How do you deal with the silent but evil mother in law?

Question

she dosn't talk to me unless forced and then its y/n answers. she tells me one thing and my husband others. and worst of all she has comments about my parenting skills, which my husband believes i just misunderstood! last time we visited her, and my baby was crying she kept saying things like "oh she just wants her daddy, or she wants to be put down" anything but acknowlege me!!!by the way, this was my 1st mothers day and when i called to wish happy mday to her, she never acknowledged me. i could go on for ever here. we are going there for fathers day tomarrow and i'm already having panic attacks.they live 2hrs away and never come here, but she complains that she never gets to see the baby or my husband. she also comments on the fact that my parents see us often..well dugh..they drive out to see us all the time and my mom talks to me!!!addtionally, they are dirty people I mean toenails on the carpet dirty..no wonder i don't want to put the baby down there.eww...my husband just laughs.

Answer 1

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I have been there too. What I did was kill her with kindness. I mean, NO MATTER what she said to me, I just smiled and said nice, sweet stuff to her. If I had a problem with her, I told my husband to deal with it (in private).

A couple of times, it went too far, so I told my husband to talk to her about her behavior. I very nicely explained that me and my children would stay away from her unless she changed her behavior. He talked to her and things got better.

Now we have a great relationship, but I still never say ANYTHING negative to her. It's a long road. That woman sounds awful....

Oh, and PS, I would not put my baby on that nasty carpet either!! Good luck to you, Sweetie, and if you need to chat, just shoot me an email.

Answer 2

Perhaps she is jealous of your parent's getting to see the baby more than her. Men don't share their children with their parents the way women do with theirs.
It's hard when things are strained to recreate your relationship with her, but try to be the better person and ask her opinion on things concerning the baby sometimes and invite her over when it's not a holiday to see the baby, or drop by her house with the baby sometimes. I think all in all she probably loves that baby very much and doesn't know how to be a help with him/her constructively. Perhaps you could make suggestions on how she could help.
I remember when I was a new mother I took some offense to hearing all kinds of tips on what my baby needed at any given time especially from my mother in law, but she only ever wanted good for my children and now that she has passed on I appreciate even more what she did and said.
It could be that she'll get over her pettiness with a little TLC and be a real help to you instead of an enemy.

Answer 3

There is nothing worse for a man to be stuck between the two women that he loves the most. My mother in law pits her own children against each other, The two boys have decided not to play her game. She has 3 grandsons all born on the same day and yet she never calls or sends gifts to our son, only her daughters son. My mother in law is really not a very nice person, so I decided to take the high road, and not complain the my husband, it makes you look like a whiney, nagging wife. Simply smile at her, tell her that you appreciate her advice, and say nothing bad about her to your husband, and be thankful you live 2 hrs away. When she is sick and old, you will be glad that you were nice. I know, i ve been married for 24 years.

Answer 4

Oh man, that's a sticky situation. First let me ask you this: how is your relationship with your husband? Does he take his mom's side when she's making such comments? You can't really do anything about your mother in law, however your husband can. Maybe you should have a talk with him and tell him how it hurts you when his mom makes nasty comments. Tell him that you try to get along with her like you even called for mother's day but she doesn't give you the same treatment. If he understands, he'll try talking to his mom without mentioning that you had a talk with him. Doesn't he see how she reacts towards you? At least you have one advantage, which is that they never come to your house. My suggestion is to just ignore her if she makes any nasty remarks. There's not much you can do other than limiting the conversation with her. I know it must be extremely uncomfortable but you have to live with it since she is your husband's mom. I hope she realizes and starts treating you better. I wish you the best.

Answer 5

I think we have the same Mother-In-Law.The only thing you can do is, tell her that your mothering skills are just fine! her "Son" doesn't complain about the way you treat his child, so she should leave the Mothering up to you. Tell her that the road goes both ways, and you would feel better if she came to your house where the baby is use to her surroundings. Maybe she will get the hint to clean her house before the baby gets there. If she doesn't get the hint you may have to suggest that you would help her clean her house so the baby could get on the floor. Good luck tomorrow, you are going to have to put your foot down and tell her that if she wants to see your family, she needs to start treating you like a daughter. And that WILL make you feel better.

Answer 6

Very carefully, My husband was the same until we actually lived with his mother for 12 months (and I still dont know how I managed it) and she couldn't keep the pretense up any longer. You have options, one you dont visit, harsh but effective. If it gets worse you and your child dont visit. You could also get hold of a micro recorder and tape the witch, evidence is hard to ignore. You can wait till she slips up, she will eventually....whatever you do remain sweet in your husbands eyes, if you nag him about it it will sour your marriage and ruin you life and she will be the victor. The final thing is moving further away so visits are more infrequent, however beware she will come visit and stay for weeks at a time. However its your house, your turf and you hold the winning cards.....thats what we did we moved states....phone calls are so much easier.

Answer 7

I would suggest that you make a statement and that you don't go tomorrow. You could have some me time, and forget about the panic attacks. If she only wants to see your husband and the baby..then that is what she will get.

Are you serious about the toenails on the carpet dirty? Uggggg. Makes my stomach turn. Just tell your hubby not to put baby down. Don't want a toenail to go in his mouth.

Answer 8

She is your husband's mother. As hard as it's going to be for you to do this, you are absolutely going to have to go out of your way to be nice to her. Ignore her complaints completely. Don't respond to them and don't b*tch to hubby about them either. It's his mother and that's just how she is. You could be petty and give back what she's giving but you risk losing your husband and feeling guilty if you should find out she either has a legitimate (in her mind, who knows what she's been told) concern or that she really doesn't mean to offend you. Adjusting to new family is very hard for everyone. Make as many concessions as you can, and stick to your guns on the really important stuff. Remember, she is older and wiser than you, even if she is a big ol' meanie.

Answer 9

Honey I am gonna be blunt, after 20 years of abuse from an evil mother(outlaw) we have not spoke for 2 years cause she could dish it out but when I served it up she couldn't take it. Good Luck cause if she is this way she will not change. I have learned this ! Stay away from her for your health sake and be you . To hell with her and your husband will side with you once he knows you mean business. Crack the whip and say I come first and if not you will come last !

Answer 10

Please tell your husband you will no longer go with him when he visits his mother. Do not visit her. Don't go for father's day. Stand your ground. You have a right to be loved and appreciated for who you are. And if you don't have your husband's support in this then you need to question him as to where his allegiance is, with you or with his mother. You are fortunate that she does not come to visit you so at least you can be queen of your own house.
She is jealous of you because you stole her precious son away and, until she gets over that, you refuse to be mistreated by her. Ignore her.
She is taking out her own unhappiness on you. Don't allow it. Let her simmer in her own stew.
Good luck - Be strong.