help...my boyfriend of 7 yrs...is breaking off the relationship because my?

Question

soon to b 14 yr old daughter doesn't like him. He's very controlling and verbally abusive putting down r self esteem. However he is also in denial that he does this and says its me. He works 1 f/t job and 2 p/t jobs dj's at a club every friday and sat nights until 3 am and also does side events. When he is home its always on the go. No one is allowed to relax. Anyways I am moving out on the 1st of july so my kids will come back home. He in the past has helped out w/ birthdays and school stuff. My child is graduating 8th grade on wed and her birthday is on sat. I now am coming up w/funds for her dress and her grad/birth present, parties, moving out, car pymnts and the rest of the bills I will now have to pay on my own. He's not helpng out w/any of it cuz of her smart mouth. I talk to her about her mouth but what she has to say is truthful and i feel she should stand up for herself as i should have learned to do. is he hurting her or me in this situation, why am i the 1 paying?

Answer 1

Why are you trying to hold onto this controlling, abusive man in any way? The greatest graduation gift you can give your daughter is to get this man out of your life. You are paying because you have allowed yourself to be dependent on a person who was not good for you or your kids. Move on, take responsibility for supporting yourself and your kids. Your daughter does not need any presents from your ex-boyfriend. She needs a mother who will put her first.

Answer 2

As the daughter of a woman who spent WAY too long in an abusive relationship, I can tell you exactly why your daughter has a big mouth. Because it's SO DAMN FRUSTRATING to see someone you love being treated like crap and thinking they deserve it. And not being able to do anything about it messes with your head bigtime. My relationship with my mom sucked pretty badly there for a while because she would NOT listen to me when I was trying to help her. It felt like not only did she not give a crap about herself, she didn't give a crap about me either otherwise she wouldn't have rejected everything I said.

This creep isn't worth it. Not only because of what he puts you through, but the possibility of your relationship with your daughter being ruined because of him. Plus, if she's spent so much of her life having to cuss him out, what's she gonna be like when she grows up if she doesn't get a chance to see what a good life is like?

Money problems can be solved. If you can't afford a present for her now, get her one sometime when you can. As long as you guys have a roof over your heads and enough food to eat, it doesn't really matter whether you've got Nikes and video games or not. Happiness is worth a hell of a lot more than material possessions.

Answer 3

u know ill tell ya , these kinda men always keeps u walking on egg shells , controlling everything around them and if they cant then they take it out on everyone, your daughter should be ur first concern in ur life , she put up with this guy for 7 yrs of her life , 7 years is long to have to deal with a a$$hole , i know its hard to deal with all these bills urself and right now it seems so hard , but
its worth it in the end when u dont gotta hear that man say 1 more rotten thing to ur daughter. u just gotta break free of him , thats all there is to it. help with money or no help just get away from him. a child only is a child once and shes suffered enough from nothing of her fault . get state help or something, anything rather than having to watch what u say or do just so he might help u out with money , its not worth the pain lady

Answer 4

there is no kind of a pleasant future with a man who is verbally abusive, or controlling. on those points alone he probably isn't the best man to have a relationship with. Your children were in your life before the man and should be your first priority . You can get help with the bills from state and federally funded agencies untill such time as your own employment will allow you to stand on your own.

Answer 5

I think the real question is why you would stay in a relationship for seven years with someone who is controlling and verbally abusive to your children. Please figure that out before you start dating again.

As for your money problems, if he's not the child's biological or adopted father, as far as I'm aware you're not entitled to any child support from him. Since you weren't married, you're not entitled to any spousal support, either. Your best bet is just to cut all ties with him, create a new budget that's based solely on your salary, get counseling for your daughter to help her deal with the abuse she suffered, and look into couseling for yourself so that you don't just continue in the same cycle of picking abusive and controlling partners. You can look up info in the back of the phone book on social services agencies that can help you find low-cost mental health services if you want to get counseling for yourself or your daughter, btw.

Answer 6

Concentrate on what is really important- your KIDS!
Let him break up with you-make your relationship with your daughter your first priority-not your relationship with him!
How nice would it be for your daughter to know that though you were going through a rough time you busted your but for her, and made her priority number one instead of giving in and asking him to stay. A much better example for her.
And another thing-talk to your daughter. (As a parent, not a friend: aka keep the conversation mother daughter appropriate) Make sure you know what she is thinking and she knows what your are thinking.
Good luck-must be very hard.

Answer 7

This is a no brainer----Your daughter should come first!

you said yourself that he was " very controlling and verbally abusive" why would you want you and your kids around that anyways?

You will find someone who will be better for you---and make that a new criteria they HAVE to get along with your kids

Hope this helps

One more thing----Family is forever----boyfriends are for whenever

Answer 8

Wow...you're hurting and you don't even know it Boo...Nobody has a right to abuse you & your child verbally, or mentally...no matter how much they contribute to you financially...abuse always escalates...it does not get better...PLEASE call a local domestic violence hotline ( look in the phone book) and at least Talk with a trained professional about what is going on...because YOU are hurting...and you are hurting Yourself, (& your daughter) the longer you accept this behavior....I know...I been there...and since I left 5 years ago, life has been marvelous...Make the call...For you children's sake...Make the call.

Answer 9

You aren't paying for his leaving, but your kids are paying for his being there.
Your daughter will understand if there are no funds for graduation parties, and if you get her a small gift. She'll just be happy that you were strong enough to get rid of that man! I have a 13 year old, too. Trust me, she'll understand.
This man is verbally and emotionally abusive; why wait for it to be worse just to make a car payment. Girl, let him go and enjoy your daughter.

Answer 10

I say move on and let him go. It sounds to me like your daughter may have some resentment because of him being abusive. He is no good for either of you and your daughter should be your #1 priority.You deserve better than that too. Seek financial help if you have to but in the end you and your daughter's lives will be better. GOOD LUCK ....