The conversation took place over the telephone. He was frustrated because his father is not caring for his mother who has developed Alzheimer's. He was trying to pack her clothes and was searching in her closet that apparently was in disarray. Neither of his parents keeps their home clean.
His comment was 'Now do you see why I am the way that I am?" He went on and on and on about how he was the way he was because of his upbringing and how is father this and his father that...
I have been listening to him for months state how since his father didn't do this or that, it has made him the way he. My comment to him was "You cannot continue to blame your father for your shortcomings. At some point in your life you have to take ownership of who you are as an adult."
I stated it very "matter-of-factly" and intended it as constructive criticism. He accused me of attacking him.
What do you think? Does is sound like an attack or constructive criticism.
2006-06-17 08:44:40 · 3 answers · asked by femmenoire@sbcglobal.net 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
No, it's all good. You were right to face him with something to think about that may help him. It sounds like constructive criticism that offended someone who needed to hear the truth.
2006-06-17 08:49:58 · answer #1 · answered by cassanova 1 · 4⤊ 2⤋
::::::HERES UR BEST ANSWER::::
I went thru this. Plus studied it. In science its called Cascade Theory of Relations, lol, in this case and to simplify it... its called manhood. That word women hate. Because a competitive nature for each to excel, understand, and have control over situations in their life. A man does not want critism, no matter how they come. A directed comment is cryptonite to his manhood, as he feels he has worked on himself by control and knowledge of him. he sees as an open flaw, pin pointed and could be used against him. i bet he explains alot and actually is an intelligent man that wants control alot. People have fear when they have no control of the situation, like heights, speeding, bugs, etc. Fear is different from female to male. To a males life, Fear is a recognition of weakness, which is opposite of the ultimate goal of a man, being a man. He doesnt want to show Fear or show he can not control a situation because of it. Control comes from him learning so fast and now he needs recognition he has that knowledge. His parents sound like they have the traditional working pants and house dress relationship. He is not trying to tell you "excuses" but understand while its not programmed in him and difficult to have control over. We are a product of our environment and he is using that to satisfy his self esteem by reiterating "why he hasn't controlled that skill as a fully developed man yet" He would like if you took more empathy and let him fix his own problems. There is not hard feelings until a judgment is passed on another and a percentage is perceived to be untrue. Dont criticise and if he is intelligent and grown then just suggest not comment, conclude, or stay on him about his problem. You politely letting him know how it discomforts you, is enough for him to implement a better way, if he truely cares. Sounds like he vents and may not know the best way to communicate. He wants to be captain without you feeling inferior, just supportive. A man wants to be recognized as a King and having faith in his judgements. He wants a woman to be with him thru his bad decisions and good ones. Must be sweet. Be a civilizer. You must act like him and give him what he needs as he would do it. As helping as you wanna be, you can not fix a man's weaknesses even if you wanted to. Its insulting, lol. You must keep a secret of his weakness, but help indirectly. Example, If he is sloppy and doesnt clean up... do not cuss him out, remind him he's mess, or tell him the house is nasty .... try being nice, showing him that his color shirts are in this drawer and socks are there is a remind thats where their place is, tell him you must worker harder tonight to get the place clean for him, tell him other occassion when the house IS clean that you love that type of environment. He will feel sorry rather than feel attacked. Give indirect ways he can help your life out... dont give ways to help his life. This is a phase he is going through but does last years. The older he gets, he will value relational development rather than his own personal accomplishment. Hang in there. we all need less negativity, in thoughts and in communication. Be a best friend by their definition and they will follow. He loves you if he bothers to explain. You must be a mother to him, without the authoritative demand by nuturing and empathy in problem solving. Good luck!
2006-06-17 09:29:57 · answer #2 · answered by carolinakres 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The tone for starters.
2006-06-17 08:54:02 · answer #3 · answered by Irish 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋