic, what do you do there? can we ask the friend who is marrying us to say "the groom has requested a prayer" then something short and sweet be said. maybe this would appease his family. if i don't believe and he doesn't believe then why is this even an issue. I feel that allowing too much "god" into the ceremony is causing me to be untrue to myself, he said he feels the same, but is willing to suck it up to make mom and grandma happy, should i give up and do the same despite my strong feelings?

Answer 1

My wife and I were in exactly the same situation when we were married. I was an atheist and my wife was catholic. She was not a strong catholic, but her family was and she didn't feel like she could marry outside of a church. At the same time I did not feel comfortable with any mention of god, which would have felt dishonest and hippocritical. We did find a compromise which worked perfectly. We were married in a Unitarian Church. I was happy, the ceremony had no direct mention of god. And she was happy because her family saw her being married in a church.

Also Unitarian ministers tend to be very sensitive to this issue and can handle it extremely gracefully so that everyone is happy. I don't think most of her family even noticed that there was no mention of the word god in the service.

About 30% of Unitarians are atheist, the Unitarian minister who performed my ceremony was atheist in fact. I know this will work for you because your description is exactly the situation we were in. Good Luck!

I don't think the christians who are telling you to be hippocritical and include prayers and such really understand that one of the things that makes an atheist what they are is a committment to honesty. Perhaps they think it is ok to pretend to be something you are not, but I know for most atheists, honesty is extremely important, and I would not recommend abandoning it. I suspect his family would be comfortable with a Unitarian wedding. Believe me, If my wifes family could be comfortable with it they can.

Of course all the people who are telling you atheists cannot get married and such are extreme bigots. It is really sad such hateful people exist in this world. But unfortunately bigoted hatred of atheists is rampant in this country. It is fueled by the churches today, just as the churches previously fueled the hatred of the Jews prior to Hitler.

Finally, I am still an atheist, my wife is still christian and we have been happily married for over 14 years. This was my first marriage and her second.

Answer 2

The bottom line is it is YOUR DAY. You can do whatever you want. But it is also his day too, and you have to make sure he is comfortable with it. I understand where he is coming from...pissing off the in-laws is probably not the best way to start off a marriage.
My suggestion is to have a super non-traditional wedding. Make up anything you want! Get married with a way out there theme (location weddings are great too). Keep the ceremony part short, sweet, and simple but have an awesome reception. By the time the in-laws leave they will have had such a great time at the reception they will have forgotten the 20 minutes worth of ceremony.
One way to smooth things over is to let them say a blessing or something after you have walked back down the aisle (if you choose to have an aisle) or have a whole speech or song at the reception dedicated to your parents & in-laws to really express your gratitude for respecting your individuality and being so understanding about your special day. Hopefully they will be so touched they will drop the guilt trip.
Just be true to yourself (and be open minded-not necessarily about god but about traditions in his family that maybe you can incorporate into it w/out the god part).
Keep your guy in mind as you plan and good luck!

Answer 3

A wedding ceremony is intended as entertainment for the guests. It has no effect on anyone or anything else.

Go through the rituals and entertain the family. It is harmless to do so, but if you make a big fuss about it, that will create divisions for years to come.

Either elope and skip the ceremony, or have a ceremony that allows peace in the family.

As others have said, you can write & produce your own ceremony, so whatever makes you and everyone else happy is what you should do. But, what you should not do is make mountains out of molehills.

Everyone should be aware of both of your views, so there will not likely be confusion as to what you believe. It's just entertainment.


I'm an atheist and when I'm with my (mostly Christian) family, I pretend to go through their rituals since it is irrelevant and they know my views.

Answer 4

Ultimately, it is up to the two of you to decide.

I think a lot depends on how deeply religious his family is. If they are completely devout, they would probably appreciate a prayer. A prayer does not have to be absolute acceptance of god's existence. It can just be asking the world to give you peace, strength, happiness, whatever. It depends on how YOU view it.

If they AREN'T uber devout, the omission of a prayer should not be a problem. It's like not saying "bless you" when someone sneezes. You could say it, but if you don't, what's the problem?

Just make sure you are happy with the outcome. And try not to over-react to anything.

Answer 5

You to are going to need to compromise. The idea of a ceremony is religious in nature. By just having one you are incorporating religous undertones whether you notice it or not. If it is your(both of you) wedding then you will have to accomodate his family because they are a part of who he is. By not compromising you are neglecting this portion of your future husband. I have been in the same situation my finance is a different religion then I am so we are having two separate ceremonies. But if you really care for him will accomodate him, heck if he is leaning towards atheism let this be his last Christian thing he does and it could be his baptism to atheism and then you two can be together with the same ideals from that point on and after the 2nd or 3rd year of marriage, which are the most difficult, you two can renew your commitment without any religious undertones.

Answer 6

My solution, make the vows focus on asking your friends and family for support, because being and staying married is a ton of work, the marriage happens way before the actual wedding day. So the only reason to have a ceremony is to include your support group. Ask them to leave if they can't support you (this is there decision)
The group will be so overwhelmed with your insights, that they will think God is speaking directly to them. So his name never needs mention. Been there done that.

Answer 7

There are two ways of doing things, you can have a private wedding that only you and he attend, and in it you do not have to have a mention of God or anything like that, then have the wedding that all family members are present and do what they want to do! If that is not good for you then maybe marriage is not something that should be discussed right now, there are bigger fish to fry!

Answer 8

His family would probably want the mention of god involved in the ceremony because they would want you two to be blessed by all the good things in life that are unseen. They use images, scriptures, and rituals of a certain path to recognize this while you do not. I understand that you may want to be respectful to them but not bring something into your ceremony that you do not believe in. One compromise might be for you to ask your future in laws to pick a special prayer that they feel particularly special about and have that read by them in your ceremony as a special gift from them to the two of you, recognizing it as such and not as anything else. That way if there is mention of god in your ceremony, it is all about the context it was meant to be in and not making something up that you don't believe in to make a compromise. Another compromise might be for you to have some piece of music or poetry in your ceremony that honors your in laws' spirituality without claiming it to be your own. Yet another compromise might be for you to ask your inlaws to find some piece of music or literature that they would like to bring to your ceremony that is not specifically religious, but something that demonstrates how proud or happy or hopeful they are for you two. If you can show them that you recognize that the sentiment of what they want to share with you is very important to you even though the way they usually use to express it is not the same as yours, perhaps you may be helping yourselves to work on the bonding of your families and that is what marriage is all about, isn't it ? :)

Answer 9

Then if you know that it will hurt his family, dont you want to have peace among your new family? Hearing the prayer isn't going to kill you let alone hurt you. In life there are things that I don't agree with but I will tolerate it for peace. Also this is something that will go on the rest of your life, family gatherings and before eating. You do realize that too don't you?

Answer 10

The Bible says that if we except Christ we are sons and daughters of God. God doesn't have any grandchildren. In other words, you can't live your faith through another person, it must be your own. I am a strong Christian, but if you are not a Christian you should not pretend and walk through religious things to please others. If it is your own faith in Christ or your boyfriends, then go for it. But don't mock God. If it means nothing to you it is better to not do anything.