My Father Died a little over 1 year ago & I am still struggling w/ it. Any suggestions on how to get over it?

Question

My dad died the morning after his 50th birthday. Just a little over 1 year ago. Before he died, I hadn't spoken to him in 3 months prior to his death. I had been angry at him over a disagreement we had w/ each other. He lived in another State than me, but was very much a part of my life, and a positive influence in my life & a great father. I feel so guilty and sometimes sad, that I feel like it's affecting me overall. His death was unexpected, and I find myself wishing I had not been so stubborn and gotten a chance to speak to him, at least, before he died. I did send him a B-day card, and he had called me to " thank " me for it but I wasn't their to answer my phone. Is there any suggestions on how to overcome my feelings of grief, guilt and regret with this???

I am normally a very positive, happy person...but find myself from time to time, not every day, feeling down and sad about this..even sometimes feel less motivated.

Suggestions on what I can do to get over these feelings

Answer 1

Dear Blondie, there is really nothing you can do to get over the feelings you have right away, but as the old saying goes, "time heals all wounds". I lost my mother about 9 years ago, 7 months later I lost my sister (she was only 36 years old), and two years ago I lost my father. It is very hard to lose someone, but everything heals with time. There is a natural and normal grieving process, so any thoughts and feelings you are experiencing are normal and natural under the circumstances.

You will and the world around you will get better day by day and one day at a time. It is perfectly understandable why you would feel guilty and have feelings of regret of what happened between you and your father, but the truth is that there is no need or reason for you to feel guilty because you could have and would have never known what was going to happen to your father after your disagreement with him. I honestly believe you did the best you could under the circumstances and if you had known ahead of time what was coming, I'm sure you would have acted or reacted differently.

It is normal and natural to regret not having done with your father what you would have liked to have done and/or said to your father what you would have liked to have said, but life and death do not always give us the opportunity to do what we would to do or say to those we love and care about as part of our daily lives. There is a lot of truth in that life is simply too short.

I would hope you would not regret what you did not or were not able to do with your father, but hope you could and would appreciate and think about the wonderful times you had with your father and remember the good things about him. Once again there is no need to feel guilty, because in my opinion I don't believe or think you did anything wrong, and there is really no need to regret what you could not do or say, because I'm sure you would have done and said what you would have liked to have done and said had the time and opportunity been given to you.

My only suggestion is to remain active and keep yourself occupied, but within reason. You will once again be more consistent in being a very positive and happy person. You will think about and miss your father from time to time, but you will be motivated to do and enjoy whatever it is that you enjoy doing.

One more thing, crying is often the best release of any pain and discomfort you may feel. Don't be afraid to cry.

Take care of yourself, good luck, and my best wishes to you always.

Answer 2

As I was scrolling down I saw the first answer and it is what I was going to say when someone close to you like that dies you don't ever get over it; there is always that big empty spot in your life where they were. We are not prepared for death and I suppose that is as it should be. So when it happens it comes on us without warning and suddenly and those little things that we would have settled in a day, a week or a year more become big things. But, you have to move on and get on with your life and forgive yourself what you couldn't have known.
For the first year after my mother died I was in a state of shock so that I felt that she was away somewhere but not dead. I have always felt close to her and I still talk to her when I am in a stressful situation. So that was almost ten years ago i feel she is here right now. You get better but never over it.

Answer 3

You sound like you could really benefit from some counselling, if you're up for it. Some people (like me) hate the whole idea of counselling. My dad died a few years ago but I still talk to him... I'm expecting my first child and wish he could be here to share in that. Then I remind my self that he IS still here, in spirit. I would try very hard to forgive yourself - I'm sure your dad has forgiven you - and remember all the good times you had with your great father. Can you talk to other family members about it? And if you haven't had a really good cry yet, I highly recommend it. It's very cleansing and you feel lots better when you're done.

You don't ever get over a death of a parent, but you do learn to remember the best times and how much you loved them. Your dad would not want you to be miserable because of this.

Answer 4

You dont! You will always feel the loss but it is how you decide to deal with the loss that will ultimatly define your ability to move on. For some all it takes is a visit to the grave, some have to speak with others, and some go on in a shocked like state until the feeling passes.

I recommend finding a friend that will not take advantage of your personal state to speak with and get all of your feelings off of your chest. This is also a good time to make sure that the same opportuinties do not slip through your hands again. Be sure to tell those around you exactly how you feel in a tactful manner. If you are truthful with those around you, you will not feel like there was stuff left unsaid when something should happen to them.

Answer 5

You should go to his grave and tell him how you feel. It is always difficult when you lose a loved one. My granddad died six years ago at Christmas. I think about how I could have made more of an effort to go and visit him, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I still have tears about him. Don't beat yourself up about it because you will carry this guilt around with you and be continue to be angry with yourself, and that isn't good for anybody. Everything is still very raw and it will take time, but I would go and sit with him for a while and tell him how you are feeling. You never know, it might just make you feel a bit better.

Answer 6

I don't know what your beliefs are but I did a lot of searching after losing a very close grandmother. It took me many years but I have now reached closure.
You must accept that it will take time, that he has moved on and bears no grudges and when it's time he may come and visit you or send someone else to be close to you. This is not to frighten you but to reassure you of their love.
Don't be afraid of change and if you are still looking for reassurance visit a spiritualist church and speak to them. They can give you the name of a respected person who can make contact with the other side. (this person will not ask you questions but will give you answers)
Only do this when you are ready - it took me 9 years to do this but the reading was wonderful and answered how I had been feeling and the names people around me and in my family were given as validation of how my life is now.
I have never been religious but needed something and this is how I found it.
Good luck, I hope you can find peace too.............

Answer 7

My dad died and I feel the same way. I lived with him and then he went to a nursing home and onto the hospital. I lived with him and still had so much guilt. This upsets me to even talk about it now... But it does get better in time. I about lost it... but I went to a therapist and onto a doctor and got on medicine. That really helps. Plus, you need to know that you are not alone and that your father loves you and wants you to be happy. no matter what you could have done,, you would still feel quilt, that is part of the grieving cycle. you will accept his death better with time. But it is ok to think about him. There are certain times of the year that will be worse and that is normal. Even certain days he will just pop into your mind or dreams. That is ok. you will always love and miss him. I put flowers on my dad's grave yesterday and I just cried and cried still. That is ok. --to cry. you should go and talk to someone. I think you would feel better and you would not be judged --they would be objective and listen and help your process your feelings and you can tell them everything--even things you feel about your dad or your guilt, that you do not want anyone else to know. I hope this helps. One person told me to write him a letter and to say all the things I wanted to tell him that I didn't when he was alive. So that may be of help too. plus there are grievance brochures/printouts and those really do help. Maybe even a book on this would help..

Answer 8

You didn't say how old you are but sound like an adult. This is tough. No one can really help you greive. It's a really personal thing. But you know that the argument was forgiven the minute your dad picked up the phone to thank you for the card. Just like he probably forgave you a thousand times before for little things.
Many many people have the same regrets you have about your Dad. Especially the one about not speaking to him "one more time". It's common. Don't let it hurt your life. You KNOW your Dad loved you and that's all that matters!!!

Answer 9

If you find an answer please let me know. I lost my mum 3 months ago and I miss her terribly. We were told at xmas she had cancer ( totally unexpected ) and at new year we were told she had 3 months to live! I brought her home and nursed her 24/7 until she died in my arms on the 30th March. I dont think I will ever get over it. She was a mum in a million and I feel as if part of me is missing. I wish you all the best wishes and really do understand what you are going through.

Answer 10

Just a few thoughts for what they are worth. Let your feelings take their course. Going through grief is a process, and as the feelings come up in you, embrace them. The Grief Process takes time; your time frame for healing will be different than any one else's. Just know you are going through a normal and essential process in your life. The ultimate goal is to be healed and to be whole, and that day will come. So if you feel guilt, identify it know that again those feelings are normal, grieve and move on. One day you will come to the realization that healing has occurred. My very best to you and the memory of your Father.
Cherish the good memories and work through the bad. Good health and a bright future is my wish for you.