I need some new jokes.?

Question

I want Yankee jokes, Bush jokes, blonde jokes, and dirty jokes that aren't COMEPLETLEY disturbing.

Answer 1

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

==============================...

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Answer 2

1.A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman
said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an
Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay,
because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for
me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her
second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world.
And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's
okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired
about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.

















































































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies
who have a good sense of humour.
thnks.


2.These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court."
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

____________________________________________________________________


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

____________________________________________________________________


Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

____________________________________________________________________


Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
____________________________________________________________________


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

____________________________________________________________________


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

___________________________________________________________________


Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

____________________________________________________________________


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

_______________________________________________________________


Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

____________________________________________________________________


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

____________________________________________________________________


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

____________________________________________________________________


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Answer 3

Here's a pretty good Anti-Bush one


George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved YOU from drowning!"


lol, have fun

Answer 4

> A man had great tickets for the All Ireland final. As he sits down,
another
> man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
> "No,"he says. "The seat is empty."
>
> "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
> seat like this for the All Ireland Final, the biggest sporting event in
the
> world and not use it?"
>
> He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
> come with me, but she passed away. This is the first All Ireland Final we
> haven't been to together since we got married."
>
>
>
> "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you Find
> someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
>
>
> Wait for it.....................
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

Answer 5

donald rumsfeld enters the oval office to inform the prez that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed that day, overcome with emotion Bush puts his face in his hands and cries over and over, "No not three brazilian soldiers, No not three brazilian soldiers." Seeing the prez is inconsolable rumsfeld leaves the office. Finally after a few minutes bush calms down and looks to the vp and says, "Dick you gotta help me out here, how many is 3 brazilian?"
sorry, a little disturbing.

Answer 6

An attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures toa man behind the counter, who,after veiwing her assets comes over immediatley. She seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.. when he does so, she begins to gently carress his cheek, as he turns red. " Are you the owner?" she asks now softly stroking his face with both hands. " Actually no, I 'm the manager" "Can you get the owner for me I need to speak to him" "I"m afraid not, he isn't in today, is there anything I can do?" "Perhaps" she says popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "That there isn't any paper in the ladies room"

Answer 7

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandma slaps Grandpa.
"That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had."

They're both silent for ten minutes. Then Grandpa slaps Grandma.

"That's for knowin' the difference."

Answer 8

A husband and wife were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary, when the anniversary fairy appeared.

"I will give you any anniversary gift you wish"

"Oh", said the wife, "I would like to go on a cruise!"
The husband said, "Me Too, but with a woman 30 years younger!"

So the fairy turned the man to age 90!

Answer 9

Scientists have just released Viagra
in the form of eye drops.

Apparently it does nothing for your
sex life but it makes you look really hard.

Answer 10

How does Bush think the Star Spangled Banner begins?

"Jose, can you see ..."