My daughter dresses very strangely and it is embarassing and need suggestions and advice to have her change?!!

Question

My 16 year old daughter dresses in baggy pants and wears alot of black t-shirts and I wish she would change the way she dresses. She is becoming a "know-it-all" as well and doesn't listen to me about her grades at school and hangs around a bunch of thugs who have no ambition in life and I am sure they are doing drugs. She tells me I can drug test her at any time and she knows how I feel about drug users since I used to be in the crime fighting biz. I am divorced and my daughter lives with my ex wife that allows my daughter to do what ever she wants and I try to encourage my ex to put her foot down and send our daughter over to live with me for a while or atleast the summer but I am open for any advice to straighten out my daughter?!!! I was thinking that she would outgrow the way she dresses by now but it hasn't happend. I have also hired tutors for her to improve her grades at school but she is not responding.

I was living in Key West Florida for many years and my daughter was upset because I was never around for her so I decided to move up to St Louis Missery to build a better relationship with her but I am thinking it was too late. I have tried encouraging her and only told her that she needs to dress better at school to gain respect from her teachers or when she is going to try applying for a volunteer job or even a regular paying job. She dressed strangely when I brought her into a volunteer organization for Wildlife Rescue and me and the Wildlife Center Education Director just shook our heads and never confronted her about her dress but it is something she needs to learn and I dont know how to approach her without hurting her feelings?She is a beautiful young lady but dresses like such a loser like her firends.I am trying to persuade my ex wife to sell her house and move somewhere else in the USA and I am seeing some light but I think it should be sooner than later for her to move.

I have never hit or spanked my daughter and at this stage in her life I believe that would be stupid to even try. I have always tried talking to her about how important it is to achieve the highest possible grades and not to have an attitude at school with the teachers. I want only what is best for her but I am lost for ideas.I tried getting her interested in activities and she was into Tae Kwon Do and doing great but she suffered injuries that prevent her from certain physical activities and sports. I tried taking her camping on Father's Day weekend but she blew me off and was nowhere to be found.So much for paying for her Sprint Cell phone...I never can reach her and only her voice mail.I always give her praise and tell her she is beautiful but nothing I do seems to work and my main concern is her school progress and her choice of friends and the way she dresses does concern me because teachers will look down on her and she can't seem to grasp this into reality.

Answer 1

When you say she is a "know it all", you have a normal teenager.

Drugs, grades, and concern about the friends she is hanging out with are very reasonable concerns. You should be asking questions about those things and trying to steer her in the right direction. When it comes to dressing, I think she is just expressing herself during the last time in her life when clothes really doesn't matter. Young people in every era dressed inappropriately and eventually became successful and contributing members of society.

If she was dressing in a sexually suggestive manner, I would talk about how women, right or wrong, who dress that way are targeted and are vulnerable. It doesn't seem to be the case here. Pick your battles.

Focus on the stuff that matters: her education, her future, and her dreams. Talk to her about her interests and really listen. You should work on the communication skills and build up her trust. Invite her friends over and see if you can meet their parents. As parent you have the right to know who she runs with. You may find that those kids who look like losers, but may be just bored kids.

She will never say it, but she will appreciate guidence and parental expections and limitations. She may be acting out because her mother has no limits.

Positive reinforcement works better than negative reinforcement. The more you know about your daughter the more you can guide her and find a mentor for her. She may be writing poetry or interested topics you weren't aware of.

All she may need is someone to take interest in her and let her know all that life has to offer. She may not seem to be responding because she may feel you do not know her enough to be lecturing her. Don't get discouraged. Don't give up on her, you will eventually get through.

Answer 2

Your problem tugs at the heart. I think your daughter is simply thinking it is cool to be the way she is. Its not cool though. It appears that you are trying too hard to impress upon her what is good for her and also you are trying to show too much concern. She is a product of a broken family - so dont forget that there is some kind of pain inside of her. Besides, she is immature and cannot think of her future right now. I think that you should play it cool for a while, and pay a little less attention towards her. I mean, if she knows you always call her on a certain day at a certain time or some such thing, then dont do it for a couple of times. She will start wondering why. You know, most children seek what they dont have. A little less attention will shake her a bit, even if she does not confess it. Try this for some time, and be normal when you get to talk to her. Also dont give her the usual sermons about dressing and grades. When parents continue to say things that children purposefully reject, there is a definite sense of defiance and that defiance can magnify just so that they can prove a point to you - but in the bargain, they lose and it becomes painful for all concerned.

Answer 3

Your daughter is not going through anything that a normal teenager goes through. The clothes will change over time, I wouldn't make an issue out of it, with teenagers you really need to pick your battles, it can't be about everything, just the more important things. I would take her in for that drug test so you can know what you are dealing with. Just keep talking to her, not lecturing, about choices and paths in life, some of it will sink in, some will go in one ear and out the other, another teenage trait! Parenting a teen is way harder than you can imagine, there's no prep and one day they turn around and you're like who is this??? It will pass I promise, communication is the key, keep it open and keep talking. Take action when it is called for, if the drug test is clear it would be a load off your mind. You can walk into any drug testing place and the cost is around $25 they test for most drugs and you can add to the list if you want, results are within 48 hours. There should be consequences for bad grades, and I would monthly drug test so she knows you mean business. You sound like a very caring dad, just keep letting her know you're there for her no matter what!

Answer 4

You know as well as I do when we were kids it was the people we run around with that made us the way we were. I think if you can keep her away from some of the people that she runs around with then I think some of it will stop. Dont fuss at her about it b/c that will make her want to do it more. Be supportive of her and make sure she knows that you love her and care about her. There is a special bond between a daughter and her dad. Just dont break that. Even though she lives with your ex, Be a farther and put your foot down. I know it is hard b/c you look like the bad parent but she will thank you later in life. Just be strong and be the best farther you can be and everything will be just fine. Remember, just think back to when you were that age and try to fix it how it would have fix you. Good luck bro. Need anything you can email me.

Answer 5

As your daughter only 17 I presume it will be a long time before she thinks of starting a family. I would recommend the Implant IMPLANON. Unlike the pill she doesn't have to remember every day, also unlike the pill if she has sickness and or diarrhoea the implant will still work. Also less risk of Deep Vein Thrombosis and breast cancer. If she goes to her local Family Planning clinic they will do this free of charge and also talk her through options if she does not fancy this one. Your daughter sounds very sensible but being young they often forget that pregnancy is not the only worry try and get her and the boyfriend together and explain about the need for also using condoms as a secondary method of birth control and a deterrent against STD's.

Answer 6

My mom bought my clothes and she would have never bought anything she didn't find appropriate. Your first thing is to get your ex to cooperate with you. If you can't, try to get custody of your daughter. Is your ex a unfit mother? The know-it-all is a typical teen. My dad would have beat me senseless, but my dad was also abusive, but I didn't argue with him. You may get locked up for spanking her now days though. I went through that phase when my parents got divorced, and I turned out okay. I also would wear shorts cut off at my butt and things like that. I also had my older sisters giving me advice and I would pick and choose the advice they gave me. I have only been to jail once and that was when I was 15. I was arrested for smoking a cigarette. All you can do is try to talk to her and tell her where your coming from. Maybe take her places to find out what she wants to do with her life. Take her to prison also and show her how fun that is and tell her if she continues on this path, she may end up there. Which is true. I would also drug test her and if she fails, then take your ex to court. You will have grounds to take custody. Hope any of this helped.

Answer 7

She is doing this for attention. First of all, your ex wife needs to act like a damn parent. I wouldn't let my kid out of the house dressing like that. You have to start from day 1. You can't just get it across to them now, all of a sudden. My daughter is 15. She would no more dress like that then act like your daughter does. I'm not judging you. You can't control what happens because she doesn't live with you. I think she would stand a better chance living with you though. I think you would be the parent to not put up with this kind of behavior. YOU need to sit down and talk to her. Let her say whatever is on her mind. Just listen to her. I feel bad for you, I know you are trying. Just be there for her and try to talk to her. Ask her is she wants to live with you but don't put any pressure on her about it. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you two.

Answer 8

I think you need to pick your battles, and it seems that you have many. Her clothes are the least of your worries right now. Even though she doesn't live with you, you can still be a positive influence in her life. Let her know that you love her, no matter what she looks like, and that you want her to be happy and healthy, inside and out. She may be dressing and acting like this because she isn't comfortable with who she really is. That may also be the reason for her choice in friends. Maybe the 2 of you can go to family counseling, together and individually. A therapist can help your daughter deal with her issues, and can help you to be a better parent and help your daughter.

Answer 9

hmm....16, divorced, no parental control from mum? You do have a problem....
Not that she's gonna turn out bad, coz she won't - but have you sat down with the ex and devised a plan TOGETHER? It's not about the 2 of you, it's about her and what you BOTH need to do for her. Obviously she "knows it all," she's 16! That will pass with age, as I am certain will the other stuff but in the meantime, you and the ex need to join forces, be patient, and talk to your kid - don't demand, don't threaten - treat her the way you would like to be treated - you may be surprised.

Answer 10

she needs a good ole fashion kick in the azz. when i was ten i got my azzed kicked everyday and hey here i am on the way to becoming a lawyer. if she doesn't respond the nice way then it's to the high way for you. if i were you i'd sit her down and tell her that if she doesn't shape up that things are gonna dramatically change. make sure you do not knock her appearance though cause when you do that "you arent gonna understand" her and what she is feeling later on when you see some changes then you can rag on her clothes or buy her new ones like hey dont' you feel better in this then those ragged ole clothes.