give me your funniest joke and i'll give you 10pts.if i think its funny?

Answer 1

The man is watching the Superbowl in the living room with some beer and chips.
The wife comes in and says... Uh.. Honey... The light in the hall is out.... think you can change it?
The husband says... WHAT???? NOW???? What... Does it look like I have General Electric written on my forehead??? I'll do it later....
The wife says.... Well.... What about the handle on the fridge? It's falling off....
The husband says... WHAT???? NOW???? What... does it look like I have Maytag written on my forehead??? I'll do it later...
The wife says....Well... what about the front steps? They're all broken and we could get sued if someone slips or falls...
The husband says... WHAT??? NOW??? What.... does it look like I have Home Depot written on my forehead?? I'm tired of your naggin'... I'm goin' to the bar.
So, after the husband had a few beers at the bar he'd realised what a SCHMUCK he'd been, and went home to help out his wife.
As he was walking up the front steps, he noticed that they weren't broken anymore... but didn't think much of it, cause he'd had a few. So he goes into the house and absent-mindedly flips the switch for the hall light...which now works... but he shrugs it off... and goes into the kitchen to get a beer from the fridge... which has a firm handle now... So now he scratches his head and says...
'Uh.. honey... how did all these repairs get done?'
The wife says....
'Well... after you left, I went out on the front steps, sat down and started crying. Soon after, this nice young man came along and asked me what was wrong. I told him, and he said that he'd do all the repairs, and all I needed to to was either sleep with him or bake him a cake'
The husband says.... 'So.... what kind of cake did you bake him?'
The wife says... 'What.... does it look like I have BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead......'

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!

Answer 2

Dear Diary,
>
> Monday:
>
> Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
> It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.
> The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice
> enough to loan me some extra bowls."
>
> Tuesday:
>
> Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve
> without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when
> Bob brought a friend home for supper.
>
> Wednesday:
>
> A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before
> steaming the rice." It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath.
> I can't say it improved the rice any.
>
> Thursday:
>
> Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
> It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
> lettuce one hour before serving." Which is what led up to Bob
> asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
>
> Friday:
>
> I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all
> ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been
> something wrong with this recipe.
> When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
>
> Saturday:
>
> Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
> He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some
> reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
>
> Sunday:
>
> Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I
> could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
> I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls
> for roast.
> It still came out hamburger, much to my
> disappointment.
>
> Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting
> week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out
> a new recipe on Bob. If we could
> just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him
> with "Chocolate Moose."

Answer 3

A salesman went to a hotel. He said,"May I have a room, please?"

The person behind the counter said, "There's one more, but it's haunted."

"I'm not afraid of ghosts."

The salesman went up to the room. When he stepped inside the room, he suddenly heard a voice. "BLOODY FINGER, BLOODY FINGER!!!" He cried out in fear when he saw that the door was locked.... sadly, his room was on the 33rd floor, so when he jumped out the window he didn't survive.

The janitor, who was used to this, cleaned up the mess and told the man behind the counter that the man had left.

Later that night, a second salesmanman came. When he stepped into the room he also leaped out the window when the voice called. The janitor did the same as he did minutes before.

Soon, a third salesmanman came in. Just as the first two men did, he took the haunted room. This time, however, when the ghost cried,"BLOODY FINGER, BLOODY FINGER!!!" the man said,"Put a band-aid on it."

The next morning, the janitor exclaimed in a surprised voice, "Wow! You're the first person to live after setting foot in that bedroom!!!"



The man, amused at the janitor's 'foolishness' said,"Oh, really? I just chatted with the ghost and sold him a first-aid kit!"

Answer 4

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for
the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and
introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living
room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on
the mantle.

When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes,"
Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken
vase scattering all around.

After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no...
I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."

"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart."

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but
your husband's ashes..."

"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off
his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

Answer 5

A woman went for a night out with the girls. She told her husband that she would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the cocktails went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., just a tad loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him, "Midnight". He didn't seem put out off at all. Whew, she thought to herself, got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When asked why, he said, "Well, in the night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh_t", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Answer 6

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of a$$!"

how's that for 10 pts ?? ; )

Answer 7

A LADY AND THREE OTHER LADYS WERE SITTING TOGEHTER ON DAY. THE FIRST LADY ASKED THE SECOND LADY IF SHE COULD CALL HER HUSBAND A SODA WHAT WOULD IT BE? SHE THOUGHT A MINUTE AND SAID '' HE'D HAVE TO BE A 7UP BECAUSE HE HAS SEVEN INCHES AND HE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO KEEP IT UP. SHE ASKED THE THIRD LADY THE SAME QUESTION AND SHE SAT THERE AND THOUGHT A MINUTE AND SHE SAID '' ID CALL HIM A MT. DEW BECAUSE WHEN HE MOUNTS HE REALLY KNOWS WHAT TO DO. SHE ASKED THE FOURTH LADY THAT QUESTION AND SHE SAT THERE AND THOUGHT FOR A MINUTE. SHE TOOK A WHILE LONGER THAN THE OTHERS. SHE FINALLY SAID '' I WOULD CALL HIM JACK DANIEL'S. THE FIRST LADY SAID '' THATS NOT A SODA THATS A HARD LIQUER. THE FOURTH LADY SAID EXACTLY!!!

Answer 8

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
come on you cant say that didnt make you laugh

Answer 9

ok I think this is how it goes
a women is applying for the CIA and they put her through a number of test ... blah blah blah too long ok to the funny part they gave her a gun full of blanks and said she had to kill her husband, they just wanted to see if she would be able to follow through , they waited outside as she went in they heard a alot of racket from in the house so they rushed in to make sure everything was ok they found her over her husband and the women simply said " The Gun wasn't working so I Killed him with the chair instead"

Answer 10

Construction Site Sign Language!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

:)