How do you approach your mother regarding her forgetfulness, her domineering personality being a problem?

Question

My mother has lived on her own since my Dad passed away in 1999. He always had a handle on her but over the last few years she has become downright agressive..I can say and do what I want .I'm a senior citizen and have earned that right, she says. But the last few months she is denying saying things, forgetting about things. Very touchy. I am the only one in family that she seems to cotton to, the othes don't see her very often, aren't willing, able to do so. Mum doesn't want help with anything, then she wants help with certain things, done immediately. We try.

Answer 1

When you say your dear late Father "had a handle" on your Mother till his death it sounds more like people think of your Mother as an animal rather than a beloved family member.

Your Mother may be touchy because she feels she isn't getting the respect she deserves as a human being or as a woman who made many sacrifices for her family. She may also be afraid of getting older and becoming dependant on others for her basic needs.

If she feels hurt and that causes her to lash out...then people don't want to spend as much time with her and it becomes a vicious circle where she continues to not have her needs for love, respect and the much needed help met.

Since she cottons to you, you might be able to smooth things over. Tell her how much you love her, don't bring up arguements from the past. Give her some attention and respect. Try to be a peacemaker with the others encouraging them to help out in small ways but to always show respect. Suggest she do something for those who help her so they will also feel appreciated - it doesn't need to be anything big, just serving homemade chocolate chip cookies and saying thank you, telling them how much she enjoyed their company...

We're going to either grow old or die someday too, I believe what goes around comes around so do your best and hopefully when its our turn we will have the support of our loved ones.

Answer 2

You cannot confront your mom about this with any success if she has dementia. She needs to see a doctor, and the doctor needs to know to test her cognitive skills. It is dangerous to allow someone with dementia be in charge of cooking and other activities which could prove to be disastrous.
Aggressive behaviour is a symptom of Alzheimer's. I am certain you are doing as good a job possible with her, but she may need more help than the family can give.
If there is a social services department in your county, you can call and talk to someone there about her problems, too. They will have a list of resources for you. Good luck.

Answer 3

Very carefully. So, is the house a mess, bills unpaid, does she have poor hygiene, has her social life changed. When was her last doctor exam. Have you given her any special attention and asked her if she'd like to go to a movie or dinner. Do you include her in family activities. Negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Answer 4

Since you are the one she cottons to,she will listen to you if you broach the subject from a non-condisending approach. When you are sitting with her one day start up a conversation in this manner.
"Mom, do you know what I admire about you the most?"
"What is that ,dear?," she might say.
" Your ability to be self reliant, the strength and determination you've shown, since Dad passed,and your ability to take control of your life,and be agressive with life. It really inspires me to be more passionate about living. And that's why I've been so worried lately."
"What are you worried about?."
" Well, I have tried to model myself after you, and watching you closely, I've noticed that your mind hasn't been as sharp as it was... not intelligence wise , but some forgetfulness and not remember some things. It has me worried because ,I would hate to see you fail in that way ,as I really have a lot to learn about life, and would like you to be the one to share your wisdom and stories of your life when you were young, so I don't make mistakes with my life. In other words , I'd like to have you around for a long time and want you to always be able to talk with me . I'm just worried that the forgetfulness might be a sign of something else,and if a trip to the doctor's for a check up might catch and correct an oncoming problem, it would enable you to keep being the independent , strong, woman I have always admired . You know us women have to stick together, if we don't look out for one another who will."
"That means a lot to me , to hear that you admire me. I don't feel that way very often , and it's nice to hear someone say it. Things haven't always been easy for me , since your Dad passed, but I plug on anyways. But if it would ease your worrying I will go to the doctors and get his opinion, cause I'm sure everything is fine. And I'd love to talk to you anytime. I'm glad someone has been listening to me. I feel like I talk to the air most of the time. "
"Why don't we make it a mother ,daughter day, it wouldn't hurt me to get a checkup as well, we could go for lunch after,and maybe stop at the mall and pick up something new,just for the fun of it. It'll be fun. We don't have enough fun together."
Approaching it in this manner, you have, 1. praised her strong will, rather than negate it, putting her off guard. 2. shown your love and admiration for her, which narrows any divide between you and helps her to trust your judgement.3. Made her want to be around to help you, by showing her that if something was wrong you wouldn't have her guidance. and 4. Not make going to the doctor's a demand, but something all women need to do if they want to stay independent , and doing it together, you take away any fears she may have,and it will be a small part of a very pleasant day. During the time you spend together, don't ask her if she needs or wants your help with anything, let her ask you , then she won't feel babied. Also , when leaving her house, tell her that you're only a phone call away,and that you will try to do the things she asks ,as soon as you possible can. But that if you're unable to get to it right off, not to worry, because you love her and until you are able to do it , she will be on your mind.
That dissapates any feelings of neglect before they even enter her mind. If there is a pill she is suppose to take a certain time every day. Just make up a reason for calling at that time, and when she answers, say," I'm sorry , I shouldn't have called you at this time, you were probably in the middle of taking your medicine. If you haven't yet, just go ahead and I'll hold on." Reminding without reminding. Also, remember, at that age, there becomes less that you are able to do and enjoy ,with each passing month and year. It makes you angry at the world for making you old,and there is not a damn thing you can do about it, which is scary in itself,and sometimes they lash out , out of frustration and fear. After all, the person they were has gone and the person they are left with , they are stuck with, no matter how much their bodies and minds deny them, they feel a loss of accomplishment, pride,and self esteem. And the lack of enjoyment of life can sometimes make them depressed as well. So let her bark, and let her know that it's alright to bark at the world, if it will help . Remember , she use to get those things done in a hurry ,all by herself, or with the help of your Dad. Those aren't an option anymore. The feeling of helplessness, makes you fight for it from others, that way you have control of something through the strength of others. And by all means, remind those other selfish siblings, that if that woman called their mom had neglected them when they needed her, the way they have been neglecting her in her time of need, they might not be around .
A little guilt never hurt anyone, and a lot sometimes gets a rise out of them. Be as stubborn with them,as your mom has been with you. Let them see your frustrations. You and your mom are worth it.

Answer 5

Unfortunatly, you might want to speak to her doctor about this..
I work in a Care Center for elderly adults and it sounds as if she might have started into the stages of dimentia..
It is very common in our elderly population..


Best answer is to talk to her doctor, trust me..

Answer 6

How convenient for her!

I hope you have heard this before - 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' Oh, you can wonder and agonise or ask her if it is a common saying. And it's your turn this month? How did your father deal with it? And the Others escaped, did they?

My only tip is to outlive her, or realise the reality of her clever game. You sound like an easy target. I am sorry, but this is not going to be a short post. I'll try to be brief.

If I'm wrong, and my aunt is wrong - I've rung her, because her experience sounds just like yours - please ring them all, over your own lifetime, and ask them when, exactly, they knew that they were loved?

And liked by their parents also? OK, You don't have to be that blunt, but no one of you are that stupid. They and You know exactly what is meant by that. My aunt has just rung me back and said - "so what if we were never first with them - ask her if they are playing along with the usual myth to stay in the will. That's what I never liked, such hypocrisy!"

But when did you know that you were loved? Do not cheat yourself by making up a story about one time when you were favoured over the Others, or not exactly hated. I said Loved. It's your turn. Quit avoiding it. You are not a pagan, and before you feel obliged to sleep on your mother's floor to make up for the Others, you should realise that this is not right, and that no one who knows you would ever think that that's OK for You, or ask it of you.

She may be hard-of-hearing. Lose face by having to ask someone to speak up? Admit that she hasn't heard you properly? You must be joking! You forgot to inform her. You don't respect her. You're just like all the rest. But ... you can gain 1 point - maybe ... by cottoning properly, if you really try hard enough. Not like those Others.

She may be used to being skilled and quick and is not now. She may have been used to bluffing and used to the games lovers play. Her partner kept her on her toes. None of you admired the games they played. Well, it's your turn now to feel bad that her life now lacks a supply of all those qualities. Neither, of course, will yours, ever, if you fall in with her plan. Her generation's like a sculptor. Dedicated. How do you make a perfect statue? Over the years, you hack off all the bits that don't look like a lion. Her husband's not around, but she can still carve such willing soft clay.

Of course, she completely lacks any sense of proportion. She's straight. So am I. I can appreciate a natural balance. I grew up with mostly sisters.

"This guy you're seeing tonight'd better be a nice guy, or he'll hear about it from us - Hey! Come back in - is that my top you're wearing! The cheek of you?! Go and change!"

Demanding, clingy, ignorant, ruthless, brutal, spiteful.
If she had friends of her own age, they could explain this. Do you meet her friends socially? Has she dropped them because you come running when she blinks? Are you "more useful than the others"? How flattering. But it's just not good enough, is it?

Have you compared notes with the others? Calmly, on your own? With a checklist? Don't be hurt, - it is a habit of such people to play one off against another. You really should, quite calmly. It's only fair. Fairness, BTW, is not remotely what it's about, for her. The others already know that. Don't be under any illusions. She has said something poisonous to them. It might not mean much to you. It's not anything on the level of:

That widow is making You feel terrible.
Your father would not have wanted you ever to feel like that. She has isolated you from the Others. You no longer have Her in common. Therefore, you must be one of a kind, and should stick together.

At every lifechange, there are people who think in terms of winners or losers, double or quits. And people who would create an evil ogre who stops them being themselves.

Short answer? Won't help, not if she's latched onto you - and you won't do anything to help yourself anyway - but you don't approach a bully, you fool, and I mean that nicely.

You speak up and tell them to watch themselves. Oh, for heaven's sake, she has scared everyone away and made you feel loyal for being the last one standing? Your loss!

- Please Don't Speak to me like that.

And You Leave.

Physically.

Walk out, walk away, do not spend the night with a bully. I don't care how she softens the blow, or pretends to have misheard; you do not spend that night or the next morning under the same roof with a bully. Stay in a kip, stay in a hotel, stay with a friend.

If you can afford to travel home, do, and take the 'phone off the hook. If you can't feel right about that, read your 'phone book. It tells you how to forward your number. Surely there must be some one of the others who has tried to tell her that she is demanding and spiteful and resorting to schoolgirl games. Very effectively. You are only human. If she is angry, and makes it your problem, and it upsets you, you are also allowed to be angry. Most bullies are OK with anger. They are fluent with anger. Not so with grief, mourning, loss - a pathetic weakness you were always prone to.
They well have spent their married life gloating over such silly asses.

As though the ancient Greeks did not write plays around such huge losses.

She isn't coping well with this, and the best way to cope is to blame someone. If you don't have anyone to prod you into making a list of all that you have already given up - for their peace of mind, I doubt very much if you'll ever do it for yourself. I'm quite sure that your best friends have already tried to hint and been put on hold because your mother Wants to get through and is used to, skilled at, sparring with her man. In fact, the others may have tried to help her cope with her relentless depression - out of loyalty to you, and been lashed with her spite. You are there because you are convenient.

Answer 7

im only 13 so i cant awnser this 1 for you but i do wish you luck in whatever you choose to do!
****good luck****

Answer 8

v