OMG........... Look at this!! *10 points*?

Question

now that i've got your attention... what is the best joke or riddle that you have. The one that makes me laugh or even smile FIRST, gets 10 points!!

Answer 1

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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A woman always wanted an expensive car: a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years' income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-***, dream mobile. She's driving off, decides she wants some music and searches for the radio.
The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing.

Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. She tells him they forgot to install the radio.

He assures her it's right there in front of her. "It's hooked into the onboard computer. All you have to do is tell it what you want." He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.

"Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" and "click" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.

She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "ASSHOLE!!!" she screams.

"click" "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States....

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A young boy asks his dad, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way.Ó

1) I'm the bread winner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
2) Your mom is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government.
3) We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
4) The nanny we'll call the Working Class.
5) Let's call your baby brother the Future.
"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later
that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

The little boy then goes to his parents' room and finds his sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He then gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad I think I now
understand politics.Ó

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is about.Ó

"The little boy replies "While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the
future's in Deep $hit."

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Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St.Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one-second each time a lie is told." Special attention was
given to two clocks.

The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln had only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life.

Hillary asked "Where is Bills' clock"? St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in
His office...He is using it as a ceiling fan".

==============================...

SIMILARITIES BETWEEN NIXON AND CLINTON....

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

==============================...

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.

The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead beautiful blonde... the works!

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"

"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.

After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;

"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"
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If you find your while mowing your lawn, you might be a redneck.
If you open a can of beer during the eulogy (in the Church), you might be a redneck.
If you considered your 5th grade as your senior year, you might be a redneck.

Answer 2

a couple was about to have sex for the first time.
they both were at after sometime later the woman kept sayin somethin louder and louder with eyes wide shut. the man couldnt make what she said coz the expression on the face was the same.
later the woman withdrew, slapped the man's face and left. still the man didnt know what went wrong.

the woman was japanese and kept on saying wrong hole in japanese

Answer 3

Two guys walk into a bar......................


The third one ducked!



SECOND JOKE


Three gals were talking about how their husbands were no good at helping them with the chores. one says " you have to be firm and tell them what you want them to do. look at me! my husband does all the chores in my house." the second woman says " thats true, my husband does half of the chores...luckily he does the dirty ones" they both try to encourage the third to do the same, with mild success..........
one week past and they meet up at the grocery store.
they ask the third woman if she tried their advice, and if so, how'd it go. THird lady says " well, i told him, if you dont get off your A*s and clean the dishes, mop the floor, make me dinner, and do the laundry, your in for a hell of a night. things have to change" the first two women were amazed at her courage as the third woman continues. " the first day, i didnt see anything. the second day, i thought i saw something.....but by the fourth day, the swelling on both on my eyes was significantly less, and i was able to see just a little bit.. LOL..




THird joke



The husband gets home at 11:30 pm after a hard nights work. he goes upstairs, to find his wife laying on the bed with her legs open....well, he had a hell of a ride there, moaning and groaning everywhere! After the "show", he gets up to grab a drink, only to find his REAL wife dozing off to the TV. " what on earth!!" he screames with anger, as his MOTHER IN LAW walks out of his bedroom. the wife quickly grasps the situation, and yelling at her mother, she says" WHY DIDNT YOU TELL HIM TO STOP?" The Mother in Law answers" YOU KNOW DAMN WELL I DONT SPEAK TO YOUR HUSBAND ANYMORE!"

Answer 4

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

[You'll love this]

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SH*T."

Answer 5

Jack and Jill went up the hill to find some mariiwanna! Jack got high unzipped his fly and said do you wanna! Jill said yes and raised her dress and they both forever had fun!

Answer 6

1

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..


2

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road
They pass each other
Woman yells out her window, "PIG!"
Man yells out his window, "*********!"
Man rounds next curve
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

Thought For The Day : If only men would listen.


3

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her
daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it
makes me
happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home
from
work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the
way
home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally
her
husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

Answer 7

Girl: Hey Bob, John said I'm pretty and Tom said I'm ugly. What do u think of me?

Boy (bob): Both of them are right. Pretty Ugly.

Answer 8

Why did the chicken cross the road?



It was stapled to a punk rocker!

Answer 9

Q Why is Six afraid of Seven?

A Because Seven ate (eight) Nine

( not original, but I like it cause its clean and funny)

Answer 10

2 fish in a tank, 1 says to the other, how the hell ya drive this thing!

Answer 11

An elephant asked a camel "why are your breasts on your back?" and the camel said "that's a strange question coming from someone who's d**k is on his face!"