good jokes?

Question

does anyone have any good jokes if so send them to me here

Answer 1

A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED, "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID,

"DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE HUSBAND REPLIED, "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before
the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it?" The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight."

hope this helps me get cool points!!

Answer 4

Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Answer 5

If "infancy" is a requirement for infants;
then is "adultery" a requirement for adults?

If "infancy" is the beginning of life;
then is "adultery" the end of life?
(only if you're caught!)
===============
A couple of months ago, I was outside doing yard work when the handle broke on the garden hoe. I tried to work without it, but it just would not do. So I went to the store and bought a new one.

A couple of days later I overheard my wife on the phone saying, "David went to two Walmarts and a Hardware store looking for a 'new hoe' because he wore out the 'old hoe'." And then she started laughing at what she said.

Answer 6

High Tech Bodies

Three women, one Greman, one Japanese, and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The Greman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.

"That was my pager," she said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear and talked quietly.
When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech.
Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The Hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

Answer 7

A pregnat woman,the tooth fariy and smart blone were in an elevator and a 20$ bill way lying on the floor who picks it up.

The pregnant women, the other 2 aren't real

Answer 8

A mushroom walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "sorry we don't serve your kind in here, you look like trouble". The mushroom says, "what do you mean? I'm a fun guy/fungi".
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A skeleton wants into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
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A guy heads into a bar and gets a bad headache.
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A duck walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says “Quack, got any grapes?” The bartender says, “No I don’t have any grapes and if you don’t get out of here I’m going to nail your feet to the floor.” The duck leaves. Next day the ducks comes back. “Quack, got any grapes?” The bartender says, “No! And I told you yesterday that if you don’t get out of here I’m going to nail your feet to the floor. Now get out of here!” The duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back in and says “Quack, got any nails?” The bartender looks shocked that the duck is back and he says “No I don’t have any nails?!” The duck says “Got any grapes?!?”
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Answer 9

Two federal judges from San Antonio,Texas were in Austin visiting their elderly mother.On the way home they stopped at a small diner to get something to eat before continuing their trip. As they entered,the waitress recognized them and greeted them,"Welcome your honors. Take a seat and I'll be right with you in a moment"
They both sat down and here comes the waitress. "What can I get for both of you,"she asked. "We'll start with a couple of donuts each and two cups of coffee",said one of the judges.
Shortly,the waitress brings them their order. "Anything else I can get for you"? Both judges looked at each other and decided to order two hamburgers to go with two large sodas.
From where they were sitting both judges could see the cook preparing the food. He took a chunk of ground meat,formed it into a ball and to their shock,the cook stuck the meat ball under his armpit and flattened it out before placing it on the grill. He took another chunk of ground meat and did the same thing. The judges couldn't beleive what they were seeing.
After a while,the waitress brings their orders in two paper sacks and with two sodas. One judge looks at the waitress and says," We're not going to eat that. We saw how your cook prepared them". The waitress looks around,leans in and whispers,"I know sir. It's shocking,but if you think that's bad ,you should see how he makes the donuts".

Answer 10

What do you get when you put 32 rednecks in a room ?

A full set of teeth.


What`s the difference between Virginia and West virginia?

In Virginia Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it`s a misdemeanor.

Answer 11

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"


A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

Q: What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods?
A: I'll never do that for two bucks again.