What's a father to do?

Question

My 21 year old son graduated from collage last year and moved back home as may do these days. It’s not that I didn’t want him moving back but now that he has been home for a year and a half the tension between him and I is at a breaking point not to mention what it is doing to my marriage. Even before he want off to collage I could never get him to help out with chores around the house or get him to do anything without a huge argument and now he feels as an adult I have no right to expect him to help with any household chores. I brought up the subject of rent which him and his mother both flatly reject as being unfair. He has a full time job and believes his money is his and my house is his to use as long as he wants to stay. He has
more perks living here then most kids get with his own garage bay for is car and a second garage at my mothers home next door for working on cars, He has a room in my business
for his ebay sales, cable TV and internet access in his room. My wife still cleans his room and does his laundry. I can’t say my son is lazy, quite the opposite when it comes to making money or doing things that benefit himself he is a real work horse but when asked to help out around the house I get no help at all whether asked or told to and on the rare chance he does anything its on his time frame when the spirit moves him. At this point he has no plans on moving out until he can buy his own home because he would never think of renting.

Answer 1

Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with your wife. She in fact married you, and you should come first. Talk to her, and then call a Family Meeting. Talk everything through, and assign chores for all. He is taking advantage, and your wife is allowing Him to.

Just keep in mind, how well you would like to be taken care of in the future, if it is ever needed. You know what they say, Take good care of your children, after all they do choose your nursing home. Sad, but true.

Best Wishes, and God Bless

Answer 2

Unfortunately you are alittle bit too late in teaching him about his chores at home. That should have started years ago. He's practically a grown man now, your not going to change behaviors that developed years ago.

My question is, if he graduated from college why isnt he on his own? Most kids at that age cant wait to leave home and be independent.

You need to talk with your wife and make it clear to her she needs to support you and back you up when dealing with your son. I think that is the real problem, she doesnt want him to grow up.

He really needs to move out and support himself. Your wife is allowing him to be a moocher. You need to give him a choice, either he pay a fair rent and help around the house or he move can move out. Your wife needs to cut the cord and do what is best for her son.

This all needs to done with tough love, without getting emotional and angry. First you and your wife need to be in agreement and united before you approach your son.

The last thing to remember is your son is precious and cherish every moment you have with him. He just lack some maturity. Hope this helps..

Answer 3

You need to just put your foot down! Tell him if he doesn't pay rent and clean, then he needs to leave! It's that simple. Yes, he is an adult now...but that's even more of a reason for him to take on some adult responsibility! You and your wife were nice enough to let him move back in(even though he has a degree from college)....so that's the least he could do! Make him be a man, or he won't learn until he has three different women pregnant, and gets in trouble with the law. (I'm not saying that will happen, I'm just using it as an example!) Like I said before.... Put your foot down!

Answer 4

Since this is the only acceptable form of communication for my father to use with his whole family, I will respond in writing. Before any attempt at a verbal conversation he chose to make a one sided argument in an attempt to get people on his side. So, here's my side.
First of all, I'm 22 years old. It doesn't surprise me that the man does not even know I had a birthday. That is the kind of father he is. No cards. No I love you. No emotions. No communication. Nothing. Ever. Aside from that, here is my defense.
When I graduated college (in 3 years rather than the 4 most kids take) I was invited back home. Before I could start my real job, I had to go through a certification process. In the meantime I was waiting tables and I started an online business to pay my bills that are all in my own name. I established excellent credit and have a good concept of money from my experience with my phone bill, insurance on two vehicles, the payment of both vehicles, credit cards, student loans, etc.
This has all allowed me to save up money to soon move out on my own. I honesely do appriciate my parents letting me stay at home and I never thought of myself as such a burden. I know I have more than most kids do at my age but I know most of it is a result from hard work and dedication. I try to show my appriciation on a regular basis by doing small things that I think make a difference. I clean up after myself to the point that one wouldn't even know I was there. Not to mention favors next door such as pressure washing my grandmother's house, garage, and driveway or washing and waxing her car.
As far as my mother is concerned, she "babies" everyone in the family to the same degree. There is no reason I should be singled out. My sisters and my father all get the same treatment. My mother does these things because it is in her nature and I thank her for it every day. I would have no problem doing these chores on my own; I would even actually prefer to do my own laundry.
If my father would have a civilized conversation with me I might also be able to tell him how much I appriciate the things he allows me to do. It's hard to talk to him in general, not to mention the criticism that comes along when I help him. He seems almost like a bully in high school at times. I do try to do chores but I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't because nothing I do is to his liking. He's been increasingly more and more impossible to be around and the entire family is falling apart.
I honesetly don't know how to reach him or how to fix things at this point. Every attempt I make turns into an argument. The only thing I have to offer is that I'm leaving soon. I would rent if I had to but since its almost as expensive as splitting a mortgage these days I would prefter to make an investment rather than give money away to a landlord. I thought I was making a logical decision and I am thankful for my family letting me stay with them until I get established in the business world.
Deep down I do love my father, though he might not say the same. I want to see my family happy again. I wish it was simple enough to say that if I left everything would be solved but as much as he blames me for being the problem in the family, I think there is more to it. He's not the same man he used to be and unless he is willing to talk to someone besides a computer nothing will change. If I leave my sisters will be the problem. If they leave my mom will be the problem. I doubt he will ever see his own faults.
The bottom line is, I am willing to do whatever it is to make things right because this whole thing is tearing me apart. What's a son to do?

Answer 5

Give him an itemized bill of everything from rent and storage to maid and food service, charge him for his share of everything from internet use to $6.50 an hour for your wifes housekeeping and maid service, (which is extremely cheap by the way). You say he is not lazy, but your statement proves otherwise. He is taking advantage of you and your wife by not even offering to help. This is extremely rude, and if he is allowed to come and go if he pleases this is showing that you no longer have a parent child relationship in the home, but a mutual roomate arrangement, with one roommate who is not pulling the way and should be voted off the island. I think you are taking advantage of the fact that he is still dependent on you and therefore you feel like you may lose him if not. You are hindering all of you by continuing with this situation. I say you write him a major reality check before someone else does. Things may be fine and dandy right now, but what if either you or your wife falls ill suddenly (god forbid), he still does not posess the skills necessary to take care of himself. What is your job as parents if not to prepare your children for life beyond home. Do yourself and him a favor. Change... and quickly... before its too late.

Answer 6

He's 21 and graduated from college and have a job. so what is he waiting for? until you keel over and have you inheritance?!! He can give all excuses all he wants. He has no legitimate reason to be staying in your house. I've personally seen grand parents supporting their grand children through college until they graduate, all living in the same home. They have created a physically able cripple of a son for too long that he 's no longer capable of physically and financialy independence. Do not mistake loving your child by providing everything he needs. You will cripple every potential he has. Let him learn to be financially independent. Let him learn to balance a check book. Let him struggle to have to pay rent, bills, car insurance and put food on the table.....he might not appreciate you throwing him out..he will reliaze what it takes to really survive in the real world when he's mature enough....Birds with wings that don't fly will not survive.....

Answer 7

absolutely everyone could have little ones, make a infant jointly even if that is the fellow who seems after the infant in existence and is there mentally, spiritually, bodily,financially as that child grows. What makes a father is someone who listens to you for hours :)) Who needs you to bigger positive your existence approaches to be taught on your own because no human being else can try this for you. To in no way provide up at the same time as your feeling low. To spend high quality time in a park in a play floor at a movie :)) To convey homestead bagels and donuts previous due at evening at the same time as operating a nightshift a rational wise and logical loving guy :)) Godbless all the finished fathers that make a distinction of their young ones lives :)) Enki Binki i'm particular your Dad is particular like you Enki Binki :)))))))))))

Answer 8

I am truly at a loss here. But in my opinion, your wife is the problem. She is enabling him. Has she always been this way? Is he an only child, or the only son? My own mother catered to my two brothers. She cleaned their rooms and doted on them. My sister and I had to clean our own rooms and do chores. We realized later in life that the reason she was like this was because in her early life, all the men died. Her father died when she was 7 yrs old. Two brothers died before she was born in 1926 so her own mother doted on the one surviving son, until he died when my mother was in her 20's. Whatever you wife's reasons for doting on her adult son, it just has to stop. And frankly, it's not your son's fault. Adult children have to pay rent if they have a job or they have to do things around the house. I don't know how to advise you on this. I hope others who answer have more inspired thoughts.

Answer 9

Your problem is not your son its your wife. She needs to allow her son to grow up and take responsibility for his life and unite with you in doing so. I feel so bad for you, but you have to put your foot down , because it sounds like you have a really selfish kid on your hands, and he needs to know what life is like in the Real World. I dont really have any solid answers for you, other than talking to your wife first and tell her how you feel and remind her this is a partnership between you and her , not her and your son. Good Luck.

Answer 10

First, you need to get your wife to stop babying your son. Get her to see your side of things. Then both of you need to sit down with him and explain to him that he graduated from college, he's no longer your baby, so if he wants to stay there, he needs to help pay the bills, clean up after himself.
If that doesn't work, then move out yourself.