Do anybody know any good jokes?

Question

I don't need any Knock Knock jokes I like fat jokes yo mamma jokes you so ugly any thing but knock knock jokes and please let them be funny.

Answer 1

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House
bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks
him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington
advises, then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.

Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to
help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from
sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens
to see the ghost of F. D. R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers,
"Franklin, What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into
the mists.

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure
moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Abe, what
is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Bush pleads.

Abe replies, "My advice is, do something relaxing. Go see a play!"

Answer 2

It was entertainment night at the senior center and
the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room,
he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two
or three people up here to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his
coat"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch.

It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
back and forth, light gleami ng off its polished
surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying
watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.

"CR*P!" said the Hypnotist.

It took five days to clean up the senior center

Answer 3

Paddy was having trouble with his sex life and went to the doctor. After an examination, the doctor handed him a little jar with a screw top on it and said ‘Right, Mr. Murphy, I want you to go home and produce a sample of sperm. I’ll send it away for a sperm count and we’ll see if it’s anything serious’. Away went Paddy, but returned three days later with an empty jar. ‘Did you have a problem, Mr. Murphy’. ‘Problem indeed’ answered Paddy. ‘I went upstairs to the bathroom and I tried my right hand, but no luck. I tried my left hand, again no luck. I tried both hands, but just the same. I called Mary, me wife up and she tried, but still no luck. We asked the woman from next door to come in. She’s a really big woman and she tried. Still no good. She even took her false teeth out and tried but bedamned if she could do it’. ‘That’s very hard luck, Mr. Murphy’ the doctor replied. ‘Yes’ said Paddy ‘there was no way we could get the bloody lid off the jar’.

Answer 4

Yo family so nasty u tried to take a shower and your water pipes stoped working.

You so stupid you failed a survey.

Yo mamma is so fat, she walked past my t.v. and I missed the whole season ofMaking the Band 3.

Yo mamma so fat, she hasn't seen her toes in 8 years.

Answer 5

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned
to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk replied, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."


does that work?

Answer 6

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 7

Its Me: That was hilarious! My brother and I were laughing so much!!! I don't have one but I wanted to comend "Its Me" for such a funny joke.

Answer 8

okay your mommy iz so stupid dat wen u were born she saw the abilicalcord and turned to ur father and said "look honey it comes wit cable!" haha. wuz it funny?

Answer 9

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mad scientist.
Mad scientist who?
Who are you to decide that?

Get it?

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!

Get it?

ROTFL!

Get it?

It doesn't make sense, does it?

Answer 10

yo mama is so fat she uses diet soap