first person to make me laugh the hardest gets ten points?

Answer 1

Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F__k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Answer 2

How about this joke: A blonde is walking down the sidewalk near a busy street when she sees a brunette just standing there saying, "88, 88, 88..." The blonde walks up to the brunette and asks her what she is doing. The brunette says "Oh, I'm just counting. Do you want to too?" The blonde says yes, and the blonde and the brunette both stand on the sidewalk saying, "88, 88, 88..." Finally the brunette says, "You know, counting is even more fun if you go out in the middle of the street." So the blonde goes out in the middle of the street and starts counting, "88, 88, 88..." SPLAT! The blonde gets hit by a car. And back on the sidewalk the brunette smiles and says, "89, 89, 89..."

Answer 3

I've got 2:

1) President Bush


President Bush, First Lady Laura, and Dick Cheney are all in the back of Air Force One. Bush looks out the window and says, "You know, I could throw a thousand dollar bill out the window and make a person very happy."

Laura says, "With that thinking, I could throw 10 one hundred dollar bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Dick Cheney says, "Well, I could throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people very happy."

The pilot looks at his co-pilot and says, "Geez. I could throw all three of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy!"



2) A koala bear is up in a tree, smoking a joint. A little lizard comes by and says, "Hey koala! Whatcha doin' up there?" Koala says, "smokin' a joint. Come join me!" So the lizard crawls up there and lights up with the koala. After a while, he is so thirsty that he has to crawl down the tree and get some water from the river. As he leans over to drink, he falls in. A crocodile wanders up, and seeing this little lizard says, "Lizard! What on earth are you doing in here?" The lizard replies that he was up in the tree, smokin' a joint with the koala. The crocodile cannot believe this, so he goes to the bottom of the tree. "Hey koala! Whatcha doin' up there?" The koala looks down and says, "F*******ck dude! How much did you drink?!"

Answer 4

there was an indian a polock and a black guy they where walking in to town the indian tell's the black guy I'm hungry the black guy said i am too ! lets all split up and see if we can come up with some food! the indian said good idea! the polock said alright I'm in. so they split up and and go looking for food,the indian goes up to this house and rings the doorbell and the door opens the indian says i'll work for food!and the guy that opened the door says only if you screw me? the indian say's sure i'll stick it in your butt! the indian walks in the kitchen and tell's the guy to bend over and close his eyes, the guy bends over and the indian grabs a carrot that is on the counter behind him and sticks the carrot up the guys rear end for about ten minutes and throughs the carrot out the window ,then the indian eats his fill and meets with his buddies and asks them if they had any luck the black guy said yea i found a box of oatmeal pies in the park someone dropped up at the park from a picnic! the polock said all i found is a carrot and it tasted like ****!

Answer 5

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."


After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Answer 6

What is the sex speed limit? 68, because at 69 you have to turn around.

How can you tell when an auto mechanic had sex? One of his fingers is clean.

An elderly man, Willy, mimes driving a car as runs around the halls of a retirement home. An orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing. Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend." The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him. He catches Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

After hearing that we don't know if Osama is still alive, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H. George was baffled he showed it to a member of the secret service and he said “I got it says “HELLO ASSHOLE” , Mr. President. George asks “How did you crack it?” The secret service agent replies “ I turned it right side up.”

Answer 7

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies: But, madam, computers do not have curtains....
And the blonde said:
Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

yo mamma is so ugly she went in a haunted house and came out with an application. And why did the cow cross the road? He was tied to the chicken.

Answer 9

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"HOW DO YOU BREATH OUT OF THAT THING?"

A man and woman walk into a bar.
The man orders the special.
The woman asks him what it is.
He tells her its a secret drink that allows him to fly.
She laughs so he orders her one.
He, then, jumps out of the window and flies around the building 3 times.
She can't believe it.
She downs the drink and jumps, falling 52 floors to her death.
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Jeeeezzz you're a mean drunk, Superman!

Answer 10

there were three people that robbed a bank: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. they hid in a barn full of potatoes. the police checked in the three barrels. one with the redhead said ruff ruff. the police decided it was a dog. they checked the 2nd barrel that had the brunnette. it said meow meow. the police decided it was a cat. then they reached the last one, the one with the blonde. when they investigated it, it said, potatoe! potatoe!