Mother in law trying to get me to completely change the WEDDING!!! Says she won't go unless it's her way.

Question

I am 24 years old and paying for my own wedding. My fiance and I live in AZ but are orginally from TX. I'm from Austin, and he's from a small town, Taylor. His ENTIRE family lives there other than his brother and parents who live in AZ as well. My fiance and I found that it would cost us no less than 15k to be married in Austin. We've decided to get married in Maui, where we could also stay for our honeymoon. His parents say they can't afford to go, so does his brother and his wife (which is a whole other can of worms not to mention a lie) Maui is what we've decided to do. His mother wants us to get married in his home town, and probably have the ceremony in a VA hall which is not the wedding I have been planning since I was a little girl. My family AND friends can all afford to go. His mother tells me this isn't fair, yet her and her husband fly back and forth to TX almost every three months. OH, the biggest deal yet, she doesn't want to pay for ANYTHING. What do I do?

My fiance supports me 100%, we've offered to pay her way, thats not good enough, I'm even letting MY DAY be taking away by getting married by the justice of the peace the day before we leave for Maui just so she can see her son get married, never mind how the Bride's family feels about this. THAT is a sacrifice. We've also played with the idea of having a reception in TX, I think thats a wonderful idea. It's like I don't have enough room to tell you how insanely selfish this woman is. We had lunch last week where I tried to explain why we were doing the wedding this way and she wanted to hear none of it. Simple fact is, she wants me to pay for a wedding in their small podunk town so his ENTIRE family can attend. Again, they are paying for nothing. Nodda. I don't want to have problems in the future, but who can help me tell her she's not getting her way.

Answer 1

Looks like she wont be able to come then. This is your wedding, the final descion that is made should be yours and your husbands.

Answer 2

I can understand not wanting to have a wedding in a VA hall... but really, Maui? How far in advance are you letting them know? Maybe what they mean by "can't afford" is that they already have a budget and Maui doesn't fit into it. You can get married in Ausitn for under 15k. Besides, there's a million places that are more beautiful in Tx than Austin. Have you checked Galveston out? Then again, if your heart is set on Maui, then that's what you should do. But you should realize that not everyone will be able to go there. So, pretty much, it's either location or family. Sounds like for you, that's an easy choice.

Answer 3

I'm gonna be honest with you I didn't read the second half of what you wrote. I read up to the part where your fiance has your back.

Now let me see if I got this straight Its YOUR wedding that YOUR paying for AND you were going to fly her out to Maui to go and she says no? Not to mention that you have the support of your fiance? Honey, that's what I call a no brainier.

Let me break it down for you. First, she is not able to control your wedding if its not in her neck of the woods. She has no right to say that about you at all. If they were paying for the wedding it would be another can of worms all together however, they are not. If they are that pressed about attending bring a cyber cam to the beach and they can watch the ceremony on there computer. Look at how much money that saved them they didn't even have to buy new clothes!

In short do what you two want for YOUR wedding and be very grateful that she lives as far away as she does. Also if you don't start standing up for your self now with her IT WILL GET WORSE. As long as you have the support of your fiance you are doing OK. Best wishes and good luck!

Answer 4

Take a deep breath and relax.

Think about it this way - while it is not the intention, it appears that your plan deliberately leaves out his side of the family based on financial prosperity. Is this how you want to start your life together?

Find some sort of compromise. Sit down with his parents and explain that this wedding is your dream. Then have a party/reception in his hometown to celebrate your wedding when you get back from Maui. Tell them you'll split the costs, but that is the only way you can afford to have the reception.

Be calm and understand that this is their child and they don't want to miss his getting married. It is natural for a parent to be upset if money prevents this from happening.

Good luck. Remember - this should be the happiest day of your life, so far.

Answer 5

Marry in Maui as planned, but you can also consider having either the religious ceremony or the legal marriage licensing in TX. Thay way, you can still please BOTH you and your future-in-law's. You can have a smaller, informal party in TX to celebrate getting the marriage license. You can tell her that due to the fact that all of the wedding budget have gone to your Hawaii wedding, the party in TX should be rather intimate and informal. You can include her and ask for her assistance into putting together a small and informal wedding reception. You can do something ourdoors and have an informal setting where there won;t be alot of money spent and you can include your soon-to-be husbands family. In TX is should not very expensive to throw an informal wedding and since your MILhas her mind set on this, then you can enroll her help arranging for this small affair.
Good luck

Answer 6

If you're having a reception/open house in TX, you could do a simple ring ceremony there (not the actual wedding but a re-enactment for those who missed it in Maui). If you're not doing that, then I guess your mother-in-law can't attend. She's not helping with the wedding in any way (monetary help or otherwise). So buying her a plane ticket wouldn't be fair to the rest of your family.

My other idea is that you make sure someone records the wedding. Then your m-i-l can see it too (even though it'd be after the wedding when she actually saw it).

I don't have any other ideas but I hope you find something that helps.

Answer 7

Hi and CONGRATULATIONS!, aside from this whole issue, I'm sure you're both extremely excited!. I suggest you try and have your fiance talk to his parents, it is really best for him to deal with this, since he knows them much better than you do, and also because you don't really want to get all worked up in an argument (family arguments are completely different, and even if you're about to become family, it really isn't the same). Try to see if they can pitch in with some of the cost of the trip, and perhaps you two can help complete the rest (you guys can buy the tickets and all to try and find the cheapest price possible, try doing a lot of price searching!), or tell them than them being present at your wedding would be gift enough, so they won't think that they have to give you a gift plus spend however much it would cost to attend.

Ultimately, the ones who should feel bad should be them, I know that all your loved ones being there really matter to you both, but sometimes you have to chose between what you would really like, and what you've been dreaming about!, and remember, you only have one wedding!, and that's what you should consider the most, above all, both of your wishes should be met!.

Best of luck!! ^_^

Melissa T.

http://www.kisstheenvelope.com

Answer 8

I had a destination wedding also and my mother-in-law didn't come either, but we offered to pay for the ticket and we actually purchased it, so ended up wasting our money. You could try offering to pay for the cost of only their tickets and see what happens. Make sure you try for a time when it's less expensive maybe they really can't afford it. Get a group rate at the hotel you are staying at, ask for whoever is in charge of Group Reservations and see what they can offer you. You are going to get some people who don't want to go away, maybe you can plan a small local thing when you get back home. Something less expensive maybe like an evening cocktail party with music. Hope everything works out and you forgive them even if they can't make it. Which is kind of hard to do because it's a special moment in your lives. I'm still rather disappointed and so is my husband that my mother in law didn't go. She is not an easy person to deal with, maybe that is your situation also.

Oh, I also forgot to say that I can tell she regrets not going and apologized for that.

Answer 9

Where does your husband to be fit in the picture - are you paying and battling this all on your own? You truly have a 'situation' here, and it seems no matter what you do, someone will not be happy.
Sometimes, one has to 'negotiate and compromise' a bit, especially in a case like this, as you are making a lifetime-consequence decision., and it will come back and haunt you - you marry not only the man, but his family - it is a package deal, and you can't deny his family to him.
Why not revisit your situation, and see if you can compromise somewhere, and whatever decision you make, has to incorporate,you, your fiance, and both families. If not, you´re in for a lifetime of 'small incidents.... that will eventually add to a total that is much larger than all the ´small´ parts!
If all else fails, go to Vegas, marry, and on to your honeymoon in Maui. Good luck

Answer 10

Your whole married life will be fighting this woman. Stick to your guns. Stand up for yourself now. As you are paying for your own wedding, you have the right to do it how you want. You have offered to buy her a ticket, it is up to her if she decides to come or not. Do not get married by the justice of the peace prior to your wedding since that is so unsavory to you.
If she says she won't be there, simply say "I am so sorry to hear that, our day truly will not be the same without you there" end of story.
If you want a reception latter in mom's town by all means, ask her to help you plan it, otherwise just leave it as is.
Don't sacrifice your day because she wants to be in charge. I had a similar situation and I took a long time for me to get on equal footing with my MIL. As long as your man supports you, the battle is won. Don't look back and regret your wedding day to satisfy her. If she really cares about seeing her son get married, she will show up anyway. Otherwise she cares more about being able to complain that you didn't do it her way than the actual wedding. Honestly it is about you and your future hubby not her. She is having trouble letting go of her son (my MIL was the worst at this time, same thing I will not come to the wedding if it is not done my way) I finally realized it was not me, she would have acted the same to any future daughter in law, she did not want to let go of her control of her son. Some times they need to be forced to realize it is not their place to make these decisions.

Answer 11

This is your day. do what you and your future husband have planned give her a ticket and then go if she does not show then don't worry over it anymore because it then becomes solely her problem. If it was my child i would go to the end of the world to see him happy on his special day. If she is so selfish as to not want to even compromise, then DON'T. Have your beautiful wedding in Maui, this is a day for the two of you to remember for a life time don't let her ruin that. And make sure your husband to be understands this and feels the same way. And it might help for him to tell her all this so you don't seem to be the only evil one .

Good luck and best wishes