How does one heal death of a loved ones? especially a parent!?

Question

When my dad died i was not told since i was away from home.. I am the last born.. my siblings and mom decided that since i am alone here and no relatives or family they would tell me later... I love my family dearly .. call them all the time.. but never went to visit .. 9 years is still short for the guilt and anger to over come!!

Answer 1

you have to understand, that they did it for your protection, becuase you didn't have anyone there to help you greeve, but i can also understand your anger, its your father you should have been told, and even though i dont know you, im sry for your loss, and im sure hes in a better place

Answer 2

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm not clear on whether it's been 9 years since his passing or 9 years since you had some sort of falling out that caused you not to visit, so I hope this answer helps even though I'm not clear completely.

First of all, your family was absolutely wrong to withhold this information from you. I've been there. My mother was p.o'd at me, so she didn't tell me my father had heart surgery. I found out from someone else. It's completely changed my relationship with her, and I basically don't trust a word that comes from her mouth anymore. Even if their intentions were "honorable," it's SUCH the wrong thing to do to withhold that kind of information.

Secondly, anger is a difficult emotion. It's part and parcel of life. To deny that it's a part of life is to do damage, I think. So it's ok to be angry - but at some point, when the anger becomes destructive (as it seems to here), you have to sit back and think about how productive it is. When it starts to hurt you more than just being a reaction to a difficult situation, it's time to decide to let it go. I have to do that sometimes. Literally, when I start to feel the anger boil up in me, I take deep breaths and remind myself that it's more damaging than positive to keep feeling that anger. I keep my mind on keeping myself emotionally healthy and that helps let go of the anger.

Finally, guilt is a difficult emotion too, but unlike anger not one that serves any real purpose, other than to make you feel like crap. Guilt is only for those who have done something *wrong* - identifiably wrong. It serves no purpose here. Anger is normal - what your family did was wrong. Guilt isn't. You didn't give many details, but I'd be willing to bet that even if you would have been to visit the family a week before your father passed, he still would have gone. In the end, I can almost promise you that your dad knew you loved him. He wouldn't want you beating yourself up.

I have two young daughters - no matter how estranged we might ever become, I pray that they never feel guilt over our relationship. I pray that they'll always know that *I* know they love me - and they always will - even if sometimes it's difficult to express.

That's just how parents are. God bless you, and I hope you find some peace.

Answer 3

I can't tell you that. But I can most definately relate to your pain. I lost my baby brother a year ago. Matter of fact June 3 was a year he passed and the 10th of this month was a year that we laid him to rest. Sweetheart the only thing i can tell you is pray. And by all means don't stuff or hide your grief. It gets easier each day. I remember the first time i laughed after Mikey passed. I felt so guilty, because I thought it was wrong to feel happiness. But I quickly learned, it's okay. And it's all a part of the healing process. Unfortunatly none of us can even begin to understand the "why". I still don't, you see he was my best friend. I can share this with you though. I'm going to give you a couple of websites you can go to. You can set up a memmorial page for your parent or whomever you want and it's free for 14 days. One is www.memmorial.com and the other one is www.inmemmoryof.com. I have a memmorial on both sites for my brother. You can download photos, music. You can write about them. Light a candle and say hi to them. You can also send invites out to your family.loved ones, ect. To see the memmorial and they in turn can light a canle or offer condolences. Her's my email address if you just need to vent or a word of support. [e-mail]
Remember though. They loved you with thier whole being. And yes they knew you loved them always. God bless you sweetie.

Answer 4

Maybe they were too emotionally involved with thier own feelings and couldn't handle the responsibility of telling you. I agree that they should of told you, they should have told you once they found out. But when someone dies in the family, people tend to act and react differently than they usually do. I understand that you must be very upset with your family but I believe it takes more time and energy to be mad at someomne than to forgive them. Whether or not you believe in after-life, I think that your father would want you to remember him as bringing your family together not tearing it apart. Nine years is a long time, take advantage and forgive while you can. And I'm sure things will get a lot better. Goodluck.

Answer 5

buy the book "Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen. It says that in order to be happy you have to let go of the past, of bad memories and concentrate on the good ones. It's time for you to reconcile with your family an make peace with yourself. Sorry about your dad. I lost mine 6 months ago, also. Healing comes with time. Talk to your family, and make the first step towards this. Try and visit them if possible.

Answer 6

You'll feel worse at not seeing anyone in your family for 9 years than you would for not being told of your father's death. Your family was trying to protect you, probably unnecessarily. Show them you're not the "baby" of the family & go see them. Sometimes the "baby" has to be the adult and do the hardest stuff.

Answer 7

The most important thing is that we all must prepare our selves and our family members for life after death. You do that by accepting Christ as your savior, and building an ongoing relationship with Him daily. As long as your loved one was born again through salvation, and you are born again through salvation. find comfort in knowing where your passed on loved one went. Straight into glory with the Lord, knowing that you will see them again. And praise the Lord for that gift. Death is only a temporary separation. And salvation is your pathway to eternal life with the Lord our God, and the family you loved in life.

Answer 8

Honey it takes time for that to heal. It may take time for you to forgive your family also but talk to them about how you feel. I wish I could tell you something else but time is the only thing I have found that helps

Answer 9

you never said if they visited you or maybe for some reason they could not .I'm sorry that this happened to you I know it was devastating to you. I don't think there is an excuse good enough for not telling you. I am so glad you communicate with them.If you can please go and see them I don't know why this happened to you but maby there is more to the story than you know about .You really need to have closer to this so you can go on with your own life.

Answer 10

trust in the knowledge that they are in a far better place and can never feel pain or sickness or suffer death again.remember they are still with you even though you don't see them. they want you to enjoy the life you have left instead of being sad that they are gone. celebrate their life don't mourn their death.

Answer 11

Hello.God heals all.Sometimes we cant seem to forgive ourselves,When he has already forgives us.Go to him in prayer and believe in his word .There you will find the light.May God bless you and be a comfort to you. Go to the shepherd chapel. A friend of Gods