I have not seen my father for 17 years. Recently, within the last month we have contacted eachother and talked on the phone. I am apprehensive, because the relaionship he had with my mother was violent. I was excited at first by the contact, but now my feelings have changed. I really don't trust him. I do forgive him, but all of a sudden feelings of anger have surfaced! HELP!!!!
2006-06-18 12:43:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Be honest - tell him you have bad memories and unresolved anger, but that you are willing to give him a chance to earn his trust. If he really has transformed himself and wants reconciliation, he should be understanding that this will be a process over time, with ups and downs.
Ask him about who he was then and who he has become now, and how he went through that transformation. Ask him if he has any plans to "make amends" with your mother- even if it's just sending a letter of apology. One time, my ex tried to confront his father, and he just blamed it on the fact that he was drinking at the time - he took no responsibility, and so I knew reconciliation would not be possible because you can't forgive someone who denies their responsibility.
When the time comes, get together in neutral environments so you can retreat in case too many bad feelings surface. Again, it will take time, and you will experience many emotions. Trust your gut and stay true to yourself. Good luck!
2006-06-18 13:08:34 · answer #1 · answered by HearKat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You will encounter mixed emotions because this man is practically a stranger to you. Forgive him because this is the right thing to do. From his history of violence I'm sure that you will watch him very closely and naturally you won't trust him around your mom. Anyone can change if they allow themselves to change but if you see any signs of violence then that would be a signal that you and your mom would have to love him afar off. you are old enough now to sit down and have a few serious discussions with your father and ask some questions that has been on your mind for a long time. But it's a time for everything! Pick the right times to have a father and daughter reunion. Let him know how you feel about your mom and the love that you have for your mom. Warn him of the first signs of violence that he would be walking a thin line and could lose you all again.
2006-06-18 19:57:45 · answer #2 · answered by rosie24501 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't trust him. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to trust him. It just means that you give up your right to punish them for what they've done in the past. That also means giving up your anger toward them.
If you're not in counselling, you should consider going into counselling before meeting with your father. You need someone to help you sort through all the garbage you've had to deal with. This is a big deal. Don't go it alone.
Once you and your counsellor agree that you're ready, and you still want to, meet with your father in person. Since his history is violent, only meet in a public place, not at your home.
Good luck to you. This is tough stuff to deal with anytime, let alone at 17.
2006-06-18 19:49:23 · answer #3 · answered by Dave R 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to decide if you truly want a relationship with your dad. If it is important to you, you will push the anger aside. Does your mother know about your recent contact? Does she support your desire to have a relationship with your dad?
Your dad is a different person (most likely) than the person who was married to your mom. Sometimes people bring out the worst personality traits in their partners. I know that my mother and father were horrible as husband and wife (he was abusive), but he is nothing like that with my step-mother or with me. I'm not blaming your mom, as I do not blame mine...it's just something to think about. What led him to be that person, when they were married and how has the past 17 years changed him.
2006-06-18 19:51:54 · answer #4 · answered by throbbing_black_bruise 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to base your relationship on the way he treats YOU not how he treated your mom. That said, do keep in mind that their relationship was violent. Don't forget that but give him a chance. IF he insults you, offends you or gets violent with you, you have every right to tell him to take a f'n leap. If not, decide if you can live with yourself if he has indeed changed, but you never gave him a chance because of his baggage.
2006-06-18 19:49:00 · answer #5 · answered by rainyday 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's normal to have those feelings, i mean, after all he harmed ur mother. i think u should take it real slow and one step at a time, get to know him but don't get too attached so u can see who he really is and if it's good for u to keep him around in the future and have a real relationship with him, after all, he's ur father and it's worth a shot don't u think?
2006-06-18 19:50:24 · answer #6 · answered by pink 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Prepare youself to be dissapointed, but give him a chance to finally prove he's worth the honor of being your dad
2006-06-18 19:49:43 · answer #7 · answered by ADAD 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
talk to him, let him in, but don't trust him. go out with him, and get to know him better, and let him know whats been going on in your life, don't let him into your heart, unless u r stronger enough to have your heart bronken. don't depend on him for anything, but let him know u care, don't be cold, but don't let him in to easily. most of all, don't hold anything in, don't bottle things up
hope that helps
2006-06-18 19:50:07 · answer #8 · answered by Yoshi 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go with your gut.
2006-06-25 19:09:58 · answer #9 · answered by SAHM/Part Time Tutor 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋