tell me a joke?

Question

tell me a joke it can be clean or dirty but it has to be good I like dirty ones but DONT PUT DIRTY ONES UP EMAIL THEM

diry ones please emile them

dirty ones*

Answer 1

what does a 12yr old girl from ohio say after sex? get off of me dad your smashing my cigerettes

Answer 2

Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women


1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball/soccer/basketball/etc.

5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

8. Hangovers go away.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.

14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

15. A beer always goes down easy.

16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.

18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

19. Beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. You can have a beer in public.

22. A beer doesn't care when you come.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

26. Good beer costs less than good women.

27. A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.

28. Beer doesn't expect an hour of foreplay before satisfying you.

29. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.

30. You can't get thrown in jail for having a beer under the grandstand at halftime.

31. Afterwards, a beer won't feel guilty, cry, propose, call her mother, your ex-wife or her therapist.

32. Beer never bugs you to have little beers.

33. If your preference for a type of beer changes, you don't have to get involved with lawyers.

34. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.

35. A beer doesn't make you sleep on the couch after you've taken six other beers on a picnic.

36. After you've put your lips to a beer, a beer never asks, "What are you doing?"

37. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.

38. You can have a beer on your lunch hour.

39. A beer never wants to stay up afterwards talking about respect.

40. A beer won't slap you in the face for putting it between your legs at a drive-in movie.

Answer 3

Learning language is the most complicated task a child will undertake in growing up—in fact, it may be the most complex learning task of our lives. How do we do it? By listening and guessing at what we hear. That means that as we learn our native language, many of our guesses will miss their mark and the results can be hilarious.

Kids and Proverbs
Once children master the basics of their native language (usually by the age of 6), the job of learning idioms, proverbs, and the like still lies ahead of them. Here are some answers from children who were tested for their knowledge of English proverbs by giving them the first part of the proverbs and asking the children to finish them—or at least so we are told.
Don't change horses . . . until they stop running.
Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
No news is . . . impossible.
A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new . . . math.
Where there's smoke there's . . . pollution.
Happy is the bride who . . . gets lots of presents.
Love all, trust . . . me.
The pen is mightier than the . . . pigs.
Two's company, three's . . . the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and . . . you have to blow your nose.
A penny saved is . . . not much.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . stink in the morning.
An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
Strike while the . . . bug is close.
It's always darkest before . . . Daylight Saving Time.
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

In Church

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
A child came back from Sunday School, and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear".
______________________________...
The epistles were the wives of the apostles ...
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage ...
Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Around the Family

Rob Chaney recently wrote that his son asked if a cemetary is where dead people live.
______________________________...
I can recall when my baby sister implored my father not to turn out the lights in her room because she couldn't see how to go to sleep in the dark.
She was about the same age when, in answer to the question of whether she knew what the stripe down the middle of the road was for, she replied, "For bicycles."
But it was my son, around the age of 4 who came running into the kitchen out of breath and announced, "There's a tree-knocker in our backyard!" We all knew exactly what he meant even without hearing the pecking on the wood (Dr. Goodword)
______________________________...
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard him tell Mommy," the little boy answered, "that he would climb the walls if you came to visit."
______________________________...
When his grandmother visited, 2-year-old Kevin saw that she would cater to his every whim. His mother commented that his grandmother was "a real pushover." The next morning when Kevin's mother asked him what he wanted to do that day he said, "Well, let's go downstairs and push over Grandma!"
______________________________...
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
______________________________...
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
______________________________...
My home was filled with lots of antiques. When my grandson was growing up I would tell him not to touch certain things because they were antiques. One day when he was about 4 years old, he looked me and asked, "Well who is Aunt Teak and when am i going to meet her?"

In School

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
A myth is a female moth.
The Sciences
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"The body consists of three parts—the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five: a, e, i, o and u."

Question-Answer

Q - Name the four seasons.
A - Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q - What does "varicose" mean?
A - Nearby.
Q - Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A - Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q - What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A - If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q - What happens to your body as you age?
A - When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q - What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A - He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q - What is the fibula?
A - A small lie.
Q - Give the meaning of the term "caesarian section."
A - The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q - What is a terminal illness?
A - When you are sick at the airport.
Q - What does the word "benign" mean?
A - Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Answer 4

blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Answer 5

A man who was in jail for 20 years leanred to train an ant. It can do a lot of tricks. He told himself when I am out here I`ll earn a lot of money showing people want my ant ccan do. Soon he was out and he went to have a drink in a bar. He called the waiter and said " see that ant". The waiter said 'yes and simultaneously snaped and killed the ant.

Answer 6

Once upon a time there was this Prince and he asked a princess to marry him. The Princess said no and the Prince lived happily ever after.

Answer 7

A battery and a potato chip were starting a conversation. Battery says "Are you free-to-lay?" Chip answers "Yes, If you are Eveready"

Answer 8

Why can't a kid watch a pirate movie?

because it's rated arr

Answer 9

A guy walked into a bar and said "ow!"

Answer 10

Your moms so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.