how do you come to agreement with your spouse when it comes to displining and raiseing your child(ren)?

Question

my daughter's father & i sometimes argue over how to raise & displining our 2.1/2 yr old daughter. we both do agree w/ spanking her when she doesn't listen, sending her to her room, making her sit in time out! but we don't really agree on ignore her when she is getting naughty or starts to not listen! I have learned that yelling at her all the time & spanking her everytime she naughty doesn't always help, so i have started ignoreing her sometimes & she eventually stops! my daughters father yells at her 2 much & gets upset & hot headed way too fast, sometimes im afriad he will hurt her when he loses his temper! like this one day i took her outside to play w/ my neighbors daughter & the 2 of them play rough sometimes well my daughter's father yelled at her, spanked her 3x on the butt & made her sit for a few minutes, while she was sitting her kept repeatly saying she wanted a popcicle, i told her NO & that she was being punished, then ignored her cuz i knew she would stop eventually!

her father got hot headed and yelled in her face then made her go to her room, i yelled at him after that, and told him he can;'t being yelling at her constintly or she'll keep saying she wants a popcicle and she keep being naughty, he said he just wants her to understand the word NO and to shut up when he wants her to shut up, but i tried telling him that the more you yell the more she'll rebel! ignoreing her works for me! i just don't want her to grow up being emotionally damaged like i was growing up, and the way he yells at her, shes gonna end up, emotionally hurt and scared and what not! i don't want her to be scared of us, i want her to be tough and strong!, but she also neds displine! he yells at her like shes a 6 yr old and shes only 2 and a half!

we have talked about it, cuz we split up for a yr and a half and we are trying to work things out again, i was rasieing her by myself while we split up, i told he can't yell at her like he does when he's in my home, cuz he yells too much it's like he's trying to make her grow up faster, cuz he yells at her like shes a 6 yr old and shes only 2 and a half and doesn't understand right from wrong just yet! I do yell at her and punish her when she is naughty, but when she repeats herself, i ignore her, cuz i know she'll stop, but he doesn't ignore, he gets in her face and yells at her and just makes it worse!

MIscha I do agree with you, I don't always ignore her and i do talk to her and play with her, she doesn't understand everything though, cuz i can understand cuz she's only 2 and a half! the only time i really ignore her is when she is sitting in time out and repeatly says she wants a popcicle or something, i only tell her once or twice "i said NO" "Now you are being punished and have to sit for 2 minutes" my daughters father constintly says "NO, now shut up!" or I said NO and NO means NO!" then he gets HOT headed, when she keeps repeating herself! it's mainly the way he yells at her, i think he forgets that she's only 2 and a half yrs old!

Answer 1

We have an agreement in my house. Whatever parent initiates the disclipline is permitted to punish the child at their discretion. If the other parent disagrees, we discuss it in private, not in front f the child.

Answer 2

Disipline is very difficult. I have 3 children, now ages 24,21, and 17. I learned to not sweat the small stuff, if you catch the big stuff, the little stuff falls in line. I also found that yelling at a child just makes them nervous and high strung. Hitting a child just creates chaos, violence, and builds distrust. Even when you disipline, you can do it in a loving way. If you ignore the child, they just get louder and act out more. Acknowledge the child, and their behaviors, good or bad. Yes, always acknowlege the things that they did right too. Sometimes we forget to do that, and it is very important to praise the things that they are doing right. I rarely punished my children, I would talk to them and tell them how disappointed that I was with their behavior, but that I always loved them. The only time I yelled at them, or swatted (not Hit) their bottoms were if they did something dangerous, ie: going into the street. So when I did raise my voice, it startled them and they would stop what they were doing immediately. I have used these techniques succesfully with my own children, neices/ nephews, school children/ students, it works for everybody. I think that if you show them understanding and respect, all children, no matter how undisiplined they were, they respond positively to this type of disipline, kids really do want to be good, and we just need to play to that, and they will be good. And really, after a while, you really don't need to use physical disipline, you just talk to them and explain what behavior you want, and they will do it. It works on children of all ages, from the womb until they are adults.

Answer 3

I have a 2 1/2 year old boy and your right, yelling at them doesn't do good. And eventually, they will stop listening to that and where will you be? I believe in spanking too, but as last resort. My 2 yr. old is getting old enough that I can talk to him and he will understand what I am saying but I don't think that you should ignore her. That will cause her to be insecure when she gets a little older.

Do you spend more time with your daughter? I am a stay at home mother and do most of the discipiling, and when my husband, the father, is home, he gets mad very fast and doesn't understand how I can put with all that they do (I have 4 total). Just sit down with your spouse and come to an agreement about who is going to do the disciplining of the child and whatever you do, don't call each other out in front of your daughter, because at this age, they are like sponges and she will put that in the back of her sub-conscience mind and will use that to her advantage later. You want to make sure that you and your spouse have the upper hand when it comes to children. You don't have to be ogre's and abusive, but be in control. PICK YOUR BATTLES!!

Answer 4

Perhaps both you and your estranged husbad could use so advice from the American Academy of Pediatrics. This advice is written by medical doctors who specialize in working with children, and they are experts in this subject.

Here is what they say:

"Many parents think discipline and punishment are the same thing. However, they are really quite different. Discipline is a whole system of teaching based on a good relationship, praise and instruction for the child on how to control his behavior. Punishment is negative; an unpleasant consequence for doing or not doing something. Punishment should only be a very small part of discipline.

Effective discipline should take place all the time, not just when children misbehave. Children are more likely to change their behavior when they feel encouraged and valued, not shamed and humiliated. When children feel good about themselves and cherish their relationship with their parents, they are more likely to listen and learn.

Telling your child how to behave is an important part of discipline, but showing her how to behave is even more significant. Children learn a lot about temper and self-control from watching their parents and other adults interact. If they see adults relating in a positive way toward one another, they will learn that this is how others should be treated. This is how children learn to act respectfully."
http://www.medem.com/MedLB/article_detaillb.cfm?article_ID=ZZZJPZ2YUSC&sub_cat=21

At two and a half years of age, children normally try to acquire some autonomy and independence from their parents. That's why they often disobey and disagree with their parent's wishes. This is normal behavior, and all healthy kids of this age behave like that.

Parents should let their kids become more independent and let them decide things for themselves as much as they can. And discipline (as described above) should be used only when these kids endanger themselves or others, or make life very inconvenient for their parents.

You are right to disagree with your husband about the yelling and spanking your daughter. If he injures your daughter, then the police can charge him with child abuse and he will go to jail for that. Just because he is her parent, doesn't mean that he can treat her any way he wants.

Perhaps both you and your husband should go to parenting classes together. If by going to such classes you and your husband can find common understanding and agreement about how to raise your daughter, then this will help in your marriage too.

Answer 5

You could try to categorize offenses and their levels and assign punishments accordingly. Perhaps minor infractions earn a time out or re-direction (steer them to something else). Moderate offenses could result in loss of privilege or toy/item for a certain amount of time. Severe offenses result in spankings. Whatever works for you. But you and your spouse need to make these decisions together. Then, once all is set, you know ahead of time what the penalty will be and you both agreed on it's appropriateness. Also, you should check with your county's resources. Mine has a child development expert available to address concerns like this. You may also find lots and lots of suggestions in parenting resources like classes, books, websites, magazines, etc. And remind your spouse to stay in control when addressing the kid(s). This will not only show them a good role model for handling conflicts, it will also avoid sending them a message that they're bad or not worth common courtesy.

Good luck. You can do it!

Answer 6

You can't ignore your child. Spanking is not always the answer, it just teaches them it is okay to hit. Putting a child in time out (1 min. for each year they are) and them talking to them and helping them understand why they are being punished is highly recommended. The arguments between you and your husband need to be worked out (not in front of the child). If it still becomes a problem, seek therapy.

Answer 7

Sit down and have a family discussion about it. If that does not work, take matters into your own hands and raise her on your own. If you won't listen to your husband, then why are you together? People are going to disagree. I'm certain you can work something out.

Answer 8

Men can over do it .. i am not taken no side both are in the right ...just keep a eye on him if he seem like he is going ot hurt her then you need to stand up .. i went threw that with my son father and he over did it so i left ..he went over when he did it

Answer 9

Well, you need to calmly sit down and discuss the issue. I think this is an issue you should have decided on BEFORE having kids or when the issue first started.

Answer 10

you both need to try to come to a agreement eventually make sure you tell him how you feel about how rough he is with her and that you want to make a punishment plan and stick with it i think he might like that idea

GOOD LUCK