I need a good joke?

Question

Not some whimpy little kid one either

Answer 1

I need a day off!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted
"CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung
upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the
Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What
are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate
for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?"

( You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Answer 2

did you read mine about the milkman if not heres more

You've gotta love the Irish

***********************
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

***********************


O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd
been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to
bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood
from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

***********************
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

***********************
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

***********************
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***********************
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken ****".

Answer 3

there was a blonde who was soooo dumb she

put m & m s in abc order

starved to death in a grocery store

thought a quarter back was a refund

thought meow miz was a cd for cats

studied for a blood test

put lipstick on her 4head cuz she wanted to make up her mind

called me to get my fone #

was looking for the fone # of 1-800-FLOWERS

spent 20 min. staring @ a ketchup bottle cuz it said concentrate

tried to drown a goldfish

saw a sign that said airport left so she turned around and went home!!!!













also there one more an american, a blonde & a russian were arguing

Russian: I was the 1st one in space

american:i ll b the first one to mars

blonde: ill be the 1st on to the sun!

russain & american: u cant go to the sun!!

blonde: ill go @ nite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

I just heard this one and thought that it was hilarious!!

A husband just came in from fishing, deciding to take a nap. Although the wife didn't really know her way around the lake, she decided to take the boat out so she could read in peace. While she was in the boat, a local game warden came up to her, and told her the area she was in was a restricted fishing area. The wife protested, stating that she was in not fishing, but in fact reading.

The warden said, "You have all the equipment here, so for all I know, you could start at any given time. I'm going to have to take you in."

The wife then said, "Well, I'm going to have to press charges against you for sexual harrassment." The warden then said, "Maam, I have not touched you in anyway."

The wife then said, "You have all the equipment, and for all I know, you could start at any given moment."

The moral is, don't mess with women who read because that means they know how to use their brains!!

Answer 5

I'll give it a shot.......

A 75 year-old man goes to his doctor for a check-up.
Doctor: "You're doing fairly well for your age."
Patient: "You think I'll live to be 80?"
Doctor: "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
Patient: "No, I've never done either."
Doctor: "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
Patient: "No, red meat is unhealthy!"
Doctor: "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, such as playing golf?"
Patient: "No, I don't."
Doctor: "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or fool around with sexy women?"
Patient: "No, never!"
Doctor: "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"

Answer 6

Oh Oh i got one..

Your mama is soo fat that by the time she passes by the tv, you miss the whole show.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

ok maybe that wasn't so funny..

Answer 7

what did the blond's left leg say to the right leg while they were sitting in the bar?

Answer 8

A nurse working in a nursing home noticed that one of her charges, an elderly man, was beginning to lean over to one side. Afraid that he was about to faint she asked him if he was all right. He insisted that he was so she urged him "Sit up straight, you'll be more comfortable."

Later, she noticed that he was beginning to lean over to one side again, and said "Ah-ah-ah, musn't fall out of our wheelchair!"

This went on and on until she just got in the habit of straightening him up ever time she passed. On his medical chart, she wrote, Doctor please check-- spinal curvature due to osteoporisis?

When the man's family came for a visit, he begged them to get him transferred to another nursing home. Just then he began to tilt over to the side, and the nurse, efficient as ever, came by,. scooped him up and straightened him up in his chair.

"Why don't you like it here, Dad?" his children asked. "That nurse takes such good care of you!"

He replied, "But she won't let me fart!"

Second joke.

A woman goes to see the doctor, and says "Doctor, I have this embarrassing rash." He examines her and sees she has a rash between her breasts in the shape of the letter P. "How did you get this...?"

"Well, I met my husband at Princeton University, and he insists on wearing his letter-sweater when we make love!"

"All right, here's a prescription for some lotion, this should clear up the rash."

The next woman comes into his office. "Doctor, I have an embarrassing rash." He examines her and sees she has a rash between her breasts in the shape of the letter Y. "How did you get this...?"

"Well, I met my husband at Yale University, and he insists on wearing his letter-sweater when we make love!"

"All right, here's a prescription for some lotion, that should make it go away."

A third woman comes into his office, saying "Doctor, I have an embarrassing rash." He examines her and sees a rash between her breasts in the shape of the letter M.

"Let me guess," he says, "You met your husband at the University of Michegan!"

"Husband!!??" she says. "I'm not married! And, for YOUR information, I went to Wellesly!"

Answer 9

your mama is so stupid she got video tape on how to fix your vcr