My wife and I have been married for 16 years and she recently told her father that she was sexually abused by her uncle when she was 8 years old, I thought that her father would be outraged by this, (as I was) but he could'nt care less about it, and wont even talk about it, all he wants to do is bury his head in the sand, and pretend it did'nt happen, should I hate him for his attitude??????? my wife and I have not spoken to him for the past 12 months.
2006-06-20 22:42:59 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
if I found out that my brother had abused my daughter, I would break both his legs, and then turn him into the police, I would gladly go to jail for assaulting him, at least I could stand up and say that I was a man, and I did it for my daughter.
2006-06-20 23:13:13 · update #1
The reason your wife has you is to help her stand up and feel cared for - obviously your F-I-L is a weak man and is a great disappointment to you.
Life is very complicated and you can't judge your f-i-l weaknesses . It is probably more painful for your wife to know the truth about her father than the abuse she received from her uncle - that is probably why as a child she didn't tell her father because she knew that she wouldn't be heard.
It is enough that you feel outrage for the abuse and it is very healing for your wife
2006-06-20 23:33:52 · answer #1 · answered by prettymama 5 · 4⤊ 3⤋
You should'nt hate him.
It was a matter happened at 8 years of your wife and you have lived happily for 16 years. The konwledge of what happened so long back should not haveen ourraged you in the first instance and also how and why your father-in-law should be held responsible and accountable? Forget it, since much water over the years had flown over the issue and the same could have vanished from existance by now. Have nice evening with your father-in-law over a drink and supper followed. Nice sleep, everything forgettonby erasing the impact from the mental spectra.
2006-06-20 22:53:47 · answer #2 · answered by mkm 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
After this many years what do you expect the man to do? Your wife waited for what sounds like 30 years to tell someone, Thats a life time... You're her husband - you confront the uncle, and don't hate dad, perhaps he did know and did do something, and wants it buried...
Hate is a very strong word, No you should not hate the man, in-fact you shouldn't even be upset with him... things happen in peoples lives, things that are out of our control... Dad has his reasons - leave him be - you handle it, or let your wife handle it...
2006-06-20 22:56:59 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that to hate someone is to use a lot of your time and energy in a negative way. You are right not to have spoken to him because he obviously doesn't care enough to make the effort to do something about what you both told him. Don't waste your lives on this excuse for a man. If you hold hatred in your hearts it will make you both bitter.
I have experienced these feelings for my father-in-law also, not for the same reasons, and have learned that he will only change if he wants to change. It is highly unlikely that he ever will change so I don't use up any of my energy or time on thinking about it. It takes time to be able to feel this way so don't be too hard on yourselves if you can't do this straight away. In time you will realise that he is simply not worth the heartache unless he comes to you and sincerely apologises saying he was afraid and didn't know what to do.
Good luck with all that you do.
2006-06-20 22:52:28 · answer #4 · answered by Tatsbabe 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some people do not know how to deal with issues like that. And sometimes its best to let the past stay there , when it comes to discussing it with certain people from the past. Just be happy that your wife has enough confidence/comfortable in you to discuss/share with you what has happend to her in her past! When you really think about it there really is not to much your wifes dad can do now to change what has happened ! and as for his reaction to what was told to him is the way HE handles it! But you cant hate him for it! Just know that if you have a daughter that you would reassure your own child that if they ever need to discuss anything with you to do it with the confidence that you will listen, now that is something that is instilled in our children at very very young age!
2006-06-20 22:59:55 · answer #5 · answered by Melimel 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't think you should hate him,maybe try to understand that he may be needing alot of time to understand it and figure out how he wants to deal with it.He loves his brother and loves his daughter,He has alot of mixed emotion.Give it more time,time is what it takes,And you know in his ERA of being a child alot of that stuff took place on those kids and it's not an excuse for what has now happened,but he needs to understand it and he's got some past history and present history to deal with now.
2006-06-20 23:31:55 · answer #6 · answered by rosie w 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We all handle stuff in different ways, maybe his way is to imagine it never happened. But that is no excuse. Hating him now will not make much of a difference, whats done is done. just find a way to move on from the past and hope for a better future as a family.
2006-06-20 23:02:26 · answer #7 · answered by Gee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should really go out there and speak to your inlaw alone not woth your wife just go there and sit in front of him and ask him
wether he love her daughter or his uncle ?
Tell him to think wether any daughter will lie to her father regarding the sex abuse? ask him why is he not thinking about it
confirm wats the problem that he is not taking it seriouly
Do he have any weaknees or he dont belive in the words of your wife
then you can really come to know wats going on in his mind
if he still support his uncle then better you be away from him why do any one need a father who dont trust their daughter?
2006-06-20 23:12:41 · answer #8 · answered by Nick D 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
all these years why didnt ur wife tell his father about this, may be he thinks its past and gone but at least he should have showed some concern, u dont have to hate him cos he still remains ur wife's father and ur father in law and im not saying u should love him cos its hard for both of u becos he should have acted on it.
u cant be mad at him forever, just talk with him.
2006-06-21 01:14:47 · answer #9 · answered by pOOhPhAT 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This may seem like a cop out, but he may not be emotionally capable of coping with the reality that his his brother sexually abused his daughter. I'm not saying you should love him or hate him - just that he may not be capable to do what you think should be obvious. Sexual abuse causes so much damage...........
2006-06-20 22:47:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋