Could you tell me a joke? The funniest wins best answer.?

Answer 1

one morning, a secretary notices her boss forgot to zip up his pants.so she discreetly goes upto him and says " u forgot to close your garage door while leaving home today". the boss doesnt get it. toward afternoon he notices his pants and is shaken up. he zips up and walks upto the secretary's desk and says, " hey this morning when you er happened to see my garage door wasnt closed did you by any chance notice my jaguar parked in there?"
the secretary looks up and says" i dont know about the jaguar.all i saw was a mini with two flat tires"

Answer 2

Losing Engines

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Answer 3

There is a plane ready to crash..a woman frantically stands in the middle of the aisle and screams were all gonna die but please...is there any man out there that can make me feel like a woman before i leave this earth...everyone looks confused when suddenly this handsome man gets up and walks toward her...he has a muscular build blue eyes and a beautiful face to match...when he finally approaches her he takes off his shirt and says can u iron my shirt and get me a beer

Answer 4

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh-it."

Answer 5

Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.
Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once
touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in
The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer
have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a littlereluctant but replies, "Well once I
fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the
line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the
front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to
gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her *** in it."

Answer 6

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

Answer 7

Once upon a time,princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought "I don't ******* think so."

Answer 8

4 Catholic women get together for lunch. The first one says, "My son is a priest and everyone calls him "father." Not to be outdone, the second woman says, "Well, my son is a bishop and everyone calls him "your grace." The third woman rolls her eyes. "I've got you both beat. My son is a cardinal and everyone calls him "your eminence." The 3 women turn to look at their friend, who has been silent all this time. Finally she says, "Well, my son is a hunk - tall, handsome, muscular and a stripper for a living. When women see him, they cry, "My God!"

Answer 9

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Answer 10

Rectum Stretcher


While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?

"A rectum stretcher?"

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6-feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge!"


Traffic Ticket............... $95.00

Court Costs.................. $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS

Answer 11

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth .

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."