How can I motivate my teenage daughter to help with chores around the house?

Question

[speaking 41 minutes after posting the question] Wow, 28 answers in 20 minutes! Thank you all very much. I know that money can motivate, I've had some success with that in the past. But I'm thinking that family members should all pitch in together without the motivation of money. Again, thank you all for your perspectives.

Answer 1

Remember This: A) Make her feel that every bit counts and that you really appreciate her help around the house. B) Make it a team effort instead of Dictator-to-Servant relationship.

I) In the beginning, say "Look, I know in the past I've told you what I've wanted you to do around the house and I don't want to do it anymore. I would like us to start working as a team. This would make it easier for us to...list positive benefits that help the houeshold. -Then ask her to help you with the dishes. Reinforce how her help will make it easier for you to clean-up another area of the house, watch her siblings, or do something for her like iron her cloths or something. - But remain calm in the face of anger or obnoxious behavior. You may have to wash the dishes yourself in the begining.

II) If the above fails to get her involved, have 2-more (and that's all) conversations with her stating that you need her help. Continue talking to her as if this is a team and not a Disctatorship. Say something like, "If you want me to have enough time to wash your favorite shirt (or something) or take you somewhere I'm going to need your help with the dishes, vacumming, etc..." or say "Daughter, I understand you have a lot going on but I'd really would appreciate your help. We all live here, but I can't clean-up ALL of the messes. I would really appreciate it if we could work togther as a team."

III)After going back and forth with her and seeing no effort, there will come a day that she needs something. This may be hard to do, but you have to resolve yourself to not giving her what she wants no matter how mad she gets (Believe it or not, we love our parents no matter what and she will forgive you) NOW, on this day, if you are unable to finish something she needs or requests because she didn't help, you can honestly say, "I needed your help today and you didn't help me vaccum, clean your room, etc... As a result, I had to do it. Therefore, I honestly didn't/don't have time to ....(whatever the request is here)"

Walk away. Don't engage in an argument, don't say I told you so, don't do anything. Let her vent. Ignore her.

All in all, teenagers are searching for their own independence, they don't want to feel like they are being forced into doing something without control and want to know the benefits of doing what you say. It's human nature I guess.

I hope you see that the above tactic will teach your daughter that there are consequences for her "in-action". It also says that you don't want to "boss" her around, but want to work as a team in order to complete household tasks. Remember, to be fair. Don't make her clean the entire house by herself, that's not teamwork! Do remain fair and split the chores up so that she realizes you are also working. If all else fails, ground her...pls don't abuse her.

Answer 2

My mother never made me do any chores at all other than keep my room clean. She never griped at me, she never moaned and complained or took out her aggravations of the world out on me. I love her for that. My mother raised 3 kids by herself. She actually let us have a childhood when i was a child. We did do dishes, but we where never forced to do it. I know parents that force their kids to do all the housework at even ages of 7 and 8 years old. I think it's disgusting that kids are being treated as little slaves around the house. Some say, making kids do chores gets them ready for the real world. I think that is complete crap. I do all my own chores, cooking, cleaning, washing, groceries, like i said, my mother never made me do anything, so that cannot be true. I'd say force her to do her room, but i wouldn't force her to do chores around the house. She will have her own chores when she gets her own place. I never understand parents who want to control kids. No wonder some kids grow up hating their parents. Bribing their kids to do stuff. Do this or i'll take away something. Don't you see what kind of parenting that is. It's pathetic. Just my opinion.

Answer 3

I have an 18 year old daughter - I do not agree with the money aspect of chores. My daughter lives with me and my partner of 16 years....no one in our family has assigned 'chores' there are only three of us who live there so the three of us are expected to keep the house and the yard clean. it took a while but I continued explaining to her what 'helping out around the house' means - and what to do - she now understands it is her responsibility to live like a family - and not treat me like a hotel. Now if she sees the trash needs emptying she will do it - last night after dinner she got up and just swept the kitchen floor!! I was amazed and I thanked her sincerely. Thisis only just begining to work - and I have to remind her a lot still - but more and more she is understanding WHY I want her to help.

Answer 4

Don't motivate her with money. Then she will expect to get paid for everything you ask her to do. Besides, the older she gets, the more money she'll want and you really don't want to start that nasty cycle. Tell her she can't do any of the things she wants to do until they are done. I don't get this bargaining with kids these days, when I was a teenager, if my Mom said do something and I didn't, she would whoop my a** and I'm a very responsible person today because of it.

Answer 5

With options, either do the chores or you're grounded. If you want to go anywhere and have spending change, you better make sure your chores are completed. Set up a chart if necessary showing a calandar grid with all the things she wants to do noted in advance on the calendar. Your chart lists the chores and those completed show they've earned one of their paid outings. Otherwise, if they do not complete their chores they can forget privileges they take for granted.

Answer 6

Remind her that certain amenities she enjoys (such as phone, internet access, designer clothes, money, going out) are PRIVELEGES and not rights. Then tell her in order to EARN those priveleges, she needs to contribute in and around the house.

Then make a list of chores for her to help with. Assigns values to those chores (phone minutes, a couple dollar, etc.) and if she does not complete the chores, she is deprived of those things.

Answer 7

Positive reinforcement. It's almost like bribing her to do it, but it will work. And eventually, you won't have to do it so often because it becomes a habit and she'll begin to do them without the "prize" you originally offered for the chores. It's a simple behavorial science concept. Reinforce positively when she does them, and punish her when she doesn't by taking things away from her that she normally needs (negative punishment). It takes a little time, but it normally works.

Answer 8

Unfortunately money talks, make her allowance be based on the chores she must do, make up a rate of exchange, eg one load of laundry washed = $2 washed and folded $5 etc.

Answer 9

When I was a teenager and I didnt want to do something my mother asked me to do, she brought the incident up the next time I wanted something from her. If I wanted to use the car, or have friends over, she would say, "Remember when I tried to get you to rake the leaves and you never did it?" I wanted to use the car so badly that at THAT time I was willing to rake every yard on the block. But she still said no and reminded me that the next time she needed me to do something, I had better remember this situation.

Answer 10

Cut her asss off. Let her know that until she does her part around the house you will give her money for NOTHING. Then you TELL her what you expect her to do around the house and if she doesnt comply....you punish her asss. You need to BE the parent in your house (the home YOU provide) for your daughter.