My teens won't hear me talk - "Quit bitsching & yelling mom!"?

Question

How do you get through to a teen, when you need to lecture them or your try to calmly talk to them, their defensive response is: "Quit yelling at me!" Example" My teen has been harrassed at school by bullies. She is a bully herself. She dresses like a bully. My 1 rule is no red. (I chose my battles) So she wears black, but it makes her look hard, the school and I have told her this. She doesnt think its a problem, but when I look at her I tell her it gives me the impression, "come on- mess with me. She says she wants to change but when I try and talk to her its the "Quit bitching!" My other teens do the same thing, when I talk about school or homework, its "Stop! Your being annoying!" I could be in the most monotone voice and they still think I am yelling. How do you let kids hear the importance of our lectures? Any ideas? I feel like they don't respect me when they cut or shut me off! I know they are teens and its typical, BUT they still need to listen to me with respect.

The red is a safety issue, now the black is becoming a safety issue. I told her I am chosing my battles. It is her choice to change herself. It is just my opinion, because I care.

Answer 1

First of all, stop bitching and raising your voice. Start talking to her like she's an adult, capable of providing valued input and deserving of respect. She'll listen better that way and you can head off a war.

2. Great book, How to Talk so Your Teens Will Listen. Get it

3. If she says she wants to change something (like how she dresses) instead of talking, take action. Get her some fashion magazines, enlist her friends. Take her shopping. It may be wise to shop with other teen girls because their input will matter to her more than yours.

4. Paul Rosemond writes the best parenting books, if you can find them. But in a short nutshell. Their responsibilities are THEIR job. Stop asking. But.....
oh..and devious parenting is fun too....... There are consequences for responsibilities not done.

Consequences are really important when teaching kids correct behavior at any age. With teenagers, consequences and leverage are about the only things that work.

For example, I expect the bathroom to be cleaned by Friday, to my standards (each kid has their own in my house). They know this. So..what do you do when this doesn't happen?
Parental options:
You can be direct and ground them (grounding sucks and is hard to do).
You can take away stuff (you lose the phone, tv, etc.)

More effective:
You can't leave the house until it is done (will still probably get you a confrontation...but...if you hold firm, it works)

And my favorite -
Oh..you want a drive to the mall? Is the bathroom done? Oh..I'm sorry, can't do that until the bathroom is done.

If they stall it becomes...."well I had the time to drive you an hour ago, but you weren't ready."

Get the idea?

I did that when they were little with a technique known as foreshadowing, you can do this with older kids too. It works like this "we can go to the mall as soon as the house is clean. Let's get busy." (make sure they are clear on what their part is)

5. Homework. It's their job and their responsibility so stop asking. But....a child who is not doing well enough in school has too many distractions. So maybe if the homework isn't happening or test scores are low, you need to remove distractions like.
..access to the car (it is a bad idea to give a kid their own car..access to one you have for their use is different..it hs to do with control),
...maybe their computer needs to be locked up, or off the Internet. You can buy timers for any electrical device that limits their time. I've even seen one device that takes tokens the child has to EARN.
... same goes for any other device, gaming, television and phones

Kids who don't listen are often over-indulged. They really don't need everything and you do them no favor by giving them everything. Things have more value if earned.
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Lectures are not important and as you have found out, they don't listen. Did you when your parents did it? Discussion, which means you listen too, matters. Learn to ask questions to get their point of view. You can also ask leading questions that get them to GIVE the answer you want them to hear. When they reach the conclusion themselves, they get it.

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Respect can only be earned. Obedience can be demanded. Fear can be created, but to GET respect, you must give it first. Many parents don't get this one.

How do you get respect?
Well..your word is everything. Make a promise, keep it.
Set boundaries and limits (otherwise known as rules) and make clear the consequences of breaking those limits.
Do not fail to deliver consequences. Otherwise your limits are meaningless and you have effectively broken a promise.

Kids do well when they know what to expect. It is normal for them to test you, and they will test more if they aren't used to a firm line.

You may also do well by either finding a parenting class for parents of teens OR a good family therapist. The advantage of a therapist is that you may learn to better communicate with each other. As to parenting classes, I'd look for one that is NOT religiously based. In my experience, religiously based classes preach, not teach and offer up techniques that are less effective.
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Your goal is to teach your kids some important life lessons. After all, they will soon be living on their own.
- They need to learn to work for what they want. Spoiling them runs counter to this lesson.
- They need to learn to manage their own time and money. (BTW..if you are still waking them in the mroning..stop that!)
- They need to learn basic life skills, like how to get and hold a job, how to cook, do their own laundry, etc.

Oh and on the wardrobe thing...give her $200 and tell her to go buy new clothes..anything black goes back.

Then say..you can keep some black stuff (and let her pick the pieces)..maybe you set a percentage or limit on how much, but the rest goes to good will.

Then the matter is handled. The only way she can go back to all black is to work a job and use her own cash. And if she does that...let her. She is making a choice with her own money and that's a good lesson.

She's bully because that's how she's learned to command respect. Again..that confusion between respect and fear. She's getting fear, but she thinks that is respect.

Guess where she learned that? You....

Answer 2

I know someone who was having the same problem. She left a note under her daughter's pillow saying: When you're ready to talk to me I am always here to listen. Or you can write anything down you want on a note and put it under my pillow, and I will answer the same way.
They have resolved many crises in her daughter's life this way because her daughter doesn't feel threatened or "nagged". (I'm sure you're not nagging but isn't that how we all felt as teenagers).

Answer 3

Sounds like you need a male around to knock some sense into them.

Answer 4

hiiiiiii
HOwz life
I have left the job after completing 1 yr with the company
Now i have started preparing for CAT

Answer 5

red pretty good

Answer 6

smack em' i learned