my mother in law cut my daughters hair after being asked not to how do i deal with this?

Question

my daughter goes to her grandma's every saturday from 10am -2 while im working . well shes been tell hubby and i that the kids needed a hair cut and hubby told her not to think about it that they were fine.

well here it is saturday a day after he told her this and they picked me up form work and my daughters hair was cut.
You would no believe how angry i was . I got home and let it dwindle but its not working i called my hubby and he was no help how do i deal with this ?

Answer 1

Find a babysitter for your daughter when you work, and tell grandma she doesn't see the kid until she can respect your wishes as the child's mother. It was not her place to have the child's hair cut. Stick to your guns on this one, or this woman will run over your life. Good luck.

Answer 2

I had a some what similar situation with my daughter and my in laws. The worst thing was that they allowed my daughter to cut her own hair. I was sooooo mad because of the fact that she was only 2 years old at the time and because I never wanted her hair cut in the first place and my in laws knew exactly how I felt about cutting her hair. I guess they figured since they didn't do it I wasn't going to get mad. Boy were they wrong I told them off that same day. I told them they need to respect my wish with my children and let me raise them the way I want too. I love my in laws very much and we are very close but that really made me upset. But eventually we did get over it. But now they always ask me before they take any of my kids to the hair salon or they even ask if I want to come along.

Answer 3

I can certainly understand why you are so upset, espicially since she was specifically asked not to do this! I would wait a bit and calm down some, and then have a talk with her. Get it politely across to her that while you are very thankful for all her help and concern, there a some decisions that you feel should be made only by the childs parents, and hair cuts are one of them. She may get upset, buy as long as you are as polite and calm as can be, then oh well, it's a just a haircut now, but later down the road will she decide to make a more serious decision for you?

Answer 4

Your mother in law was out of line. A lot of people are saying to just ignore it, its just hair, but that is not the point. She did something she was specifically asked not to, and trust me, from experience, she will keep pushing her limits! Just because we grow older does not mean that all of us grow up! Adults have a tendancy to see what they can "get away with" in their relationships as well, and your MIL seems to be seeing how much control and say she has in your family.

You need to very calmly and rationally (after you have calmed down) explain to her that it is not the point that she had your daughters hair cut, the point is that she went against your wishes. Don't threaten her to take away the kids or anything like that, its just stupid. Just explain that you are trying to set examples for you children and if they know they can get a different answer from grandma that will undermine the authority of both you and your husband. Let her know that you respect and appriciate her advice and experience, but that you really need the opprotunity to make these decisions with you husband.

It (sort-of) worked for me. At least she backed off.

:-)

Good luck

Answer 5

Well I would be finding a new sitter and banishing Gramma from seeing the child for a little while and then she is only allowed to see the child in your presence. Never alone.

I know that if my Mother-in-law did this against my wishes, I would be totally pissed off about it ~ and my husband would definately know my true feelings. Then I would give my Mother-in-law an earful to boot.

That is disrespectful and unacceptable behaviour by your Mother-in-law. The fact that the hair will grow back is besides the point ~ it was against your wishes and those need to be respected.

Answer 6

Tell her how upset you are and that she needs to respect the fact that you are the mom, not her. If she can't do that, I would find another babysitter if possible, because she probably isn't respecting other things about you, either. Other than that, I don't know if there's not much you can do for restitution. Just stand up for your rights.
Well, maybe have her pay out of her pocket to have you daughter's hair cut and styled exactly how you (and maybe your daughter, depending on how you feel) would like it cut.

Answer 7

Tell her that you were growing it out and that she should not have cut it that she is not the child's parent and should consider your feelings in such matters in the future. and if your really bold tell her that if something like this happens again that you will find another sitter and that she will not be left with the child until you feel you can trust her to abide by your wishes i would make your husband be a part of this he may not like it but if you do nothing it will continue and if you do it alone you will be the bad person.
Just remind her that you are the parents and she is the grandmother and reassure her that her role in the children's lives is important but not no maters such as these

Answer 8

Sounds like the same problem i had with my sons grandma he also went to his dad's house (he lived with his parents) and they would cut all his hair off i was sooo mad! Even after i asked them not too. So what i did was .... i told her not to do it again and that what she had done was unacceptable. Even after all that, they still kept cutting his hair. So i finally gave up on telling them not to and i never sent him there nedding a cut. The day he needed to go there i would always take him for a hair cut. It's too bad that grandparents don't listen, and that there isn't much we can do without screwing ourselves. If i wasn't much help.. i'm sorry.

Answer 9

AAAggghhh!!!!! I had this happen too!! My mother in law kept commenting on my sons hair-- that it needed to be cut, and I thought it was fine. (I wanted it longer since he had a little curl to it.... etc.) I specifically told her not to touch it.
Well, I picked him up after a visit, and low-and behold--- he had a haircut. AND A BAD ONE!!!! I was livid....SO so so mad, and i couldn't figure it out. I got into a huge battle with her over it. she thought I was over reacting, and I realized what made me so mad was that deep down, all mothers question themselves. We don't get a manual, so we make all the best decisions we can. But then when someone steps over that parenting boundary in ANY way with our kids, look out!! Instant hurt- instant defenses!! I remember screaming at her that this was my son, and not hers!!!
Well, no duh!
I realized that I did over react. Hair grows back, over and over. It took awhile to get over that one ( I was a young mom) but now I have pictures of that time in my son's little life, and I really mock out his grandmother for the bad haircut. She laughs about it now too, and admits that she was wrong....and that it was a horrible 'do!
Thing is, they are YOUR kids. Don't worry about it-- no one can step on that. But Grandma thinks that she knows best. And actually, if you married her son, then she must have done something right. Cut her some slack--- she knows deep down that she shouldn;t have done it, and will probably feel bad if you tell her how much it hurt you (and you should definitely tell her!!!!)..... just be nice, and don't expect an apology for a few years!!!

Answer 10

There's a lot going on here. Communication between your husband and his mother. How did she perceive his attempt to reject her attempt at helping.

I agree with a lot of the above posts, but I'd check out the perception of the grandma before I talked to her. Affirm her desire to help, thank her for the help she gives that you do appreciate. Let her know that cutting the hair is a decision you'd like to make in your family instead of her making it for you.

A lot depends on how she reacts to that, if she's fine then you can set a time to go over and discuss the kinds of decisions she can make and the decisions you'd like to reserve for your family to make.

If she reacts badly, you have to decide if it is time to find a different sitter.

Remember you can't change her or how she treats your family. You can only express your feelings and decide what you are going to do about how she behaves.