How do I get through my daughter leaving for college?

Question

I didn't know it would be so hard. I'll miss her so much. I know, stay busy, raise my boys, but she has been like a stable co-parent to me as a divorced mom. I raised her to leave and start her own life though, which I'm so proud of. I walk, yoga, what else is there? How do I keep my oldest son in line and my temper in check without her to keep the dynamic? She makes everything around here easy and light, even my son's temper. He's so much like me I'm afraid we will butt heads all the time. With her around he is just happier, they are so close and she is such a good influence on him.

Answer 1

yeah its hard. its like having your heart ripped out of your chest.
the only trouble is you don't die---so it doesn't stop hurting right away. been there, done that---got the scars.

its time for your oldest boy to mature a little and try to take her place. there will be tough times, yelling, fights, and hard feelings but i think you guys can do it. we did. plus, your daughter is moving to mars or anything. so she'll be home on visits. and with vonnage and ultracheap phone plans you can stay in tough a lot.

don't make her feel guilty for leaving---she already feels that way. its up to you and you boys to make this work. you can do it--my family and i are living proof.

you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer 2

My heart goes out to you. I've been through this situation three times! Although I'm not a single parent, having a child leave for college is wrenching for ANY parent.

First and foremost, try to remember that her college experience is about HER, not YOU. She needs the freedom to make the most of everything campus life has to offer. Yes, your home life will change, but who's to say the change will be bad? You will find ways of coping and being strong that you didn't know you possessed. You will become closer to your other children.

My middle daughter and I are just alike, as you and your oldest son are. We're both very emotional, short-tempered, and stubborn. When the oldest left for college, we found new ways of relating. I made two important changes in the way I communicated with her. First, when things were tense between us, I made a concentrated effort not to react explosively. I'd go to another room and cool off before I responded. Second, I made more of an effort to LISTEN to her. These two things really improved our relationship.

If you can, and maybe you do already, get a couple of cell phones on a family plan. Keeping in contact is important, and your oldest son will be able to talk to his sister without it costing a fortune. The danger there, of course, is the possibility of calling her too often. My oldest daughter had a college roommate whose mother called every single night for four years! That would have driven even me crazy! But with my youngest, a somewhat clingy mama's girl, the phone has been a godsend. She was able to call often during her freshman year - and as she gained confidence, calls became less frequent.

Trust in yourself. The concerns you expressed here show what a good mom you are. You just need to believe it.

Answer 3

Have you ever heard the song by Suzy Bogus she's a country singer...the song is "letting go" she's only going to college not another planet. this will give you time to bond more with your other children, who just might be jealous of your relationship with your oldest daughter and that's why you butt heads. Plus they probably resent that she's had a parent role in your family dynamics and should not of given her rule over them when it should of been just your job. I know how hard it is, I too am a single parent of three and at times when your all alone you treat your oldest more like a girlfriend than your child.......it's not easy but give your daughter her freedom to leave for college without thinking that you'll fall apart without her. She needs to focus on the next step of her journey in life and that's what you want for her even though you might not see it yet....she's becoming her own person and will need to cut the apron strings....but she'll love you all the more for believing in her. Plus she'll be back for vacations.

Answer 4

I don't have children, nor siblings. So I can't say much other than if I were your daughter, I'd definitely want and need my space and freedom to be successful in college. However, she still needs the love and friendship. Thank goodness for computers! Y'all can send emails every day. She can send emails to her brother(s).

There's no possible way to fill that void. Even if you were in a burning building trying to find a way out, she would still pop in your mind. Important part is to communicate those feelings with her. Don't assume she knows.

You two sound like you're tight as anything.. Keep it tight.. Communication is so easy these days.. use it to yer advantage :)

If you're worried or concerned about the good influence part... I'm a mentor with a kids program.. it's for ages 10-18. There may be programs like that for your kid. I spend at least an hour a week (it's usually 3 or 4 hours) doing things with 'my kid'. Without me.. I'm not sure he would have had somebody to look up to - in the same way he looks up to me.

Answer 5

You will do just fine, if she has an email address maybe she can give her address to you and your son and that way you can keep in touch with each other. Try to focus on raising your son to the best of your knowledge, get him involved with things around the house. If you and your son butt heads with each other give him some time to cool off and when he's not having any kind of temper going on maybe try to work out the situation, hopefully this will be some help. good luck with what ever happens.

Answer 6

Invest in a good cell phone plan. :) Just because she can't physically be there a phone call can make a big difference. Since you and your son are a lot a like find things to do together that won't make you butt heads. It may be a time to get to know him a little better. It is never easy. I live right down the road from my mom and I know when she is missing me, half the time I go to call her she has the phone in her hand already because she was going to call me. You will find your own way to get through it.

Answer 7

She's a good vibe for both of you, so use that.
You need to volunteer somewhere, and even a short term project, or one fro a few hours, anything to show her you are doing ok. She will be gone at school for 4 years. After that, who knows? Your son will hopefully follow in her step to college.
Ask him what he wants to do as a career! Talk to him about smoking, or God, or maybe volunteering with you. Maybe he can volunteer at a rec center for a few months. The most important thing is your daughter needs to focus on school.
You both need to keep that in mind and behave, so she can get a good job. This is not the end of the book, only the end of Volume one of life. REJOICE! Do you know how many mothers of dropouts would envy you?

Answer 8

You sure put a lot of responsibility on your daughter! You aren't even concerned about her being out in the harsh world! You are very self-centered to be a mom with 3 kids. Please allow your daughter this freedom to grow without your clinging to her to fix family problems or be weighted down with guilt if she doesn't! You need to mature and work it out with your son! A counselor needs to help you two through this change and growth. Leave your daughter out of as many problems as you can so she can explore who she is and where she is going with her life. Have great family get togethers when she is home. Celebrate what a great person she is. The brother can have heart to heart talks with her when he needs to. Be the MOM and let her be the big sis!

Answer 9

Okay, YOU need to be the parent here! You should not have saddled your daughter with this responsibility. You are responsible for raising your own kids!!! It looks as though you have taken the burden your husband would ordinarily have had and placed it on your daughter. That is totally not fair to your daughter, nor is it fair to your other kids. Grow up, be the mom you are supposed to be and do the very best you can. Don't throw a guilt trip on your daughter either. Please allow her to have her college experience and let her get a good education.

Answer 10

You have to deal with the reality of the whole situation, it's going to happen. You must frame it in a way that will make you feel comfortable enough to deal with the anxiety of the situation, do not ignore it. Tell your daughter all the things she needs to know and understand that your feelings are just anxiety. Congratulate your daughter and cry when she leaves, Call her alot when she first leaves, that should make you more comfortable. By the way, you are a great parent, you have a daughter going off to college.