Best Joke Wins!?

Question

Hey everyone send in the funniset joke, try not to make it too long, and the funniest one gets 10 points! The more you send, the more chance you have to win, too.

I mean the more jokes you send in your answer. Like you can put 2 jokes in one answer.

Answer 1

Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act.

Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed.

Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping.

Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife.

Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously ‘What ya doin dad?’ His father quickly replied,

‘I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.’

To which Little Johnny replied ‘What ya gonna do, screw him?’
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "What!" I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?"

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A black, hungry, thirsty tramp was looking for food in a rubbish bin, when suddenly he finds a can of Coke. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out. ‘You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them.’

‘OK, OK,’ and without hesitation he says, ‘first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.

Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

Answer 2

3 gay guys are sitting in a hot tub. A condom suddenly pops up. One gay guy says to the others, Hey who farted?


--------------------------
A lawyer from Virgina was on a business trip to Vegas. While there he thought he would pay a visit to a brothel. The man walked in and demanded that he had the most expensive woman. The clerk says okay, but she cost 5 grand a night, so the man goes ahead and gets with her anyway. The next night the same man went back to the same place and again paid the woman 5 grand. This went on for 5 days. Finally on the 5th day the woman ask the man why he keeps coming back when she is so expensive. The man says "Well I'm from Virgina", The woman replies, "Hey so am I", The man says "I know that's why I'm here. You see I am a Lawyer and your Great Uncle died and left you 25 grand!
The moral of this story is...
You are guaranteed 3 things in life
Death
Taxes
and getting scewed by a lawyer!

Answer 3

Joke Blonde and the Horse Message List

Reply | Forward | Delete Message #3086 of 4319 < Prev | Next >

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback
riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior
experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and
the horse immediately springs into action. As it
gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the
blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she
grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck,
but she slides down the side of the horse anyway !
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to
its' slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the
blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot
becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her
head is struck against the ground over and over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground and she
is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to
her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter,
sees her and unplugs the horse......
-------------------
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and
were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep.
Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic
pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump
off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian,
yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy
was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of
money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he
yells "Oh ****!"

---------------------------------
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can
have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride
agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has
been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He
explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in
the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But
what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf
balls, I sold them"

Answer 4

A farmer has three daughters, and they all have a date on the same night. To show the boys who's boss the farmer sits with his shotgun and waits for the door bell to ring. The door bell rings...

"Hi! I'm Joe, I'm here for Flow, we're going to the show is she ready to go?" The farmer thinks and lets his daugther go. He takes a seat...

The door bell rings...

"Hi! I'm Freddy, I'm here for Betty, were going to get Spaghetti is she ready?" The farmer thinks and he lets his daughter go. He takes a seat again.

The door bell rings...

The boys, "Hi! I'm Chuck!" The farmer shot him!

Here's another...
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head are stranded on an island ONE mile from land.

The brunette makes a swim for it, goes 1/4 the way and drowns.
The red head makes a swim for it, goes 1/3 the way and drowns.
The blonde makes a swim for it, goes 1/2 the way gets tired and swims back to the island!

Disclaimer: Neither of these jokes are my own, I just heard them and thought they were funny. I, the messenger, do not necessarily hold the opinions and views stated in the above.

Answer 5

Yo mammas so ugly she went in a haunted house and came out with an application,and why did the cow cross the road he was tied to the chicken,yo mammas so poor when someone steped on a cigerette in the road she said who tured of the heat,why do squirrels always sit on telephone poles because they want to stay awawy from the nuts on the bottem.

Answer 6

The Pope vs. Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.

The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Answer 7

What does a grocery bag and Michael Jackson have in common?

They are both white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with!

Answer 8

a guy walked into a bar and said ouch. a pig walked into a store to have a toilet. all they had was a musical toilet so he bought one. the next day he came back complaining the first time i sat on my toilet it sang do you see what i see? what do you call a dead baby w/o arms and legs in a pool? Bob. What do you call a dead baby w/o arms and legs on your doorstep?Matt

Answer 9

A German scientist, an American scientist and a polish scientist were working on an experiment. The german scientist put a fly in a Petri dish and pulled its back legs off and said “fly, fly”. They fly flew around the room and back onto the dish. he writes in his book “fly’s can fly without their back legs”.

The American scientist pulls the front legs off of the fly and says “fly, fly”. They fly flies around the room and lands back on the dish. he writes in his book “fly’s can fly without any legs”.

The polish scientist pulls fly’s wings off and says “fly, fly”…” FLY, FLY”. He stands there for a minute and then writes in his notebook “flies cannot hear with out their wings”.

Answer 10

Why did the farmer cross the road?






Because his d!ck was stuck in the chicken.
By the way, you can only answer a question once, dear.