What should I do?

Question

I'm 23 yrs. old. My mom and I have been pretty close for the past few years until I got engaged to a wonderful man. My mom is a very over protective person. It seems as though she dosen't support the decisions I make for myself anymore. I am very responsable and pay my own bills, clothes, etc. There are times when she dosen't talk to me for days, when I try to talk about my wedding, which is not until 2008, she just changes the subject. My fiance and myself opened a savings account together to save for our wedding. When she found out she said I was very foolish and made a big mistake. I try so hard to talk to her about how I feel. But she dossen't want to hear it. She listens for a minute and walks away. Just recently we had an argument. I'm on my last thread and thinking about moving in with my fiance and his parents. But I don't know how to tell mom. What should I do?

Answer 1

why do u care wat she says???
i mean i know shes ur mom
but its YOUR LIFE... do wat u want too
do wat u think is rite
love jess

Answer 2

You do have a dilemma. Are you living with your mom? It sounds like you are.

She's probably feeling some angst at having you separate yourself from her, which is normal. What isn't normal is for her to refuse to speak to you for days. This is a form of control which she believes will bring you around to agreeing with her, on whatever point of contention you're currently dealing with.

It's commendable that you are responsible and pay for your own bills, clothes, etc. If you're living with your mom, however, you aren't really paying for all your bills. It would be better for you to have your own apartment rather than move in with your fiance. If you can't afford it, look for roommates to share expenses. You need the gift of learning the lessons that come from beiing fullly independent before marrying. Your fiance should also learn the lessons that come from true independence by not living with his parents, as well. Moving in together with your fiance in an apartment before marrying will not give you the opportunity to gain the wisdom that you need to gain separately. The lessons you will learn from being truly independent will enable you to be a successful couple with a marriage to match!

Living in your own apartment will eliminate the control your mother currently has over you. You don't need additional control/influence from your fiance or his parents, either. This is your time to spread your wings and discover life for yourself!

As far as her feeling that a joint savings account with your fiance is foolish, she does have a point. Your wedding is in 2008 which is two years away. Lots of things can happen in two years. What happens if you have an argument and he decides to make a withdrawal from the account or clean it out entirely?

I know when you are in love you don't think anything could possibly go awry, but putting your savings in an account with someone whom you have no legal safeguard is not the best decision. Why not set up separate savings accounts for your wedding and share your deposit slips with each other once a month? That way, you can track your financial progress without assuming risk.

My best wishes to you and may you have a truly happy life!

Answer 3

She's loosing her baby girl. Her 23 yr old doesnt need her anymore and she has no idea what to do with herself. Your mum sounds very insecure and needs to be reminded that although you and your fiance are going to spend the rest of your life together, she's still an important factor.
You are far from making a mistake, just flying the nest.
Ask your fiance' mum. Since she is in the same persision as your mum and may be able to give you some ideas.

Answer 4

That's tough. Sounds as if she doesn't want to let you go. It sounds as if you are being REALLY responsible. I think if you can you must confront her with this. Tell her how important it is to you that she is in your life and how much it hurts you that she is not happy for you/ supporting your decision. Ask if there is a reason that she has not told you about for her comments about it being a 'big mistake'. Tell her you have the opportunity to move in with your fiance now but would rather stay with her if you can both sort this out. Perhaps this reminds her of a bad decision she made in the past....

Answer 5

Been there done that. I agree with your mom on one thing it is a mistake to have a joint savings account unless you have it set up where no money can be withdrawn unless both of you are present. You could save indipendently of one another and pool it together in the end. Unfortunately your mom and I have lived awhile and we know alot can happen between now and then.
Mom is wanting to hold you close and she does not mean to hurt you but it is killing her. My mother did the same thing to me and I did it to my daughter. Step back, pull your thoughts together and write her a long letter and express how much she means to you and how much you value her opinion. In other words validate her opinion than explain how you feel and how much it hurts you when she ignors you and doesn't talk with you. Let her know you want to include her in your decission making and your life. Point out all the things that make your fiance so special and tell her you want to include and not exclude her in every aspect of your life but she has to allow you to live your life, make your own decisions and your own mistakes. Tell her to trust you and that she has two years to get to know her future son in law. Tell her how much it means to you to not only have her by your side but on your side. Put the letter where she will see it and leave home for the day go shopping out to lunch or whatever and when you go home be prepared to talk it out. Communication is the key and she will read all the things she is not willing to sit and listen to. Good luck.

Answer 6

Maybe your mom needs to spend more time with your fiance. That might help her understand that your girlfriend is a good person. Mothers have very good instincts!! but they can also be wrong. The only thing that can change that is getting closer to your girlfriend, let them both get involved with eachother, let your mom know that your girlfriend is part of your life and you want her to be part of your moms life. When your mom sees that your girlfriend really cares for her too everything will change. Your mom just wants to make sure you will be safe, and don't worry all moms are very protective, no matter how old you are!!

Answer 7

I understand your predicament. It's hard to deal with when a close family member disapproves of someone you really love. I suggest thinking very carefully about her motives for acting the way she is, just in case she's right. I'm sure she believes she has your best interests at heart. If you can't come to some kind of peace, however, then yes, I say move out. You pay your own bills and you are going to pay for the wedding, so she really has no right to stand in your way and make your life unpleasant. Spend some time really reflecting and trying to see her side, and if you can't, then you know what to do.

Answer 8

Maybe your mom is frightened at the thought of you moving out and getting married. After all she will be left with the "empty nest" feeling.
Try and explain that you still want to be friends with her and that you will stay in touch when the big day arrives.
Perhaps a break from her will do both of you good and make you realise what your relationship means to each other.
Good luck whatever you do.

Answer 9

You have to sit her down for a heart to heart and let her know how you feel. Ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness and can't worry about anyone else, not even your mother. It's hard hing to swallow, but that's life. If she wants to be stubborn and bullheaded, then there is not much you can do about it except move on without her. All relationships are about give and take, understanding, and love. Let her know that you love her, but she's hurting you. Congratulations on your engagement and I wish you and your fiance a lifetime of happiness.

P.S. Good luck with your mom (Remember you are responsible for your own happiness!)

Answer 10

You need to have a serious discussion with her, you need to sit her down and tell her that things will not get better unless you sort this out. Your not a kid, you are 23 years old. Myself and my fiance got engaged 5 years ago when i was 19 (were in no rush, our business and home is more important). My mother was not impressed and she still finds it hard to get on with him but she realises that i am 24 and i have to live my life.

Answer 11

You shouldn't move in with your fiance without being married. But moving out might be a good idea.
How to tell your mother? In English. You are mature and independent and don't need her to treat you like a child. (But be polite, though.)
A joint account may not be the best idea. Why don't you just save for each other?