My father was neglectful. He lived with us while we were growing up and supported us, financially. But he never hugged me or told me he loved me. He never cared to share his interests with me. My memories of him include him sitting in front of the television, silent. He never took an interest in my daily life. Never asked me how my day went. And the only thing I ever learned about him was through stories my mother told me about him. I used to think he just had some sort of social disorder, and didn't know how to talk or relate to people. But as an adult, I realized he had a very close, loving relationship with my mother. And now he even has friends. I see him talking to those friends the way I'd always wished he'd talk to me. So I am conflicted. On the one hand, he didn't leave his family. He stuck in out in a job he hated, in a life he hated, just to support us. But now that I am a parent of 2 children, I just can't understand why he never acted loving towards me. ???
2006-06-20 18:28:32 · 28 answers · asked by MountainChick 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Yes please bring him back into your life. You may never know the real truth as to what he went through in his childhood. He may have kept silent towards you but he may have had to have kept his thoughts to himself when he was young. He is your father and I think that maybe when you are much older you might regret not bringing him back.
I will say a prayer for you and your family.
God Bless you!
Barbara
P.S. I am a 66 year old widow and having forgiveness in your heart is a true gift.
2006-06-20 18:37:21 · answer #1 · answered by BARBARA D 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well this is a terrible reason, and not much of an excuse, but the truth is, he probably didn't know how. I know it will be very hard for you to ever get over, but your father feels he did the best he could, as he did "stick it out" in the best and worst of times. He probably felt as though he didn't want you feeling like he was intruding on your life, so he stayed out of it the most he could. Now that you are an adult, and you can recognize the problem, it will take a long time, but eventually (if you are willing to stick it out), you can repair (and even make better) your relationship with your father. Involve him in your life (if you so desire), show him that you are proud to be his daughter, and try to show him now the relationship you wish you had always had with him. It is never too late to start your relationship with your parents, until it is too late (and you know what I mean by that). It is up to you to be the bigger person and step up to make what you want to happen, happen. I am not saying confront him and tell him what a terrible father he was for treating you the way he did, that won't accomplish the end result you are looking for. Just be patient and work with him and your mom to involve him in a better relationship. It will take years of hard work on your part. But you might just end up thinking it was all worth it.
2006-06-21 01:38:58 · answer #2 · answered by asmul8ed 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm, I'm 45, live in a small town (6,000?) and avoid my dad.
He sounds a lot like yours. He would go from liking to hating his job. The truth is, most people work because of bills to pay and make the most of it.
I told my dad I wanted to get back into machining. He said it was a boring repetitive job (he was a machinist), but I enjoyed it.
My job now is more boring and I work with people that have little interest in anything.
Growing up, my dad ignored me, even if I got a 3.5 gpa. He always liked my older brothers though. I called it the diaper rule, the sooner you were out of diapers, the better he liked you. Basically, raising children wasn't for him.And he and my mom were married for 50 years when she died.
But when I got a good job, he came around. Don't have that job anymore. Since he never got to know me, he didn't understand what was important to me.
If your life is going good and you've got friends, I wouldn't worry about your dad. You might actually be doing him a favor. It might be he'd have to change a lot in order to have you in his life. And if he feels guilty about the past, having you around could be a constant reminder.
Myself, I asked my own father about starting a one mill machine shop so we would have something to do and he would have something to manage. He said no.
My supervisor at work told me that when someone has caused someone else problems, they like to stay away rather than deal with everything. He might be right.
Sorry for being so long winded, but I know it's not easy not being able to talk to your dad. His silence doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it might be he doesn't know how to say it with everything that happened in the past.
Ya know, I could about be writing this to myself :).
2006-06-21 01:48:05 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
While I'm probably not the best person to answer this, as I never really made up with my dad, here goes.
Yes, you should at least talk to him about your feelings, make him aware, find out why. It may be possible that this was not his strong point when he was younger, and as you grew older he just never had the courage to jump in there and fix it.
Get it out in the open, see what happens and perhaps you can find a relationship still and forgive him for what he's done.
At minimum, you will have brought it to his attention and maybe created closure for you on the matter.
Hope that this helps.
Buddhadan
2006-06-21 01:36:01 · answer #4 · answered by buddhadan 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh my god, we must be sisters.
It was EXACTLY the same with my dad. I think what ruined my relationship with him, was the fact that I grew up. I commend that he never took drugs, never drank, never hit my mom, or us and was there financially.
But that Emotional void left there, it's really hard on me. My relationships with men suffer greatly cause of it NOT A CRUTCH OR EXCUSE. I sometimes find myself finding that men do not live up to my expectations. Maybe I try to fix my relationship with him through men I date, I don't know.
All I know is that when I was a little girl, I was his world, his favorite, then it just changed. So I looked for it elsewhere, not a good idea when you're a teen.
He never shows any emotion anymore, and I find that so sad, like he's chosen to be a ghost. I love him, but he's very hard to love.
I have found that in order to keep my sanity (and a shrink agreed to this) was to keep my distance from him, and if it helps me to not speak to him, then so be it. I tried being the adult with him soo many times, it is so frustrating! Also, I don't think I was born to be a translator!!! LEARN ENGLISH!!!!! Don't USE ME for that!!! I am not being selfish, think how hard it is for a 13-14 year old child to translate SSI documents, as it is, those documetns are witten at college level, and you want me to do what???
Enough soap box, but if you're of latino descent, I totally get you. Just think about what makes you happy, talk to a therapists, and make your descition. Don't do the church thing because they onyl fill you up with guilt, they're not there with you, looking at logical point of view.
2006-06-21 02:00:46 · answer #5 · answered by grldragon101 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should have a relationship with your Dad, what could it hurt? He must have some reason for why he did the things he did as you were growing up, maybe he will tell you if you just ask. People lead sad lives like that because they feel like no one cares for one reason or another, or maybe thats how your grandfather raised him, who knows. It definately wouldn't hurt to make an effort to find out. You may regret it later if you don't make the effort now.
2006-06-21 03:46:52 · answer #6 · answered by ilovekokonut 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry your father was like that towards you, it must of been difficult. Speak to your mom and dad separately and ask them why your father was like that towards you. It seems strange and maybe your father has a good reason as to why he treated you like that. Make sure you tell your father that you are still grateful for him supporting you financially etc but that you needed love more than anything else. Good luck!
2006-06-21 02:18:32 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In your story,there are no incidents like your dad making troubles or inflicting harm on you.In fact,you said pleasant things about his being resposible to your family and a loving husband to your mother.The matter is that he talk less and give less attention to you the time you needed him.
Better make the first move. There is no harm in trying. Talk with him and mend up your differences. Come into terms with him. He is you dad, your only dad in this world. That could never be changed.
2006-06-21 01:43:33 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow...i think i would first confront him about it. Just ask him if he realizes how it was for you, and see if he automatically apologizes. Maybe he realized how he was before and tried to make a change. He might just feel like he doesn't know how to aproach you about it. If he doesn't try to fix things, i would let it be. But, you don't want your kids growing up seeing you guys so distant, it can be hurtful for them too if they have a good relationship with their father.
2006-06-21 01:35:50 · answer #9 · answered by Amy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is a bit difficult for men to express themselves usually. not every guy can approach ppl probly even their family bcos that's not him.. some guys need to b approach 1st before they cud make a relation to another. I suggest u to try to approach him n try to talk to him n say how u love him too. n i think its now ur turn to support him (spiritually) as he's workin in job tat he hated,etc as u said, he wud like it. Whether u realised it or not..
He need a loving act towards him.. so if u started it 1st.. he might shows himself how he loved u too since he support his family enough
2006-06-21 01:36:16 · answer #10 · answered by Dolphin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋