I need a good joke !!?

Question

I need a good joke to tell some family members. Can somebody give me a hand?

Answer 1

Okay, this one's cute, but it's funny.

A man decides that one day he is going to buy his dream pet.
So he goes to the pet store and walks out with a centipede.
He is so excited that when he gets home he wants to go out and show the world his new pet.
So he goes up to the cage and says, come on Mr. Centipede, we're going out to show you to the world. The centipede doesn't respond. The man rattles the cage and little bit. Still nothing. So the man gets angry and says, are you coming or not?!
Finally, the centipede says, "I'm coming! I'm putting on my shoes!"

Answer 2

ok i have a good joke for u

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Answer 3

As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." - Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." - Rush Limbaugh

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" - Dennis Miller

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates Americans, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." - Conan O'Brien

Answer 4

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey
“Hey! what are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint,
come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey
and they have another joint.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’,
and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned
that he leans too far over and falls in.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned
lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in
the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend.
He then explained how his mouth got dry,
and that he was so wasted that,
when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.
He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey
is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says
“FUUUUUCK, DUDE…….how much water did you drink?”

Answer 5

A Forgotten Wedding Anniversary

A husband found himself in trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife angrily told him,
"Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway that goes
from zero to 160 in five seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

He never heard the shot that killed him.

Answer 6

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Answer 7

a small guy gets on an elevator and notices a bigger guy standing next to him.the bigger guy turns and says,"7 feet tall,350 ponds,20 inch dick,300 pound nuts,Turner Brown". the smaller guy faints dead away and the bigger guy brings him to by slappin his face a lil and says,"sorry if i startled u but i always intoduce myself that way,my name is Turner Brown" and the smaller guys says "oh thank god,i thought u said turn around"

Answer 8

why did the dog not go in2 the shade?
ans:cause she wanna be hot to make the male come round her.lol

Answer 9

your cooking is so bad the flies pitched in to fix the screen door

Answer 10

why did the dog go under the shade? punchline:Because he did'nt wanna be a hot Dog! HA HA HA