best jokes ever?

Answer 1

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

Answer 2

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead robbed a bank and to run from the police they hid in a barn. The brunette hid in the stables. The redhead hid in the pigpen, and the blonde hid in a sack of potatoes;. The police knoked on the barn door. Are you thieves in there. The brunette say "Naaaaaaay." The redhead said "Oink oink." and the blonde said "PoTAtoes."

Answer 3

A man walk into a bar with two nipple rings, He orders a scotch on the rocks....."mmmmm thats good." Then the two nipple rings screamed for some aswell but the bar tender says "Sorry I dont serve people off their tiits!"

Answer 4

A man with a very bad lisp, walks up to a roadside stand that sells all kinds of fruits and nuts. He walks over to the man running the stand and notices that he has a very large and ugly nose.

The frist man asks (with a lisp, of course) "How much are your cashews?".

"$5.95 a pound." the stand owner replies.

"Oh that's too expensive. I can't afford that. How much are your almonds?" asked the man with a lisp.

"$4.95 a pound." the stand owner replies.

"Oh that's too expensive. I can't afford that. How much are your peanuts?" asked the man with a lisp.

"$3.95 a pound." the stand owner replies.

"Oh that's too expensive. I can't afford that." said the man with a lisp.

"Well, I want to thank you for your time and for not making fun of my lisp"

"Well, I want to thank you for stopping by and for not making fun of my nose"

"Nose hell, I thought that was your dick, your nuts are so high!!!"

Answer 5

Man goes to the dentist and says,"How much to remove a wisdom tooth?"
Dentist says,"£130."
Man says,"Wow! Can't you do it any cheaper?"
Dentist says,"Well, if I do it without an anaesthetic,I could do it for £90."
Man says,"That's still too dear."
Dentist says,"If I also use a cheap pair of pliers from my tool box, I guess I can do it for £65."
Man says,"Still too dear. Can't you do it any cheaper?"
So the dentist says,"As well as all of the above, if I get one of my first year students to do it, It will only cost £30."

Man says,"That's better. Book my wife in for next Thursday!"

Answer 6

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

Answer 7

a silent joke.

Answer 8

A BEAR & A RABBIT WERE TAKING A DUMP SIDE BY SIDE IN THE WOODS. THE BEAR ASKED THE RABBIT , IF HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH CRAP SICKING TO HIS FUR . THE RABBIT SAID NO , SO THE BEAR WIPED HIS BUTT WITH HIM!

Answer 9

a blind man walks into a bar and goes OW! lmfao

Answer 10

yo mamma's so stupid I told her it was chilly outside and the ho went and got a bowl!