Cheating/Many Lies = Beyound Repair?

Question

Ok, constructive comments only please - certain level of maturity required :) this is long.

In short, been having problems with my live-in B/F of 4.5 yrs. I want to preface this with the fact that outside this issue all else is peachy and we match really well/have a great time/always together/similar minded/connected, etc.

About a year ago, I found out that since we were together, he'd spend some time on myspace (hi5, friendster, name it) and had like 133 friends/chicks on it (mostly 18-20 yr olds); which all of them he claimed he never met. Of course, no mention of me or being in a LTR in his profiles.

Later I found out he asked at least one girl for lunch (she didn't jump though), and brought at least two home on different occasions (my b/f took like 200 of naked (not the artistic kind either) pics of them, but yet says he didn't hook up with either one. There was also a few of weird emails like replying to Craisglsit NSA type personals, etc, over a course of 4 years (he used to work from home before so if anything went on before 7pm, I wouldn't know).

This totally bugged me and we fought over it (i.e, I'd cry and he'd get ticked off and say "it's nothing", etc).

Tired of such crap, I left for a short vacation (alone), to clear my head, have some fun, nothing more. And that I did; met a bunch of people including some guy I kept in touch via phone/email for about 2 weeks after my trip. Nothing happened, just some flirty conversations (which was wrong on my part, but I am vindictive). I know I was wrong to even go that far.

My B/F was furious though (apparently, what was OK for him to do, was not for me) when he saw the emails, we had a falling out; made up, I stopped communication with this dude, etc.

Shortly after though, I emailed spoke with this 18 yr old chick he went after on myspace, and brought home for the so-called "photoshoot" (the last one happened 3 months ago) while I was away. She said he tried to "do"
her after a lap dance she gave, and they had a fight over that, the end.

I confront him - no drama, mind you - I'm too shocked to even cry, just calmly tell him I want out of this sh*t ASAP. He swears and begs and cries for a few hrs and makes me stay. Obviously, all his profiles come down and he promises not to ever pull any remotely similar stunts. Conveniently, at that time - he buys me the ring and we're consumed with it for a while. (He never wanted to hear about marriage or this type of stuff before). The ring goes back (we saw a better style) and he decided to postpone the purchase, which is fine with me. He is starting a new business and our *next step* is just not a priority (nor do I think it will ever be, in fairness partly due to stuff beyond his control).

Yet, somehow we work things out (or so it seemed), and we did have a great month together.

I thought I put this sh*t behind us, or rather tried to tell myself I did. Obviously not. I can't seem to get past it. Am I crazy for even trying?? Is it even possible considering our history? Yet again, there has been so many great times... I don't want to bring this up again to my b/f as he'd just probably get mad.

All that from a guy who says he loves me, and I do believe that, as he treats me so well and even lets me drive his car :) I do love him also (seriously). I'm not a prude, I can understand attraction and flirting (which he also has no problem doing in front of me), but maybe this is a bit much.

He is a good father (the man is 40, I'm 31) to his 2 teen live-away kids from prior marriage, a hard worker and a very responsible, smart, educated, articulate, charming guy. Everybody loves him, including my parents. So it's not like I ask for advice from people I know.

Here is my question; obviously he lied before, but is there any chance he may be telling the truth when he says he won't cheat/do any weird crap to jeopardize our relationship? He says it's "different now", since there was a talk of ring and possibly marriage in remote future.

I'm some whiny nagging type, btw (nor I am into babies and minivans and white fences), I like sports, I'm in awesome shape, typical attractive eastern euro girl, make my own money, can cook, no real baggage/kids/crazy family. So it ticks me off that I was treated this way (albeit behind my back). This is the first guy I genuinely cared for.

This type behavior, does that mean my b/f never wanted anything serious - since he was always willing to risk our relationship... like continuing with his sh*t after getting caught first time/lying? Thus, he'll be likely to do it again? Frankly, I'm tired of "what ifs" swirling in my head for the past few years.

He still claims he never physically cheated on me and all this bizarre crap was *to boost his ego*, *curiosity*, whatever. Is this the type of stuff to expect in any LTR? In such case, I may never want one. I am an extremely loyal person and expect nothing but the same in return.

There are good days and bad days, and I hide bad days from my B/F (or I try my best). Silly stuff triggers the worst memories lately. He is really busy with work now and I don't want to bother him with my whining again.

I did realize I need to make a decision (once and for all), when my friend was showing me some furniture website on her Myspace page (I don't have one) and I almost bit through my lip just so to fight tears back. I want to fix it but don't know how.

Answer 1

remember one thing LOVE ONLY GOES SO FAR.love can only do so much,don't let it repair what is broken and cant be fixed.if he is a type of person that hides things from you then what will he hide when you are married?I'm a guy and yes i **** up but I know what hurts the person I love,I don't want a payback from her either because that sucks.I don't know what to tell you don't let no one make your mind up on what to do,and don't let love make the choice either,because will only take you so far....hope i helped

Answer 2

This is a serious answer. Please take this advice. There is a book out that is called - he's just not that into you - I read it and I really think that it would help you feel alot better about the whole situation. Don't worry if you do not like to read becasue it is a really short book (150 pages) and it goes down real smoothly. I promise you it will make you feel better. Good luck!

Answer 3

You said it yourself - pretty much! If it is only "physical cheating" that is a betrayal, why do you still feel bad? He said it was all hands off! I sincerely believe that what he did, the chatting, nude photo sessions - in your home, are certainly a form of cheating. Do you really believe that not one of those "girls" said yes? Uh Uh. I say you are young and you say attractive, employed, etc. Move on girlfriend. Who wants the ring?

Answer 4

Sorry to hear things aren't so great for you right now.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship - If you don't have that then you have nothing to build on. You have to decide for yourself if he is being genuine or not, and if you are prepared to live his lie.

Lastly, Don't allow ANYONE to make you feel second best!

Answer 5

If you are hurt this bad over this relationship maybe you would be better off to let go of him-you have ever right to expect someone you love to be faithful to you!!

Answer 6

first of all, marriage is not in the picture. you dont want to settle with someone who took you for granted.i think yopur boyfriend has a problem. he is a sex addict and i dont know if his addiction has totally cleared off. take him to a shrink and both of you seek medical help. have you check for stds?check it. no matter what anyone says... if you feel tthat the trust in your relasionship is over then brake it off. you cant live your wholr life in continious suspetions.

Answer 7

if there is no trust there is no relationship in he just mite do it again so say to yourself is this a relationship i really want to be in he did it once and maybe will or still mite do it again so think real hard maybe you need to get away and give your self some more time to think about it

Answer 8

myspace, to me, is nothing more than the new KIDDY PORN site....why would a NICE GIRL show a bunch of t*ts and a$$ on there??? it's a excellent place to meet sluts and (male) tricks.