Best Joke Ever?

Question

I am attending a party where we all have to stand up and tell a joke.
I need the best one!

Answer 1

I take it, that you don't want to stand up all evening, so I will give you a fairly short one.

The First Date

A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Answer 2

How about this joke: A blonde is walking down the sidewalk near a busy street when she sees a brunette just standing there saying, "88, 88, 88..." The blonde walks up to the brunette and asks her what she is doing. The brunette says "Oh, I'm just counting. Do you want to too?" The blonde says yes, and the blonde and the brunette both stand on the sidewalk saying, "88, 88, 88..." Finally the brunette says, "You know, counting is even more fun if you go out in the middle of the street." So the blonde goes out in the middle of the street and starts counting, "88, 88, 88..." SPLAT! The blonde gets hit by a car. And back on the sidewalk the brunette smiles and says, "89, 89, 89..."

Answer 3

There is a ship in the middle of the sea. The first mate says to the captain and says "Captain, there is 1 enemy ship on the horizon line". The captain says "Bring me my red shirt". They enemy ship comes closer and fires it's cannon. The captain's ship fights all day and finally wins. After the battle was over the first mate asks the captain why he needed a red shirt for battle, the captain replies by saying "So, if I am wounded the crew members will not see the blood and keep fighting. The next day the first mate says to the captain "Captain, there are 20 enemy ships on the horizon line". The captain replies by saying "Bring me my brown pants".

-OR-

A guy goes to the doctor's office. The doctor comes in and says "I have bad news and worse news". The guy says frantically "What's the bad news?". The doctor says "You have 24 hours to live.". The guy says "What can be worse than that?!". The doctor says "I forgot to tell you yesterday".

Answer 4

3 men get ship wrecked on an island and are soon discovered by a pack a cannibals. They are brought to the head cannibal.
Head cannibal: If you want your freedom you must go off into the jungle separately and bring back 10 of a fruit.
So the three men set off on they're separate tracks.

It is not long before the first man returns with 10 apples.
Head Cannibal: good! now you must shove each of those apple up your bum without any emotion... if you show emotion we will eat you!

So the man starts 1....2... ARRRRRR he screams. so he is killed.

The second man arrives with 10 tiny berries.
Head Cannibal: good! now you must shove each of those berries up your bum without any emotion... if you show emotion we will eat you!

So he starts, thinking this should be easy 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8.... HAHAHAHA!!!! he got to 9 and burst out laughing. He was killed immediately.

The first man and second man meet in heaven.
First man: Why on earth did you laugh? You were almost there.
Second man: I know but i couldn't help it. I saw the next guy coming with pineapples!!

LOL

Answer 5

Blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Answer 6

there was a blond,hunter, and a shooter. and they all went out to camp one day. then the hunter went to get some food. he came back with a bear. the blond goes whoa how did u do that? hunter: i saw the tracks i followed them and i killed the bear.
Blond:oh o.k
then the shooter went out and came back with a rabbit
Blond: whoa how did u do that?
Shooter: i saw the tracks i followed them and i shot the rabbit
blond: oh k
then the blond went out and she didn't come back for a LONNNG time. so the hun.and the sho. went out to look for her.
then they saw her sitting on a tree stump all bruised and bloody
HUN + SHO: what happened?
Blond: well i saw the tracks and i followed the tracks and.......got hit by a train!!!

get TRAIN tracks


k well that's all

Answer 7

-What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?

A: The lawyer's wingtips are removable.

-A Pirate got his ears pierced. How much did it cost?

A: A Buccaneer!

-If the inside of a fire hydrant contains H2O, what does the outside contain?

A: K9P

Answer 8

i didnt remember it very well cuz it wuz a loooong time ago but it went kinda like a pencil a pickle and a penis were sitting in a room talking about their lives, the pencil says my life sucks people are always sharping my head and rubbing my *** off, the pickle says no my life sucks people take me away when im little put me in a bucket of vinegar for years then they eat me...the penis then says you two think your life is bad my master wakes me up out of a dead sleep puts me in a bag throws me in a dark room and beats my head against the wall till i puke...lol...i loved it when i was younger...

Answer 9

i got 2 funny ones for ya....

1:
Body: Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a *****."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a *****?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A *****!!!"


2:
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

Answer 10

Yo mama so fat she walked in front of the tv and i missed two episodes of Springer.

You might be a redneck if you mow the lawn with your shirt off and your husband does too.