How do you handle an uncontrollable 3 year old?

Question

I have a 3 year old that is getting out of control. I have tried to be patient with him, I have tried spanking & timeouts. Nothing is working. I am a single mother and he is no longer seeing his father. Do you have any suggestions to help before I lose my mind??

Answer 1

It sounds like he is very angry because his world has been turned upside down. He probably misses his father and does not understand why he no longer sees him. Is there good reason why he no longer sees his father (abuse, neglect, his father does not want to be a part of his life)? If so, give him lots of extra love and support. Empathize with his feelings. Is it possible for him to write letters (with your help) to his father? This may help him to sort out his feelings.

Stop using time outs and spankings. They only cause resentment, anger, and are shaming to a child. They are a way for you to control your child but not a way for a child to learn self-control. Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. If he hits you, you don't want to play with him. If he damages something in the home, money comes out of his piggy bank or he earns money doing things around the house to pay for the damages. Let the punishment fit the crime.

Another technique you can try when he is misbehaving is this. As soon as he misbehaves, get down to his level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why)." Take him gently by the hand and put him in a spot in your home (his room, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (listen, stop, behave) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he's ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spots a few times before he gets the message. Thank him when he behaves. Keep it up!

You can also give him a place to scream or something to hit (a pillow). Take him to this place when he starts up and say "You can (scream, hit) this. Come back when you're finished." Also let him know that you do not want to be around him when he does this.

Find ways to help him learn to express himself instead of lashing out. Say things like "I can tell that you are (upset, angry, mad, hurt, frustrated). What can we do about that?"

Notice him when he is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 2

I have the same problem. They tell me "be consistent" with time-outs, don't let him have everything he wants, and that he just wants attention, good or bad, so overemphasize when he does something good. Sounds great in theory but its not easy to practice.

My best suggestion is call your insurance company (even state programs have it available) and get a referral for a psychologist/child therapist. You could also talk to your son's pediatrictian (though i didn't get very far with them) and see what reccomendations they can make. I hate therapists but i couldn't take it anymore, i was afraid he was going to end up hurting himself or someone else. I know it sounds a little hokey to take a 3 yr old to therapy, but its better to get these problems taken care of early on - before they hit kindergarden and start getting a record that follows them throughout their whole academic life. Plus, they will help YOU get some support. No one is going to think any less of you - they'll be glad that you care enough about your kid to realize that things aren't the way they should be.

Answer 3

You have to be consistent with whatever punishment you use. Spanking a child does not cause shame to a child. They don't grow up to be murders or on drugs. Now if you abuse a child, thats a different story.
Most children run wild because the parent let them do whatever they want to do as a toddler, and you have to stop that behavior while they are babies.
Don't let your children control you. My children recieve spanking and they are not scared of me, we talk about everything, they make good grades, and love to play with there friends. You have to talk to them about why they are getting the punishment, whatever that punishment may be.
My son is in Karate, and he is getting to the point where the spanking does't hurt him. So now i have to take things away from him and he has to earn it back or i ask him what he thinks his punishment should be.
I hate to see parents stuggling with little children in public. Do not reason with the child. Stop that behavior right then and there. If you don't do anything, they are going to do it everytime.

Answer 4

You have to stay in control of yourself first of all. Consistency is big. Also, instead of putting the child in time out for undesirable behavior, put the child's favorite things in time out instead. Explain not only what is not acceptable behavior, but what is expected instead. PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE any and all good behaviors immediately when they occur. Maybe even go a bit overboard at first. I know being a single parent it may be hard to find some real quality time together, but he is probably needing some extra attention right now and doing things you BOTH enjoy may help also. I'm getting my degree in this stuff and I work in the field....I hope this helps and good luck!!!

Answer 5

from personal experience. if you talk with your child often, then you probably need to find a way to relay the message of why he doesn't see his father. you would do that because if he has to think his own thought, it might not turn out too good, and it may make his behavior worsen. what you have to realize is that even though he is three, he is clearly going through the motions like an adult..because he is HUMAN. you should continue to discipline, because you don't want to send the message that when you go through something, it is okay to act a fool, but have more patience, and try to understand your child. after all you are his mother, if you don't understand him, who will?

Answer 6

Lose your mind later on, but gain control of YOUR child now...before it is too late!
YES...by all means, spank his bottom; tear it the fu** up!
So what if his father is not around!?
He has YOU!
Lady...the world is depending on YOU to raise YOUR child up right!
Quit being a sap, a whiner, and a complainer!
Whipping his little a** now will keep him off of the FBI's MOST WANTED LIST later on!

Answer 7

DONT spank. He is obviously in need of his father. Therefore, since he is not available, you will have to supply that part. By hugging him more, paying more attention to him. Look for activities appropriate for his age to keep him busy at the same time he is learning.
Look for books for him to read, puzzles, construction blocks.

DONT SPANK!

Answer 8

find out what he likes and make sure you make this known to him why you're taking this likes away let him know that its because his not being a very good listener and he will get his things back when he is being a better listener to his mommy and other grown ups , reward him when he does something good and let him know that is the behavior you expect from him , be an example for him every day , good luck

Answer 9

They go through phases, but they are little people perhaps his problem is that he isn't seeing his father any more and that is bothering him. My son went through this kind of phase throwing temper tantrums and what not, so I started throwing his toys away. I have only actually done it ONE time but that was enough now he listens. give it a try?

Answer 10

I feel a little spanking and punishment work every time.