Why is it rushing when you want to get married but not rushing when a guy wants to have sex after a few dates?

Question

I have asked this question on the singles section and got the same "marriage is a serious thing" answer. I think sex is a serious thing too. I am looking for a man to spend ,my life with (I am 40 with a teenage daughter) and it seems like men don't want committment. I have been told never mention marriage to someone early in a relatinshiip but it is odd that a man will mention sex on the first email correspondence. I get advice like don't bring up marriage for at least a year after starting to date, fine I say but then don't bring up sex until then either. Uh Oh that get's them because they say sex isn't as serious a thing! Gee i have gotten involved sexually with guys in the past and found myself getting serious about them as we females tend to do and also what about the diseases out there. If a guy marries the wrong woman, he can get divorced because after all he has few morals to begin with so he isn't that opposed to divorce in itself only the financial costs to him.

Answer 1

Unfortunately we have, as a society, divorced sex from marriage and even from relationship. Because it is so freely availible in so many forms, some men balk at the idea that it is anything more than a biological function.

Don't despair, there are still men out there who understand the two are related. My husband was 36 when we got married. We waited. I met him at church, so we had the same values.

I didn't think I would ever meet an eligible bachelor in church. I went there for years without a single one being there. But God and the Marine Corps sent him here.

There is no higher compliment a man can pay you than to consider you worth the wait.

Answer 2

The answer depends on your moral compass. If you believe sex is a serious thing, then both should be considered rushing. If you believe that sex is not all that serious and doesn't involve any significant committment, then they are different. What you're seeing is the fact that people have different opinions on the subject.

You have a couple of options, neither of which is perfect.

1 - Consider it a litmus test. If you want a serious relationship that might end in marriage, then any man (term used loosely) who mentions sex in the first email is probably a no-go. This is pretty much the same way many men use your mention of marriage in the first email.

2 - Recognize that there are men out there who are also looking for a relationship with marriage potential, and don't be afraid to mention it early in the relationship.

All relationships require communication, and serious relationships require a lot of trust. The fact is that almost any relationship that starts with sex has the odds against its becoming serious and committed. Relationships need time to develop, to get to know one another, etc. As soon as sex enters the picture, most of that process comes to a halt and the sexual dominates the relationship, preventing the growth that leads to committment.

Answer 3

I think that sex is a serious thing that does not have to involve marriage or even commitment - this is personal decision.

When and who you have sex with is a personal choice.

If you want to wait until marriage to have sex again that is your choice. Don't play games with men. There are men out there that want to get married too. You are going to have to weed out a lot of bad ones but it should be worth it in the end to you.
You should not mention marriage on a first date because that is saying that is the most important thing to you, if a guy starts talking about sex right away it is because that is what is important to him. Marriage should not be a race or a goal, get to know a person and see if you even like them before you worry about marriage.

Answer 4

Dear Pixie, You're absolutely right, both sex and marriage are serious matters; and in a way I'm like you, if I have sex then I find myself becoming very involved emotionally with the woman. But sex is also fun, and a way of being with your partner, whereas marriage is far more than that. You seem to think of marriage as a solution to your life's problems, which it may or may not be. But no one thinks of sex that way. I don't blame you for holding back on sex, and I think it's stupid for a person to try to bring up the topic early in a relationship; but just as a guy should not make you feel pressured to get intimate by having sex, you should not be making the guy feel pressured by making him feel that he is being judged on whether he's marriage material. Both get the relationship off to the wrong start, don't you think?

Answer 5

Ok, let me break it down to you:

People now like to have sex with as much people as possible. It's neither right or wrong in the general sense.

And people should use protection. Its pretty retarded that people will pop out kids, but fear marriage, it's the same sort of F@cking Commitment, yet, popping out a kid is cheaper than a divorce.

Marriage is sacred union between 2 people that love each other, and it lasts forever, you have to spend the rest of yoru damn life with this person, not once a month when the bastard skips his child support payments.

Now you're 40, with a teen daughter. I think you shoudl focus on your daughter more than love life. When she's 18. Have at it, slut it up, but make sure you are careful and don't get hurt ok. :)

Good luck to you.

Answer 6

You know I am 32 and I feel even men my age are still immature but then again what man isn't these days but you know more and more men today have commitment issues and I think it is what as a whole the world has done to it self with all the awful options out there that tempt men. why should they have a commitment when they can have their cake and eat it to. I say just stand tall hold out and god will provide the right man for you that will appreciate you for you not what you can give him or what need of his you can fulfill

Answer 7

I think it's ridiculous putting a time limit on when you can start talking about marriage in a relationship. In my case, when I felt it was right, we were talking about marraige within 6 weeks of starting dating, got engaged about 6 months. Ended up we never got married, but we were together 11 years. She was going through college, got her Ph.D. and was keeping me at arm's length because she felt I was distracting. I really blew it because of having an affair during a low point in year 8, and didn't really feel worthy of her affection after.

But that's just to show it's never too early.

I think guys (yeah, I'm painting myself with this brush) are just cowardly when it comes up to say something like. "I'm just interested in sex - no commitments", and to take it politely if the woman decides it's not worth it for her.

As for divorce, because most people still have the line "'til death do us part" in the ceremony, one of the couple should be summarily executed to end the marriage. And I'm heartless enough to add the attorney for the one who is executed, too.

Society as a whole just doesn't seem to give a damn about anything but their own selfish pursuits anymore, and the only way to stem this is to show harsh consequences to their decisions.

In my case, although I am still friends with my ex-fiance, I also still carry the baggage of guilt and remorse to the point I don't want to get involved in another relationship.

Sorry to dump all this personal stuff in my answer, but just wanted to let people know what colors my thoughts.

In any case, although it sounds like you have been through a great deal of trials, remember there are still some decent, caring men who aren't afraid of committing to a relationship, especially to a woman who carries such high self esteem to eschew the popular cultural trivialization of marriage, and ultimately to one who will cherish your daughter as his own.

The best of luck to you!

Answer 8

Both are rushing. However, in most of society, having sex with someone doesn't imply a lifelong commitment. It can extend into a commitment, but it doesn't have to.

Getting married comes with a host of legal, economic, social and sexual commitments that are much more difficult to extract yourself from.

Answer 9

Your absolutly right. Dont "settle". Your 40 years Young! Maybe you just need to start "looking" for men in some different places.

Answer 10

"and if he's prepared to have sex with different females faster except me what's that affirming?" It skill he respects you and would not see you as only yet another one evening stand. it ought to become a real courting or you should only stay acquaintances. yet regardless, he respects you and that is a sturdy high quality that alot of fellows do not have presently.