Whos Wrong??? Me or Him?

Question

I recently decided 2 confide in my BF and finally tell him that I was raped, and his reaction was the worst possible one I can think of. Wehn I first met him I was dating my ex n me and him became the best of friends. At the time I had never planned on telling him or ANY1 what happened to me bcuz it was 2 painful a topic. The issue is tho that the guy who raped me also took my virginity, so it was also hard to tell people I was a virgin, but I did because who was I going to say took it? So I told my BF that my ex had taken my virginity. So heres wats pissing me off...Now my BF is MAD becuase I lied to him and is calling me impure, and a liar. I can understand how lying about only sleeping wit 1 person is wrong but it took me awhile to actually face the fact that I WAS RAPED and I WASN'T a virgin anymore. SO now I'm hurt becuase the 1 peron I wanted to confide in turns out to be an a-- n I want to break up wit him after finally trusting some1...can someone PLEASE give words of wisdom!

Answer 1

I am sad to hear that you were violated and realize that is such a painful experience that few people seem to be as sympathetic as they should. I suggest that this friend also felt violated or hurt that he was no informed of this. He may have a thing about being lied to especially from one he loves and trust. I am not condoning his insensitive behavior but can see that he may be angry and hurt and wants to hurt back as many unfortunately do.

I would suggest that you give him some time to cool down and discuss what a dilemma this was for you. If you are that close you each will learn that in any relationship there is times you must forgive and forget. but remember to discuss both sides.

If either of you is not willing to forgive or understand why, it is not going to work out anyway.

There are people in the world you can trust and would understand so please don't withdraw and hold it against everyone.

Remember you broke his trust, too.

There are some people who think woman got rapped because they asked for it. This is not true. If that is the case leave him.

Answer 2

Part of any relationship begins with trust. but sometimes trust can not be given so quickly. I always felt that a couple should know everything before a relationship of b/g friend was formed but there are always exceptions of the rule. This would be that. You were raped and that is the worse thing that can happen to anyone and it is hard to deal with and harder to talk about. you finally decided to tell someone you thought loved you enough to trust with this and he let you down and I am guessing you feel even worse now. Part of a mans job in a relationship is being understanding. I realize that you lied but I feel personally you had good reason to hold back because you were trying to deal with something no female or male should have to face alone.
But all in all you lied to him and for that you should admit to what you did and I am sure you explained why you felt it was the thing to do. Just say I know I messed up and nothing I do can change that. I thought you were understanding bt i see that you cant be and thats ok. Tell him that the relationship is over and you need to be alone. nothing else needs to be said or done. try to pick up whats left and start again but learn that you really should know all you can and give all you can before getting too serious in another relationship and please go and find some help this rape will always come back up and you need to resolve this within yourself. best of luck

Answer 3

relax and let him go through his emotions. I would suggest you try not to bring up the topic again, but you should bring the situation up and his reaction to what you told him. tell him it took you a long time to come out with the information cause of what it has done to you mentally, but you feel that you want to tell him everything that is going on so you can have a honest and open communication relationship.

IIf he can't get past this he has some maturing to do cause he should realize that none of this was your direct action or fault nor is it something that you meantally heal from over night, so he should take into consideration your feelings and emotions and feel that you gave him the respect of telling him in the first place and being open with him.

wiate it out- you should not break up cause of his reaction- remember you did tell him some overwhelming news so give him a moment to sink it in and come back around- if not - let him go- but don't let this situation stop you from being open and/or honest

some people respect honesty and some people are just afraid of it- you just gotta know which type of person you are dealing with

Answer 4

You are a virgin regardless what this technically is. Do not allow others to impress on you anything negative. You are not alone.

At first kept it to myself, then I became more vocal about it when I realized how many other girls where going thru the same thing.

I use to be a secretary at a local church in which a counselor informed a young lady that she was to inform any future boyfriends/potential husband that she was raped. I informed that counselor & the young lady that is no ones business.

Iam gonna say something a little detailed when you have intercourse the tissue stretches each time making it less tight & it bleeds because of the tearing.
You will notice when you have intercourse hopefully with your husband on your wedding night. I know b/c it happened to me.

Most men dont care what happened in the past what they care about is their future with the person they love.

Your boyfriend is mad at the fact that he could get you as a virgin notice his concern was not you or how you have coped. He has called you impure, he believes he is pure which if I am correct in my hunch I do not believe he is. I think he will be getting a rude awakening. He wants to play the victim you let him you have not betrayed him. You have been betrayed because you finally felt you could trust him but his only concerned was his image.

When you need to speak to someone because you are down Speak with God in private you are allowed to feel mad, cry, vent, you will get over this.

Do not tell your business to other people unfortunately even those who love you and care about you will slip & tell your business.

As crazy as this sounds everything in life happens with a purpose these negative things happen to us to detour our vision & keep us down. Believe me you are an important person,others will look up to you for advise & help. This is when your life experiences become tools to help others cope.

You are valuable in God's eyes, you are a princess & he will send a prince which he has already chosen for you. He will be the right man at the right time. God is still working on this man wait for God to confirm who he is.

That Ex person who hurt you will go thru his own torment you will hear about it. When you hear it be humble, thank God for handling things, then ask God to help you forgive that person with God's help you will and you will be over the bad feelings you have.

Well I hope I was helpful I wish you an abundance of blessing from God.

Answer 5

Wow what a story! Im sorry about all the pain and suffering
you went through.
1st. Virginity has different meaning to everyone. To me its more
then a penis entering a vagina. Its an emotional and personal experience that builds a relationship. So being raped does not count as losing virginity.
2nd. Loose your friend. What would he do if he were raped?
3rd. Call the police and report what happened to you.
Good luck.

Answer 6

He is acting selfishly and immaturely to a deeply serious event in your life. I would advise two things. 1) Don't bother to talk to him anymore, he is too insensitive toward your feelings. 2) See a rape counselor and talk about what happened. The benefit will be that you will be able to get it out of your head and won't have to carry a dark secret around. Plus the counselor (preferably female) will be able to relate to your situation regarding the crime committed against you. Let this experience serve as a lesson that you must get to know someone before you confide something in them. it is none of your fault though. You had some serious emotional pain that needed to be released and you trusted someone that turned out not to be trustworthy. I am sorry you had to experience all of this and I will pray that you can work through it. I have faith that you will. Have courage and be patient with the whole process.

Answer 7

Wow...what a problem. I think your bf is an idiot for not being more understanding, HOWEVER, you did lie to him early in the relationship. His comment about you being unpure is very rude, because it is not like you chose to lose your virginity, it was taken from you.

If I were you I'm tell him that you'd still be a virgin if it wasn't for the fact you were abused and that he deeply hurt you.

Also tell him that the reason you didn't tell him early on is you were ashamed and thought he would judge you for it, even though it wasn't your fault.

After hearing this, he will probably feel badly seeing that he has judged you already. If he doesn't apologise, then he doesn't really care about your feelings. If he doesn't care about your feelings you know what to do.

Good luck,

m

Answer 8

Girl, I'm not getting all that you said. Did you tell him that you were raped, or just that you were no longer a virgin? Either way, he handled it poorly. Being raped causes a lot of trauma both physically and emotionally. Your boyfriend should have been there for you when you opened up to him about it. My suggestion would be to kick him to the curb and find another guy who will be more caring towards you.
Best wishes.

Answer 9

It's really a sad thing that has happened to you. It's not your fault and if someone that you finally confided in doesn't try to help you through this then maybe they don't really care about you like you may have thought. Maybe, you could talk to your boyfriend about your reasons for not telling him sooner and, about why you chose him to tell in the end. Just remember that you are not the bad person, your saddly the person who is suffering for the ex who is actully the bad person. Hopefully you can find someone that understands and help you through this terrrible burden you carry. seek maybe a group or someone that specializes in this area. I wish you luck in finding the answer that will help you deal with what you are experencing.

Answer 10

I am sorry that happened to u. I can't believe your friend is acting that way. In my opinion he isn't a friend at all. it shouldn't matter u didn't tell him the truth especially under the circumstances. He should have understood. if he is really your BF then he should have gave u a hug and told u how sorry he was that u had to go through that. Loosing your virginity should have been a wonderful experience, and it was the worst. I would get rid of him. i can't believe he is acting like that. i am so sorry for u. Please take care