I need a Good Rude Joke to tell as the ones i know are crap. Any Suggestions?

Question

Anyone please help

Answer 1

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A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your a**, didn't it?'''
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A woman went to the doctor's and complained of being really sore.
"Do you have any idea why?"
"Well, I had sex with an elephant!"
"You did? But elephants are known to have small penises!"
"Yeah, but he fingered me first."
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What do electric trainsets and women's breasts have in common?
They were both originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them.

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A husband and wife were having some problems in bed, so the wife decides to got to a sex shop and buy some of those crotchless panties. She got up on the bed with nothing else on when her husband came home.
"Hey, honey," she said. "Don't you want some of this?"

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Look what it did to those panties."
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick
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So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers."
The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers."

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."
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This newlywed couple is in bed and the man rolls over and taps his wife on the shoulder.
The wife says, "I can't honey, I'm going to the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh."
The man understands and rolls back over and says to his wife, "are you going to the dentist?"
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A man and a woman meet in a hospital donation clinic.
The man says to the woman, "What are you here to give?"

She says, "I'm here to give blood. I get paid $5."

The man says, "Oh, I'm here to donate sperm, I get paid $25!" A couple of weeks later they meet again in the clinic.

The man says, "Hi there! Are you here to give blood again?"

The woman puffs her cheeks out and shakes her head.
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will that do or would you like some more

Answer 2

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

Willys cynical thought for the day;

I am NOT rude. It's just that you are an insignificant piece of sh*t!

Willys cynical thought for the day;

True fact; If sh*t had wings we'd all be changing windshield wipers a lot more often!

Willys cynical thought for the day;

It's just another day, my nose is running and my feet smell!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

Answer 3

little boy disturbs parents having sex,mum on top.he asks what they are doing.
mum says dad has a big tummy so i get on top to flatten it. boy says u r wasting ur time when u are out the lady next door gets down on her knees and blows it up again.

Answer 4

Man goes into chemist and asks for condoms. The Shop keeper asks what size. I dont know said the bloke. "shove it on the counter" says the assistant, rubs her hand over the willy and says "size three condoms please sheila".

17 year old boy goes in same chemist for condoms. She asks him what size and he doesnt know. "shove it on the counter" says the assistant. She rubs her hand over the willy and shouts "give us a packet of tissues sheila"

Answer 5

how about this you give me 10 pts. and ill give you any rude joke you want and trust me im the man with the jokes!! e-mail me!

Answer 6

why doesn't the Lurpak man get any action with the ladies? Because he has a knob of butter! But he can blow his own trombone

Answer 7

Is that your head or did your neck throw-up?

Answer 8

peek-a-boo, i see little old uuuuuuu

Answer 9

yes they are crap....