can some one tell me a funny joke?

Question

need cheering up

Answer 1

Hi, I have amnesia, do I come here often?

Answer 2

An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everything they see.
They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.

They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind her.

The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.

The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father."

Answer 3

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£68,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

Answer 4

A cowboy walks into a bar wanting to get a cold beer. Once inside he realizes it is a gay bar. Since he really wanted a cold beer he thought what the hell and started walking up to the bar. The bar tender tells him that before he can serve him anything to drink he has to tell everyone what he calls his little friend in his pants. The cowboy looks at him really strange and the bartender tells him Look I call mine NIKE because Just go for it. The guy at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS because it satisfies. A guy sitting next to the cowboy looks over and tells the cowboy " I call mine TIMEX because it takes a licking and keeps on ticking. The cowboy sat there for a few minutes then looks over to the table on the other side of him and asks the two guys that were sitting there what they call thiers. One of the men tells the cowboy "I call mine CHEVY hard like a Rock. The other guy tells him " I call mine FORD because quality is job one. Have you driven a ford lately?" Amazed and very thirsty the cowboy tells the bartender "ok , I got a name so go ahead and serve me the beer. " the bartender tells the cowboy "well lets hear it" so the cowboy tells the bartender " i call mine SECRET. because its strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

JOKE 2
A young boy asks his father what the word politics means. The boys father tells him well son since I am head of the family lets call me the President and since your mom is the one who manages the finances we will call her the government and since we both take care of your needs we will call you the people. The nanny we will call the working class and your baby brother we will call the future. Later the young boy goes to bed and is awaken by the cries of his baby brother. So he gets up to go check on his baby brother and finds the baby with his diaper very full of poop. So the boy goes to his mothers room and finds her fast asleep. So he goes the the Nannys room but finds the door locked. So he peeps in through the key hole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. In the morning the boy sees his dad and his dad asks the boy "well son do you understand what politics means? " The son looks at his dad and says in his own words. " I think I got it right father. THe President is fu ck ing the working class people while the government is fast asleep, everyone is ignoring the People and the Future is in deep shi t.

Answer 5

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.

The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"

Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked.

"But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"

Answer 6

A guy stays at a hotel,,, he finds one of these ads for a good massage call this number.
So, he calls the number and a girl named Tiffney answers. He begins that he is alone in this hotel room and wants a massage,,then he stops.. He breaks down and tell her everything he wants.... with nothing held back....

When he finished talking,, the girl replied......

Well Sir,, that sounds pretty good, but you need to dial 9 for an outside line......

Answer 7

Jonny was out collecting his paper run money from all the neighbours and walks up to a house where a lady answers the door and jonny sais hello miss im here to collect my $5 for this week and she answers oh jonny you have cought me a bit short this week , Maybe i can pay you in another way? Jonny looks her up and down and then sais alright miss. So jonny walks inside her house and the lady starts to undress. so jonny pulls his pants down and begins to put washers on to his penis, then the lady sais oh thats alright jonny i can take it all. Jonny replies not for $5 you aint.

Answer 8

a bloke and a cat are walking across a bridge, the cat falls in and the bloke starts laughing, moral of this story? well wherever there is a wet p*ssy, there is always a c*ck

sorry if its a bit lame

Answer 9

there were two snowmen in a field and one said to the other, "Hey can you smell carrot."

what did the door mat say to the door, " Put some clothes on i can see your knob".

What happened to the make up lady.
Max factor.

Answer 10

k. why did the chicken cross the road?


2 get 2 the other side!!!LOL!!!

hey dont blame me if that wasnt funny, im a nerd, i like dumb jokes,theyre so dumb, i cant stopp laughing!

Answer 11

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick

Sorry but they make me laugh.