Please Make me Laugh?

Question

Hey, everyone, I'm really bored. Why not tell me a joke or something funny, then if I think It's the best, you get 10 points! Woo Hoo!

Answer 1

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted
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A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

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A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says "Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". The babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually mommy lets me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok". The boy is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The babysitter says "Really? ok". They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok".

Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy says "That wasn't my finger either."

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A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

Answer 2

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in
the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to
leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the
room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a
wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother
tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in
tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again
the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16
years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay,"
says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a
bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I
shot the dog!"


i love that one.. :)

Answer 3

It was Friday,and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off.They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,"Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies,"OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

Answer 4

The little red Indian boy went up to the Chief's tepee and asked the Chief 'How do we get our names, Chief?'. The Chief answered soft and low: 'When a child is born, it is brought to my tepee and I look out. If I see a little dear running, I name the child 'Little Dear Running'. If I see an Eagle in the sky, I name the child 'Eagle in the Sky', and so on. Now run along home for your dinner, Two Dogs Fuc*king'...................

Answer 5

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he' d had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.


He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked,

"Up or down?"


The ! woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,
"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today,

nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f**k or drown."

:)

Answer 6

>Subject: funny one ok ;-]]
>
>
>
>
>It was my first time ever
>And I'll never forget
>I'd do it again
>Without a single regret.
>
>The sky was dark
>The moon was high
>We were all alone
>Just she and I.
>
>Her hair was soft
>Her eyes were blue
>I knew just what
>She wanted to do.
>
>Her skin so soft
>Her legs so fine
>I ran my fingers
>Down her spine.
>
>I didn't know how
>But I tried my best
>I started by placing
>My hands on her breast.
>
>I remember my fear
>My fast beating heart
>But slowly she spread
>Her legs apart.
>
>And when I did it
>I felt no shame
>All at once
>The white stuff came.
>
>At last it's finished
>It's all over now
>My first time ever
>At milking a cow...
>
>
>
>GOTCHA!!

Answer 7

hi

Answer 8

Did ya hear bout the lil boy born with no eye lids? Well they waited 8 days and when they circumcised him they made eyelids out of his foreskin and it worked, allthough he is a little cock eyeed......sound serious when you tell this one works better

Answer 9

there was this guy who was riding in a taxi.
when he tapped the taxi driver's shoulder, the driver screamed. the passenger asks, "why did you scream?! did i do something wrong?"
driver replies, " sorry boss. today is my first day as a taxi driver... for 25 years i worked in a funerary home."

bwahaha!!!

Answer 10

there is an american sniper shooting japs up on a cliff when he hears "Help me help me!" He goes over and sees a lady with no arms and no legs and she says "Since i have no arms ands legs i have never been hugged before!" So the guy says "whatever" and hugs her. The next day he is sniping and the voice comes again (help me help me) so he goes over and the arm/legless lady says "Since i have no arms and legs ive never been kissed before!" so the guy says "OMG FINE!" and kisses her. the next day she cries help me again and the guy says WHAT NOW and she says "seeing i have no arms and legs ive never been screwed before!" so the guy picks her up, throws her off the cliff and says "NOW YOUR SCREWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"