my 4 yr. old has fits of anger, that cans sometimes be violent?

Question

whenever somthing sets him off, he has a violent bout of anger and try's to hit me and wants to break things and says he's going to hit me and wants to hurt me and sometimes tells me to stop looking at him. I have tried spankings on his bottom but they don't work, he just comes back at me and wants to hurt me. sometimes i have to pin him down to keep him from going wild usually the bouts end within a half hour and he ends up crying and wanteing to be hugged and then he says he loves me and i'm his best friend. i ask him what was going on and he says his head was hurting, i ask if he was hearing voices in his head telling him to do things and he says no. he was checked by a doctor and he is progressing fine though he is not a big talker. anyone got an idea what is going on with him? There is a history of bipolor and ocd in the family but i haven't noticed him doing any rituals so i'm not sure what is going on. thanks for the help.

when he is in that out of control agressive state he is like another person. i have seen on t.v. parents wrap their kid in a rug till the fit is over. i have stopped hitting him on the butt because it does not work, he only becomes more agaited. if i hold him down for 5 min and release and keep doing so for about a half hour the fit usually ends with him crying, he turns back into that sweet kid, he has a 9 yr. old brother and both parents are in the picture, we are college educated and have insurance and have a nice house in the suburbs. he goes to montessori school and tends to hold him self together better there but does have some outburts that are quite embarrasing. we have told his teachers and they are working extra special with him. we are considering medication for the problem.

Answer 1

This is very challenging, indeed! Time to bring on your "big guns" of creativity...

Act, but do not REACT.

The first thing that really stands out to me, is that he is really frustrated and feels unable to communicate effectively...and this is where you can really be the hero for him: to show him by your example how far you will go to continue communicating lovingly when you are frustrated. I know it's tough, and he really needs you to be "bigger" in heart & wisdom than he is.

I imagine that trying to verbally communicate with your son when he is angry and frustrated is nearly impossible. But I do think that when he is calm, you and he can sit down together to problem solve this together and make a simple plan. You might be surpised how distressing this anger stuff is to him, as well as be ignited by his brilliance of the ideas that you he would come up with. But you already know that...;-] Either way, these conversations, however brief the interaction, will lay the groundwork -- on their own -- for the very ideas that he needs to draw from when he's so irrate.

Remember that often boys' verbal skills develop much slower than girls, biologicaly speaking. (Do you remember this when you were his age?) My son couldn't speak understandably until he was 5; now an adult, he's an excellent & sensitive communicator.

Secondly, be very careful about falling into the trap of diagnosis and labels...They're rather like "pin the tail on the donkey", with lots of misses in the dark! While your main intention is to be a responsible and wise, loving dad, who doesn't miss anything crucial, I sense this could easily backfire on you, especially when you are asking him about symptoms of psychosis. (Beware of projections -- not helpful.) . Too much information for a 4 year old child who's already stressed. Toss out the spanking right along with that, because that's really stressing him. He wonders why you get to hit, and he doesn't.

I never met a child who didn't respond to love, especially from his Big Buddy!

On the other hand, it is not loving to allow him to hurt you or anyone else. Thrashing his own room, however, might be another matter...it's his stuff. The basic element of developing his agression (competition, motivation, hutszpah! but not meanness) is normal, and You can be a responsible loving parent by not repessing his natural (vital, life force) agression and guiding or directing him in how to express his frustrations, safely. I would clear his room of anything dangerous or hard, limit him to that kind of upset in his own room -- not agression towards anyone -- but allowing him a safe place and manner to vent his feelings until he is ready to rejoin the family. He's not in his room for punishment, just for safety, just like you guys talked about it.

Nonetheless, I can well imagine this does not happen only at home, so you'll need to come up with a similar plan at Grandma's and the grocery store, etc. Remember the key here is not to stop but to guide him. How do I know he's not the "Child from Hell"? Because as soon as he calms down (on his own) he WANTS to return to a connected, loving state. And just like anything else thus far, he is looking to you for an answer to something that as yet seems just too big for himself to deal with.

Ultimately, you both will not need him to rip up his room, because together, you will teach each other how to breathe, calm down in the moment, and communicate. You will be mastering this yourself, and teaching him this at every stage of his development.

Right now, this is a stage (tough as it may be), which he will grow out of with your patient and brave guidance...and of course, Love.

Love and Light to you all!

P.S.> IF a diagnosis alone must be considered, I would first look at Asperger's or some other form of Autism, which tends to be linked mostly with boys and begins developing symptoms around this age. One characteristic is desiring to communicate and socialise, but those skills are biologically underdeveloped; they also tend toward hyperfocusing and don't do well with changes. Reliable, predictable order and structure are crucial elements for him now. Please don't jump in bed (right now) with your pharmasist! Good luck...(he's lucky, too!!!).

Answer 2

For starters please stop spanking him when he is agressive at all. In my opinion spankings should be only used when the child has done something potentiallly life threatening where they need to understand that they could have been hurt much worse (like running into a busy road or getting into a cabinet with chemical). Spanking a child under the circumstances you have pressented actually reinforces his belief that he must be violent to get what he wants. As parents we must do our best to teach by example. If our example is that when he isn't behaving he gets spanked then this teaches him that if we aren't doing what he wants us to then he has the right to hit or hurt us...since that's not true one needs to change this thought pattern now. I have 3 boys and my middle son is 5 years old and did have a bit of aggression areound the time of his 4th birthday. I had been using spanking as his only means of disaplain and had not considered the link between my spanking him and his hitting me and others until someone pointed it out to me. I hope that I have not hurt your feelings in any way, just trying to help. I sincerilly urge you to hug your son first next time he has an upset. You said that in the end he wants hugs and you're his best friend, but I think that likely you're always his best friend and when you get upset of he gets in trouble he actually worries that you may not love him any more. Please begin with a hug and soft spoken words of why he can't be doing whatever it is he's doing. Best wishes

Answer 3

Let's see...you want him to stop hitting and being violent, so you're hitting him?
I am not judging, BUT Think about it.
He needs to work with you to express his feelings. Something is bothering him, and he's bottling it up until he explodes.
It probably isn't OCD. Sounds like it could be a mood disorder, but the big thing is to not pay attention to him when he acts this way.
Pay more attention and praise him when he is doing good.
Set realistic boundaries and be consistent.
Make sure that he knows that even though you are the boss, that he is in control of his day and HE determines what privileges he gets based on his behavior.
Do not let him engage you. Put him in a time out and walk away.
Have him ask for positive attention, so that he isn't seeking it through negative ways.
And good luck...you can do it!

Answer 4

My son was a lot like that. He was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Asperger's, ADHD, and about 3 other things. Doesn't change the bottom line, no matter what you call it. You've got your hands full and your work cut out for you. The only benefit to having a child diagnosed is you get support in the school. You still have to fight the battles yourself. You're going to be taught by your child to be an excellent parent.

KEY??? PRAISE!

Use positive reinforcement at every opportunity. If he's like most kids who do that, they thrive on praise. Give all the rewards you can for true good behavior. Stay as involved as possible in every minute of their day.

Answer 5

Take your son to a counselor....they will do a battery of tests on him. This is especially important given health history in the family. It could be something as simple as oppositional defiance disorder, which normally is handled through both individual and family counseling, and possibly a mild medication. It can also be a sign of ADHD....there are different levels of this some kids only show the signs of impulsiveness or hyper activity, some show only the difficulty concentrating and that side of the effects. Either way, a qualified counselor will help get to the bottom of it. Good luck to you and your son. I KNOW how difficult it is to see someone you love so much go through this and have them treat you that way.

Answer 6

I know a child whose behavior was like that, and it was many years and many tears before she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. By all means, talk to the doctor about the history and possibility of bipolar. Get a second opinion if necessary. The child needs some type of help.

Behaviors reported by parents in children diagnosed with bipolar disorder may include:

an expansive or irritable mood
extreme sadness or lack of interest in play
rapidly changing moods lasting a few hours to a few days
explosive, lengthy, and often destructive rages
separation anxiety
defiance of authority
hyperactivity, agitation, and distractibility
sleeping little or, alternatively, sleeping too much
bed wetting and night terrors
strong and frequent cravings, often for carbohydrates and sweets
excessive involvement in multiple projects and activities
impaired judgment, impulsivity, racing thoughts, and pressure to keep talking
dare-devil behaviors (such as jumping out of moving cars or off roofs)
inappropriate or precocious sexual behavior
delusions and hallucinations
grandiose belief in own abilities that defy the laws of logic (ability to fly, for example)

Answer 7

Does he have 2 parents in the picture?
You say he's not a big talker. Talk to him a lot, and get him to talk too. Encourage him to share his feeling; I'm so mad. I'm sad, etc. Does he see you calmly handling your problems? Or do you have outbursts? Maybe he's emulating.
While he's in control, tell him when he misbehaves, he'll have a time out (4 minutes). After that, he will tell you he's sorry for his behavior, and get a hug, etc. from you. Don't hit him.
Try to defuse the situation. Pinning him down may actually make him more violent.

Answer 8

I guess when you took him to the Dr. that they checked for autism? Have your Dr rec. a psychologist (child clinical) to furtehr psychological evaluation. It could be a CD, BP, or it could just be something your child is going through. I wouldnt recommend putting your child of meds, start with some therapy with a counselor or psychologist.
Try whenever he start to put him in a room alone where he could not hurt himself or others. Keep him in there for 4 mins, restart the time when he leaves the room and do not speak to him. At the end of the time you walk in the room and ask him if he is ready to behave, if he responds with anything other than yes, than start the time again until he complies.
Be sure you speak to him afterwards why he was in time out. Do not give him warnings, as soon as he does something put him in TO. DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM DURING TO.
Also, praise him while he is being good. and STOP SKANKING HIM, it just doesnt make sence. Smacking a child that you want to stop hitting????

Answer 9

My son was showing the same symptoms, in fact his pre-school class teachers informed us that it would be very difficult for him to continue his primary grade study. He was diagnosed having ADHD. But, after undergoing theraphy and medicine he became the top 1 student in his class during his primary grade last year, now on his Grade 2, the doctor told us not to give any medicine anymore and observe him whether he will maintain his school performance, otherwise we will continue giving him medicine. And his therapist visited his school and explained to the faculty his condition. Now, my son misses his therapist but he's happy knowing that he had overcome his problem.

Go to a child development doctor or child psychologist. I am sure they can help you.

It's not the end of the world, like what my wife used to feel. My son is not 100% normal but definitely I know that he is in better condition compared before.

You must give your son 100% understanding and firm decision. Go and get your son evaluated by a proper person as early as possible.

Answer 10

I'm no expert but 4 yr. olds can have a big communication problem. When he can't say how he is feeling it can be very frustrating. Teach him those words to use to say how he is feeling.
When my daughter was 4, she also had violent tantrums. I recall one particular episode when we were at a store and she was crying uncontrollably and hitting, kicking and biting in a violent rage. She would'nt tell me what was wrong so I eventually got fed up and said to her 'you are so frustrated! You don't even know what's wrong!' Unbelievably she listened and did calm down. and she kept saying ' yes! I'm frusterated!'
My child is now seven and I still have to deal with her frustration, but we deal with it before it gets out of control.

The point is that sometimes kids need adults to spell the obvious for them, give there feelings a name or remind them what it is that they are feeling

Answer 11

Your son could have an emotional behavior disorder (schools and teachers like myself call it EBD). It can be diagnosed through his school or from a psychologist. Many of my students have anger and agression issues and many are on medication for it. My god son is also bi-polar and ADHD. It is genetic. The anger and agression comes from the disorder and often it can come from pure frustration.