For those of you that have answered some of ealier questions about her...you know who I am talking about....for the others....I have a cousin who is 24...Married....has 4 kids....& a BF.....her Husband lives/works in VA/DC.....& she lives here in TX with me....she doesnt take care of her kids....her & her BF...that she moved into our house have been doing coke.....she went on a "vacation" to Tenn. with her Mother 2 wks & has not returned yet.....Last I heard, she made a surprise visit on her Husband....who came down here 2 wks ago on a surprise visit to find her BF in the house...he wants a divorce & the kids.....anyway...she is there trying to "patch things up"...meanwhile, I have the BF calling me....her calling me....her Husband calling me....& her Mom calling me....telling me this that & the other...& asking me not to tell anyone....I dont want to be a part of this...I only want for her to come get her things out of the house & leave me & the kids out of her mess.....BUT...I am
2006-06-16 20:41:30 · 12 answers · asked by mysticfairy74 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
not wanting to erase her out of my life...I do care about her...I just hate the things she is doing right now....any suggestions?
2006-06-16 20:42:06 · update #1
about the only real alternative is tough love for everybody; bluntness from you.
tell your cousin to pick up her stuff, or you will send it to her mother's house ( or some other address) on a a particular date. do it.
Tell everybody else that you can't control your cousin's behavior, and that you are not willing to be in the middle any more. If they keep talking about your cousin and what you should so, tell them politely that you have to hang up now. if they are in your house, tell them you have to do something else. DO not talk about it.
Repeat often that you will no longer be a go between.
Stick to it.
they probably won't like it, but you really need to step away from the position they have put you in.
when they ask you not to tell anyone whateveritis, tell them that you can not make that promise.
it might be a good idea to write it all out, sleep on it, re-write it and then send emails or lettters to the various people involved so that they won't be shocked when you start reacting diffferently.
you do not have to tell them why you want them to stop, or what you think they are doing wrong. Just tell them what you are going to do ( i will not keep your secrets; i will not discuss my cousin's behavior, i am not responsible for my cousin).
good luck.
2006-06-16 20:54:38 · answer #1 · answered by nickipettis 7 · 8⤊ 1⤋
Call social services next time she's doing drugs. It'll get on record that she isn't the best for the kids. If you want, get pictures of all of them together in the house, and his things all over the place. Right now, screw everyone in the family except those kids. They need your help. If he's a better parent, then do what you can to set the court in his favor. No kids need a drug addicted, cheating, absent parent. Think about those babies and how much their life will suck if they live with a parent that spends all her money on coke!
2006-06-16 20:59:08 · answer #2 · answered by Velken 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The info you give, makes me aware of the word ENABLE! My Dear, in order to help yourself and her, along with the children is for you to take care of you , not enable her or bf to treat you, the children with their selfish habits! It has to be you that does not allow this behavior in your home! If you continue everyone will pay a price! Do you know anyone that can do an intervention, you need help with this problem NOW! You are allowing yourself to be a player in this situation, it does not have to be this way. Where are your Boundries?///// Go to a professional, sounds as though your having a hard time letting go! Sometimes the only way to help, is knowing you have no control of this situation, only control over what you choose to do about it. It is not a problem for you to deal with, it is too invovled, too many people involved, all of who appear to think you are the link for them to her. If the dad is a good man and father he needs to get going and do something positive for the children! Drugs in your home, you sure could go to jail by having it in your home! If she does not want help from a treatment center, then you need to tell her, there is nothing you can help her with, she needs to clean up her life! If need be get authorities to remove her. She has used you enough, and you have allowed it for your own reason, I am sure you care, but often that can hurt a person more, because to follow through with a plan that seems unfair in your eyes, is so difficult. LET GO! It is not your place to repeat, give info, or to agree not to tell what the family is asking or saying. You must have a life of your own, getting this involved tells me it is easier to help someone else, then to help yourself. I am not trying to put you down, you sound like a good, caring person, who is at the end of your rope with all this turnmoil. Give yourself a break. Maybe the Child Welfare is needed to help the children? Best of Luck, ps This does not mean your cousin is a bad person, something in her life and past has a hold on her! She needs help! Get her help and get her out of there, this influence (if you have family is not good for them).
2006-06-17 00:45:34 · answer #3 · answered by my4dogs 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a friend like this , well her life is an up & down thing .Any way ( caller ID ) use it become it's best friend . Pack her things nicely and place them in a corner .When she pops up tell me something not to hurt her ,but something she'll believe and can't prove . I see a detective hanging around , I love you , but I have to protect my children .You need to take your things .Call me but you will not be able to use my number or stay here for awhile .Now you are aware that if in fact she's on coke or nasty ( you know ) , social service may indeed be looking for her ( Because of ex reports .And if he uses your address they will come there . Family & Friends we love them , but your children could be taken from you because of her . It's called failure to protect ! Take my advice and get out of the mess before it reallydoes harm to you life as well .Sorry about your friend , but call child protection ( They have caller ID , so use a pay phone ) and ask if I'm right .All your children may be pulled out of that house and you'll get charged . Find a new best friend ! Pencil her out , ink her out if she doesn't respect your choice ! You can be charged if these are her children or yours , if you don't protect them .
2006-06-16 21:04:42 · answer #4 · answered by Fairy Tale 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well that's sad because you are related. However, she is being selfish and unfair to put you in the middle of her drama. You should talk to her and let her know that you love her and always want to remain close cousins, however, you can no longer deal with being in the middle of this chaos. You need to kick everyone out of your place. If she is unable to understand how you feel about this, then don't let it bother you. People have a way of indirectly and sometimes directly dragging other people into their soap opera lives, remove yourself from the situation, even if it means not talking to the husband, the mother or her bf.
2006-06-16 20:56:36 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, I would tell each one of them that you are not here to hold their hand and help them with their problems. They got themselves into it and they will get themselves out of it. Add that you want to spend time doing more important things than being a shoulder to cry on. I know I can be blunt and that women tend to be more tactful and patient but you sound like the line had to be drawn a while ago. None of us can help them any more than they can help themselves. In the end someone will get hurt and someone will be portrayed as the bad guy and that is usually the good samaritan.
2006-06-16 20:50:29 · answer #6 · answered by Awesome Bill 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
where are her kids?If she left them there with you,I would call their dad to come get them.They don't need a mother that is so unstable!You would probably be better off telling her to stay away until she gets her brains back in working order! She is using you!
You are her enabler,your being there for her kids enable her to do her drugs and b/f.If she has to stand on her own for awhile maybe she will realize what she needs to do for herself!
2006-06-16 20:56:52 · answer #7 · answered by Jo 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the best way to handle that situation is to tell her that you love her and care for her as a person but you totally disagree with what she is doing and you feel that you would be better off if she no longer did this around you nor let you know what she is doing because it hurts you too much to see her throwing her life away when you know she is a freat person and is capable of better. tell her it hurts you too bad and you never want to know anything about it anymore for fear of your respect for her changing.
2006-06-16 20:47:50 · answer #8 · answered by ***BUTTERFLY*** 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to be firm but not mean. You have to make sure she understands where you're coming from and she knows why. Just tell her that she got herself into this mess and now she needs to get herself out of it. If she hates you for it, she can get over herself.
2006-06-16 20:46:55 · answer #9 · answered by Rosie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do not offer feedback when she complains or whatever. Just listen to her, acknowledge that you heard her, and move on to another topic if possible. If she insists on talking about it, just say, "I don't know what to think because I'm not in your shoes. But I'm here to listen, if it helps."
2006-06-16 20:47:28 · answer #10 · answered by scavenger_meat 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋