jokes please?

Question

i want to hear the best jokes you have if u make me laugh i will give u best answer

Answer 1

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and
were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep.
Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic
pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump
off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian,
yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy
was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of
money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he
yells "Oh ****!"

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A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can
have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride
agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has
been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He
explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in
the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But
what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf
balls, I sold them"

Answer 2

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

Answer 3

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

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Answer 4

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all! day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted...

Answer 5

ok this one is long but anyways........

this guy is working out of town and one night he decides to go to the local bar next to the hotel for a beer. he walks in and orders and the bartender tells him that its dollar drink night and sets him up.the guy thinks to himself and decides that the 20 dollar bill should cover all he needs to escape the loss of his friends and family so far away. so he drinks about 4 beers and decides hes done and puts his money on the bar and when the bartender came back with his change he went to put a couple of bucks in this jar full of money. the bartender.....appriciateing the gesture ....snatches the 2 bucks from the guys hand and say thanx. the guy.....wondering what the big deal was about asked the bartender why he couldnt put the money into the jar full of money. the bartender explained that the jar was a bet jar that the bar has been challenging patrons for years to accomplish.....but no one was ever able to. the guy is intrigued so he asks th bartender about the bet.

the bartender explains that there are 3 bets. the first is to knock the biggest guy in the bar on his butt.........the second bet is to please the old lady bar owner who is never happy and lives above the bar .......and the third is to pull an absest tooth out of the guard dogs mouth behind the bar who guards the empty kegs and what not. but if your not able to complete it you must put 20 bucks into the jar.

so the guy whips out his money and orders 2 shots of tequila.....shoots em down.....orders a few more .....shoots them down....looks down and that big guy at the end of the bar is finally down to his size( or so he thinks in this now drunken state hes in) walks up behind taps him on the shoulder swings and knocks that big old guy offf the barstool.

to celebrate he goes back to the bar and orders a few more shots and drinks them down.

he stands up and mumbles while staggering i need to try to take care off that dog. by now the whole bar knows whats going on and cheering him on as he stumbles out the back door. the door closes and you hear screemin and hollaring and moaning and barking and howling and yelping...after a few minutes the back door swings open, the guy is standing there clothes ripped up and hes smileing and says....."O.K. wheres the old lady with the absest tooth?

Answer 6

Mini Meanie

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I' l l help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leperechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

Answer 7

Two brunettes are are reading the newspaper. Their is a story about a battle on the frone page. The Headline is "Two Brazilion Soldiers Die" One girl looks to the other and says, "How many is a brazillion??"

Answer 8

LMAO @ the snoop joke

Um...heres one

On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class Which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl Then a little boy raises his hand and says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love. "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no",she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, "Oh god, I'm coming!'"

Answer 9

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants...

The bartender says "Hey buddy, doesn't that steering wheel in your pants bother you?"

The pirate says "Yarrr, it's driving me nuts!"

Answer 10

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."