anyone have any good jokes/?

Question

post your favorite jokes I would lilke to hear them( even if they are lame)

Answer 1

this has got to be the winner of the 10pts!!!!!

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making
love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom
window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her
vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me,
there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband
immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the
situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky
situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir
would permit." The husband being very
concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to
get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK,
what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis
and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee
getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and
the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's
vagina. The husband nodded and gave his
approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get
on with it."


So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with
honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few
gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has
noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So
the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor
began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.


The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began
to moan and groan aloud.


The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was
enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's
breasts and started making loud noises.


The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and
shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think
you're doing?" The doctor, still
concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the
bastard!"

Answer 2

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
Organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
That the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
Seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a
Spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had
Spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to
Revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that
The spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
Frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is
Better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
Man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace I t
With his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
Instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
Waiter's' fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same

String hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
Waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time I n
The restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull
It out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
Shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Answer 3

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jacka$s lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

Answer 4

A man in buckskins was laying on the ground on his belly, his ear turned towards the ground. Two Comanche warriors rode up and stopped near him, one warrior asked the other what the man on the ground was doing, the other answered, he's listening, they asked the buckskinned man what he heard, the man on the ground replied that he heard a big wagon piled high with heavy furniture, man and woman, with four kids, eight big heavy horses pulling the wagon, one of the horses had a white foot. The warriors were amazed and asked him if he could really see all that listening to the ground? not really replied the buckskinned man, the damn wagon ran over me twenty minutes ago.

Answer 5

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of
these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at
that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY:
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS!

Answer 6

gross yet funny

A blonde goes camping

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

Answer 7

There was a blonde, red, and brunett...
The 3 just escaped from prison and saw a farm and hid in 3 different potato sacks..
The officer kicked the red's bag and he said WOF WOF..
The officer said: Stupid dog!
Then he kicked the brunett's bag and he said: MEOW MEOW!
The officer said: Stupid cat!
Finally, he kicked the blonde's bag and he said: POTATOES!
The officer took the blonde's bag 2 jail...while the other 2 escaped.

Answer 8

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he' d had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.


He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked,

"Up or down?"


The ! woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,
"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f**k or drown."

:)

Answer 9

young college student housesitting for an old,rich,eccentric.The old guy says"you can party all you want,just DO NOT touch my gorilla.Young guy says ok.2 wks later,he's partying with friends."what's the harm in seeing the gorilla?"So he goes down to the basement,looks at the giant grunting beast.Then,he touches him.The gorilla goes NUTS,slamming the cage and screaming until the cage collapses.The guy takes off,jumps into the nearest convertable.He's driving at 30mph.,40mph.,60mph.,The gorilla is keeping up with him.He reaches 100mph,the gorilla tapped him on the arm"Tag,you're it!"

Answer 10

this joke may be inopropriate.

there was a man on a buisness trip and he comes accorss a prostitute. he asks how much for a handjob and she goes 50 dollars he goes alright give it to me, then she goes see that mercedes over there i got it by giving handjobs.. then again the guy comes past her again and he goes how much for a bj he goes 75 dollars, then she goes see that pier over there i bought it by giving bjs. then on the final day of his trip he asks how much for the whole package and she goes 500 dollars, then she goes see that island over there i would get that if i had a penis.