tell me a joke that will laugh me out?

Question

no details

Answer 1

Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F__k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Answer 2

Learning language is the most complicated task a child will undertake in growing up—in fact, it may be the most complex learning task of our lives. How do we do it? By listening and guessing at what we hear. That means that as we learn our native language, many of our guesses will miss their mark and the results can be hilarious.

Kids and Proverbs

Once children master the basics of their native language (usually by the age of 6), the job of learning idioms, proverbs, and the like still lies ahead of them. Here are some answers from children who were tested for their knowledge of English proverbs by giving them the first part of the proverbs and asking the children to finish them—or at least so we are told.
Don't change horses . . . until they stop running.
Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
No news is . . . impossible.
A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new . . . math.
Where there's smoke there's . . . pollution.
Happy is the bride who . . . gets lots of presents.
Love all, trust . . . me.
The pen is mightier than the . . . pigs.
Two's company, three's . . . the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and . . . you have to blow your nose.
A penny saved is . . . not much.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . stink in the morning.
An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
Strike while the . . . bug is close.
It's always darkest before . . . Daylight Saving Time.
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

In Church

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
A child came back from Sunday School, and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear".
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The epistles were the wives of the apostles ...
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage ...
Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Around the Family

Rob Chaney recently wrote that his son asked if a cemetary is where dead people live.
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I can recall when my baby sister implored my father not to turn out the lights in her room because she couldn't see how to go to sleep in the dark.
She was about the same age when, in answer to the question of whether she knew what the stripe down the middle of the road was for, she replied, "For bicycles."
But it was my son, around the age of 4 who came running into the kitchen out of breath and announced, "There's a tree-knocker in our backyard!" We all knew exactly what he meant even without hearing the pecking on the wood (Dr. Goodword)
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"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard him tell Mommy," the little boy answered, "that he would climb the walls if you came to visit."
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When his grandmother visited, 2-year-old Kevin saw that she would cater to his every whim. His mother commented that his grandmother was "a real pushover." The next morning when Kevin's mother asked him what he wanted to do that day he said, "Well, let's go downstairs and push over Grandma!"
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A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
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A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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My home was filled with lots of antiques. When my grandson was growing up I would tell him not to touch certain things because they were antiques. One day when he was about 4 years old, he looked me and asked, "Well who is Aunt Teak and when am i going to meet her?"

In School

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
A myth is a female moth.
The Sciences
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"The body consists of three parts—the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five: a, e, i, o and u."

Question-Answer

Q - Name the four seasons.
A - Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q - What does "varicose" mean?
A - Nearby.
Q - Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A - Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q - What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A - If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q - What happens to your body as you age?
A - When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q - What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A - He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q - What is the fibula?
A - A small lie.
Q - Give the meaning of the term "caesarian section."
A - The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q - What is a terminal illness?
A - When you are sick at the airport.
Q - What does the word "benign" mean?
A - Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Answer 3

a sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of
smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my
life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie
says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those
two back in the office after lunch."

Answer 4

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say's hello.

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my *** with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said "no, I'm your son?s math teacher."

Answer 5

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
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The Good Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
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A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw
three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"

Answer 6

how many babies does it take to paint a wall?

it depends on how hard you throw them.


whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ceiling fan?

i don't have a ceiling fan in my basement.


what do you call 4 mexicans pushing a car up a street?

grand theft auto.


a black and a mexican are in a car, but who's driving?

the cop.


hope you liked them all, i still laugh every time i hear them ;-).

Answer 7

i didnt remember it very well cuz it wuz a loooong time ago but it went kinda like a pencil a pickle and a penis were sitting in a room talking about their lives, the pencil says my life sucks people are always sharping my head and rubbing my *** off, the pickle says no my life sucks people take me away when im little put me in a bucket of vinegar for years then they eat me...the penis then says you two think your life is bad my master wakes me up out of a dead sleep puts me in a bag throws me in a dark room and beats my head against the wall till i puke...lol...i loved it when i was younger...

Answer 8

Why doesn't a witch wear panties?

To get a better grip on her broom.

Answer 9

What has eyes and cant see a bit ?

Answer 10

what does michael jackson and caviar have in common ????
they both come on little white crackers....
hahahahahahaha....