i was engaged to a marine who was KIA in jan. of '04. he was two weeks from coming home(and us getting married a week after he was coming home) and was killed in an ambush, we have a son together, now almost 2 yrs old. ive dated since then and after 2 yrs i still dont think ive completely moved on, i know he wont completely go away, and i dont want him to, but, its been 2 yrs and it just seems like i should be moving on by now. right now i have a boyfriend and we were engaged but ended up ending the engagement. Anyone with any advice or experience, things that can help me get passed him?
2006-06-21 05:50:56 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Politics & Government ➔ Military
i dont need a counselor..thanks...but its not THAT bad
2006-06-21 05:59:03 · update #1
i served in the marines with him, we were deployed at the same time, had the same set time to come home, i cant talk about the details due to clearance but the basic fact is i saw him killed, i think the one thing that kept me going was my son(logan) and brad(my ex)'s best friend, justin. i understand that he will always be there, in a sense, but sometimes i feel guilty about the guy im with if i am dating b/c i feel like i dont give all that i have to him, that some is still with brad. im ready to date, but i just dont want to get serious right now, my main focus is on logan and my younger brother who i have parental custody of and starting my career since i got my degree.
i just wanna know if its ok to be dating and if its fair that i dont give it all, that he'll always be there and whoever i end up with will have to understand that. in which case i had broken up with a soldier i was dating because he reminded me too much of brad and i didnt want to do that again
2006-06-21 07:07:11 · update #2
Sometimes it is hard to move on. Psychological help sometimes is recommended, it is not that bad. Sometimes, it is nice to talk to someone who is a stranger, and know that confidentiality is there and good advise can come out of that person. Your son can be the reason why you have not moved on. What I think happened is that God wanted your son to come to this world in order to help you with the loss of your fiance. A Marine never dies. He is probably guarding the gates in heaven, awaiting for you and your son to come trough. And knowing how Marines are, he probably wants you to be happy by marrying someone who will take care of his son and you. You have to carry on with your life so he can safely guard the gates in heaven. God Bless.
2006-06-21 05:59:40 · answer #1 · answered by EJU006 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You want to get past him, but I don't think that is the way to go.
You need to know that he is always going to be a part of your life and you will always love him. Once you know that you can never replace him or his love, moving on will be better. You need to realise that he can't come back, that is the hardest part of war.
You might not be ready for a new relationship yet. It takes time to get over a regular breaking up, but KIA is completly different. It will take longer because he never stopped loving you.
Take your time and don't rush into a relationship, it will happen. Just enjoy your life and your son right now. Then, when the pain is not as sharp, figure out EVERYTHING you want in a man, write it down and don't settle for less.
2006-06-21 06:31:36 · answer #2 · answered by jaelyn1976 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The most important thing is to focus on raising your son and not on developing another love life right now. With time, wounds heal. Being a military wife is tough, but we have to go into it with our eyes open. You will heal, as others have said, promise! It's also normal to grieve. Our culture dictates that we be "happy" all the time, and life is not like that. That's unrealistic. Things happen in life to make us tougher and stronger. You will be a better person for it, if you just allow yourself to grieve. After a few years, you will move on. You will!
2006-06-21 06:18:37 · answer #3 · answered by Nani 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are doing a good job so far. Don't rush things hun it will take a while to get over him and remember you will never forget him and don't try to make yourself either. Whoever and whenever you do find someone they will have to understand that there was another love in your life and that you should be able to talk about him freely especially since hes your sons daddy. All the best hun and just remember, talking about him and keeping his memory alive will help. Best of luck.
a military wife
2006-06-21 09:05:12 · answer #4 · answered by Heather W 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your problem is a pretty basic psychological complex. I'm by no means an expert, but I did notice this. You are afraid to get too close to someone else for two major reasons. 1) You were so close to getting married to your previous fiance when he was killed that you still feel engaged to him. So whenever you are with someone else, you feel like you are cheating. Having a child with him has enhanced this feeling. It's normal to feel that way, you just have to think of what he would want from you...happiness or lonliness? If he truely loved you, and I'm sure he did and still does, he would want you to be happy. It's a bit cliche, but it is true. 2) You are afraid of heartbreak and tragedy. No one enjoys it, I know, but since you were so close to your wedding day when he died, that may have triggered a fear of commitment. When you get close to someone and you are getting to a point (such as marriage) in the relationship that will escalate it to a whole new level, you "freak out" and it falls apart. Perhaps you didn't actually "freak out," but in the back of your mind you remember what happened last time. It's common for some people in relationships like that to say, "I know it's going to end sometime, so I'm just saving myself from the pain." So, you don't get excited about the engagement and your heart isn't totally in it. It happens with expecting parents that have had miscarriages in the past (been there). Eventually, the relationship deteriorates and ultimately ends...sometimes roughly. These are pretty common problems with someone who has gone through such horrible tragedies as you have. As unfortunate and as difficult as it is, you just have to keep thinking that he wants you to continue and be happy. It's hard, it has to be, but you will make it. He still loves you and as long as you remember him in your heart, you will never have to worry about him leaving. If you haven't "moved on" in the last 2 years, big deal. It may take you longer. You loved the guy, he wasn't just a friend. You take your time getting past his memory. It's your issue to deal with. Just remember that he is with you always, and perhaps that can give you some comfort. And take your time with new relationships and such. You'll make it. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to email me. My address is on my page. I won't hesitate to lend an ear...or in this case, an eye. Good luck, friend.
2006-06-21 06:46:53 · answer #5 · answered by bluejacket8j 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very sorry for your loss; you probably should seek the help of a counselor particulary one in grief counseling. I wish you the best of luck. Try www.counselors.com I think is the web site you can actually get help right over the web. If that site is not accurate you can search for counselors online at yahoo.com. There are also low income counseling programs available through the YWCA for women such as yourself.
2006-06-21 05:54:40 · answer #6 · answered by netjr 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What do you want, love life advice? Take more time, it has been less than 2-1/2 years & you have already been engaged & broken off engagement. You can not heal yourself with a substitute. Give it time.
2006-06-21 06:22:17 · answer #7 · answered by Wolfpacker 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I think you have gotten some great advice so far, give yourself all the time you need. Also know he was a man of honor and courage, and the best way honor his memory is to be happy yourself even if it means with someone else.
2006-06-21 06:10:47 · answer #8 · answered by Bill S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry hunny. However all you can do is slowly move on day by day. Only time will heal everything. It might take 3 years or 10 years to completly move on. Just take it day by day and don't rush things. It will get easier I promise.
Goodluck and if you need to talk just give me a shout.
2006-06-21 05:54:29 · answer #9 · answered by Stephanie K 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you really loved him, and that is going to be something you never really get over. 2 years really isn't that long. Maybe you just aren't ready for that yet. When you're actually ready for it, you'll know. Don't rush into anythink with matters of the heart. Good luck!!!
2006-06-21 05:55:13 · answer #10 · answered by tinktink20 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋